What I’m avoiding when focusing on something else

When focusing on news, sensation, gossip, and everything else—

What I'm avoiding is almost always that I'm sitting here, nothing's going on, that the moment is plain and boring and simple and uninflected

When I get out of all the drama, this is what I find—

Nothingness

No urgency. No chaos. No cataclysm. I am wherever I am and almost all the time nothing is going on

And that is why I subscribe to drama—because I can't stand the idea of being still

Of nothingness

Of boringness and plainness and simplicity

Of the fact that I'm usually not dying or being oppressed or starving—usually I have exactly what I need to live (to simply exist)

And that is terrifying to me