“Leave the outside, outside”—Mamet

The Jiu-Jitsu master in David Mamet's Redbelt says this to his student on her first lesson. I don't know what he means to say to her, but I know what this phrase means to me—and it has become increasingly relevant to me in recent days

I don't know if it's my "normal" mental noise, an intentional practice gone awry, or perhaps a bit of my psychotic nature, but the outside for me has become a constant layer of conversation within my head with other people (my imagined versions of them)—I have in the past intentionally simulated expected future conversations with others as a way to practice for possible hard conversations. My head has been busy my whole life (while stopping short of hearing other voices, my mind can become unruly at times—out of control)—Regardless of the reason, it's often wild in here

So that's my outside—the thoughts whose origin (internal or external) I can't exactly pin down. I'm not sure whether these thoughts are useful to me or "just" crazy

I don't remember whether antipsychotics helped this for me. They did "clean up" my thoughts. They redirected my thoughts in a positive direction. They changed the content of my thoughts in a pleasant way—(I stopped taking them eight years ago after developing tardive dystonia)—I do know that dab helps change the content of my thoughts. It re-programs the top layer of my brain to be more positive, lighter weight—and makes me happier

When I have dab, that's good. When I don't—having started and stopped vaping dab many times now—I become aware of this noisy layer of thoughts (which I mostly have to ignore in order to function well socially)—I wonder how long this layer has been affecting my interactions with the world. My tendency to say what I'm thinking leaves me happy with myself but alone in the world. I wonder, if I somehow did not bow to this layer of thought, whether I would be better socialized (a ridiculous goal, to me) or employed or a better fit into society. I wonder how much of this type of uncontrollable (seemingly outside) layer of thought is experienced by other people. Do real schizophrenics have a thicker layer?

Regardless, those thoughts are outside to me. If I was really in here, I would not be plagued by conversations with (imagined? astral?) others. Those thoughts are thoughts I would like to leave outside

Leave the outside, outside

Can I empty this outside through thought—through meditation? Is my mind hardwired to work this way?

I know the mind is like a car with three pedals which are all accelerators—saying don't think of an elephant is just as good as saying do think of one—That's a good metaphor but—

I prefer to think instead in these terms—Thoughts are like plants and I choose which ones I water. When an intrusive thought pops up, I can choose not to water it and sometimes it will go away. I water the ones I want and they flourish. That's the best I can do at the moment

When I'm alone and quiet, though (when there's no conversation or sound) the outside comes alive within me and it dominates my thoughts. Of all the phrases I've ever heard, Leave the outside, outside is one I consider getting tattooed to my body (as a reminder)—it is that important