I haven’t worked since the psych hospital—and I’m never going to work again

That's part of the deal!

Since I was in the psych hospital for my suicide attempt 11 years ago, I haven't worked a job. Any job. Haven't earned any money. Live on disability now. Will keep living on disability

That is part of the deal, I am coming to understand. I had a sick relationship with work, with myself, with life. My current relationship is just a little bit better. My bipolar disorder and my tardive dystonia make work impossible for me. It always failed before and it would always fail from now on for the same reasons. I am not well enough for work—I get that now. I haven't really got it until recently because I haven't been honest with myself about my disabilities. Physical (disqualifies me from work). Mental (disqualifies me from work)—There is no one running a company who would want to work with me! (We tried it before and it was a disaster)—I'm getting this now

I am relaxing now. Resting now

If disability goes away, I'll find some other way to live—but it won't be by working

I'm done working in this life

I am (James Taylor) "enjoying the passage of time"

There is still work in my life. I help wash the dishes. I go places with my family. I type this post to my people. Those are work. But that other type of work (that was killing me)—I'm done with that. This isn't a celebration—it's just an idea coming to light on my shoulders with the gravity of a solid realization

I am still recovering from that point I got to in life—I will always be recovering. I'm taking the hint that my life is not about work. That I can be here as long as I like and never obsess over work again—and that goes for self-assigned work as well! I'm not just talking about grunt for the dollar—I'm talking about my own books and my own programs and projects. I'm a hobby-only dude from now on (coming from a guy who used to hate the word hobby!)—I'm done being serious. I'm done being angry—

(That's the real underlying problem, by the way—not violence, not drugs. It's fucking seriousness, it's fear)