I am free

Riding in the car today with my baby, to Montrose to get her license, I am free

Of my extended family, who with the exception of my cousin, are political and familial morons, wrapped in the clothes of patterns created before I was ever born—I am free of those people and am almost free of their patterns. My parents' siblings do not understand me, they do not care for me, they do not read my books or listen when I speak. They do not ask me about myself when I ask them about themselves. They side with my parents in disputes. They do not appreciate my intelligence. They are idiots politically—I do not need to listen to any of them anymore. They can go about their lives and I go about mine

My immediate family—are wrapped in a tangle of dealing with and not dealing with my dad's abuse. My dad fucked with me constantly. The rest of my family, in their silence, stands by him. I haven't seen them in many years and I wrote my last email to them a year ago. I am so done with that shit. I did love you and I did respect you (even though you did not respect me) but those times are over. My love for my immediate family has run out. You were not there for me. You were not there for me as a kid when my dad stood over me as I knelt by the toilet scraping shit from my training pants with my hands. You were not there for me when I was homeless. You were not there for me after I attempted suicide—you were not there! and I curse you to the very life you are already living—you are in hell. I will never speak to you again in this life. I will never write to you. You will never see me in person. I used to think, in leaving, that I was teaching my family a lesson—now I know that I left because I finally learned mine

Alcohol—I am free of you! I still drink from time to time, but I have come to think I am not an alcoholic at all—I was drinking so I didn't have to deal with the reality of my life, and now that I am dealing with reality more, drinking doesn't hold the same luster. My GF and I just bought some alcohol, and I got a coffee and a Coke. I can tell you (with surprise) that the Coke called to me (to drink another) and the alcohol did not. I am free of my previous identity as an alcoholic. This is crazy to me. An old therapist suggested that maybe someday I would be able to have a drink (or two) and I might be ok with it. I told her no way—I didn't think I could ever have just one drink. I didn't think that obsession would ever subside. I tell you now, my obsession with Coke is greater than my obsession with alcohol—and as much as sugar and caffeine call me, I am not controlled by them

That's what I'm free of

I am free of some other things, too

I am free to enjoy my GF's company

My cousin's conversation

Myself, my thoughts, my breathing, my joy, the landscape—the countryside I live in

I am free to enjoy these things because I have been as honest as I can be with myself about the truth of my life—and because I have let go of those people who betrayed me