Why do I worry that I’m not going to be ok?

Like thinking I'm going to lose my disability or that I'll be homeless again. That I'll fail horribly—why do I think that?

Part of me worries about whatever the most reasonable (even if unreasonable) thing is to worry about—because my mind wants to feel important

But why do I worry about those particular things?

What would really happen to me if those things happen (losing my disability, being homeless again)—and would that be so horrible?

If I imagine myself ended up penniless and on the streets again, it's nonsensical. I mean, it could happen, but the things required for that to happen are so extraordinary that there is really no sense in me worrying about them now

I could decide to worry about it later, as I suggested before

Why does my mind go there?

Fear

It's fear

Fear that I'm not going to be ok, that I'm going to be on the outs. And fear of what's going to happen next. I'm supported by disability, I have a family and a home right now. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing those things because I have them. Maybe I'm just afraid of what my life is not

I'm afraid of going back—to the person I was psychologically when I was homeless—but that is not possible, that going back to those things. That could never happen again. I can never be the person who became homeless at 25. I could never again work for companies where working for them contributed to my hating my life. Could never again be the person who contributes my time and energy to someone whose work I don't believe in, whose work violates my ethics. And I could never again be the person who wants to die because of my family situation

I changed that shit about my life

I changed

That's why I can never go back. I can go forward—I will go forward, whether I like it or not

I will go forward as a person who is unafraid. Of losing my disability. Of becoming homeless. Even if those things did happen, they'd be happening to a person who is different than the person they happened to before

I'm a worrier. I worry a lot. I invent ways not to worry, just to help myself a little. For these things, however, I don't want to just worry about them later. I want to examine them and figure out why I'm worrying so I can worry about them less

Maybe it's that if those things happened now, they wouldn't threaten my ok-ness because I'm ok now (in general)—my ok-ness has become unfuckwithable. To not be afraid of not being ok would be to live fearlessly—to live without fear—I would like to do that