camera one camera two

the whiff on the air of a lonely book dickinson loves me daily with a reading plan full of aces full of spades full of the breath that lifts me from just below these waves I have been living next to my entire life admission is free for the young this is the jameson beach day the santa claus beach drinking in the car along the way michael had spun off the lid with one thumb as usual we drove through the restaurant called wendy bought a single of dave a double of dave and for me a triple of dave that juicy beef presented simply with tomatoes above and below the bun I think it could only be made better if it was presented between loaves of texas toast loaves of bread that makes my esophagus burn but cooling it all comes the taste of that beef the best in the business best along the whole of california coast even better than in and out truth be told we all knew it smiling at each other in the back of that car smiling as we got our first bites in smiling as that nutrition hit our stomachs and when we got to santa claus beach we would set the bottle of jameson in a puddle in the sand not its special reserve nor gold reserved nor the limited nor rarest vintage reserve but the plain off the shelf unspecial jameson reserved just for us for our trip to the sand not jameson signature reserve not jameson black barrel select reserve but that private reserve reserved for everyone especially just our little trip to the beach where we set the bottle in a sizable cunt dug into the sand borrowed space from the scuttling things the crawling things the native animals of the area and that was our day gathering photosynthetic rays with our skin sitting and lying underneath the sun as it warmed our bodies warmed the scalps of our heads and the only other little bitty part that I will mention is that we brought some weed and papers and we burned it in the sun and that is over by the railroad tracks which run one direction down to los angeles and up the other direction to santa barbara houses and the restaurant by the beach which was always too far to walk to always a few steps out of reach like a mystreal a phantom a hallucination free from the rules of space and time it may have had beautiful clientele its decor may have been spectacular but it kept itself from our grasp by some kind of wonderful force field the jedi spin their double sided sabers cutting off our heads this is special this is the special one this is the tome you now carry to your beach trips cracking the spine to make sure you do not miss the words like mustard dripped into the cunt of the book mirrored without a mirror mirrored in two and a half dimensions you fan the pages to fan yourself a mini fan with no batteries or nope you are reading digital post paper and your phone makes itself not a fan but a less and less heavy brick of technology which becomes so less and less heavy that it disappears into a swath on the side of your arm then a self projecting wrist band and then a microchip inside the meat of your thumb and then a microcellular bump embedded near the optic nerve we have learned from the creatures within us we never even realized that their method of takeover was so different than ours theirs never involved massive massive murder they just brought their newlings up inside of us and we became them they absorbed our consciousnesses in the form of memory and books and they even brought forth our continuous feel of having those memories and having read those books they did it without asking and extincted us all our warlike tendencies most of our sociopathic ones they memorized our dictionaries and even stored all of our blogs in the fabric of the universe so that whoever is making this thing would be able to pour through them someday if they wanted if they cared if they even were aware that we existed but it would be there all the same and they kept from us that we haunted not just earth but the entire universe with our nuclear toys they kept us from killing each other with them and our leaders were scared oh so scared scared of the hairs on their own backs and the creatures simply flipped a switch and turned off our ability to destroy the entire universe down on that beach the santa claus beach we were the sim city of the sizable system in the far corner of one of their brains hardly even alive from their perspective watching our wendy fascinated at how our burgers were represented fascinated by the detail of what we called food even though its production to them was ridiculous phantasmagorically wasteful negatively nourishing but we sit there in the parking lot taking our drive break sipping one drug we had of twenty available they had tens of thousands all with the same purpose to destroy or taint consciousness to open or close our view weed and drink nestled in the hole in the sand we called it a cunt and the shallow minded objected to the term they had a problem with it because they had decided to have a problem collectively but all the good ones that I knew we decided to bring it back from the relegation of fringe society and into the mainstream the alien view of us here found nothing too sad to be sad about nothing too complex they did not have a sideways way to think about some much simpler method of reduction always more simple surprising in higher dimensions all that all that all the problems we plugged away at they figured it in a snap they loved us by never letting us know they were here never interrupting us anyway we would never understand think of it you are a sim city character and the player of your game sends you a message in the mail or opens up the sky and says hey boo hello down there I am having a ball playing with you introducing tragedies for my entertainment you might be so scared you start to pray like most of the idiots down here praying fruitlessly to an alien god who is not even god herself but just some alien child who went to walmart to buy a copy of the latest game we were cunting cunty cunt wandering around with our heads chopped off setting our jameson bottle in the sand for some lovely reason to us to chop off our brains for a moment to look through squinted eyes at where the water meets the sky to fascinate ourselves at this infinity that is what is so amazing about the beach to see the sand meet the water see the water meet the sky and sharks and jellyfish play with us and eat us and sting us there but the shark bites hard and the surfer goes to meet her mother and cry in the hospital but the mother says look on the bright side child you only lost a leg and we make those new by the dozen we reach for the jameson swig put it back watch your best friend reach for it and do the same he has his friend a girl she is always high on adderall and you like it not how high she is not how she acts while on it but that you can steal a pill from now and then and adderall is like meth in a bottle not safe but packaged well and with the stamp of approval still when she takes it she goes into work and cleans on every shelf replacing every supply can every water bottle every speck of dust is within her reach and you tell me that is not the hint of amphetamines well it is of course she fixes her bra that part of the swimsuit she collected from the sand and reed who grow within woven together in micro sewing up up up to swimsuits to strings attached and michael stands square with her telling me not to show anyone my picture but the kind of picture I take cannot be copied cannot be shared or shown or uploaded or downloaded the pictures I take are in my head I remember them forever in fact they are always with me in the forefront of my brain camera one camera two lovely etchings of michael and maureen maureen had the single burger michael had the double burger I had the triple burger how could I ever forget those facts how could I ever forget we drank on the drive up to the santa claus beach how could I ever forget the tiny hole we stuck our bottle in watching mike get tipsy as he drove remember the gas station we stopped at on the way there I never had to pay because mike was one of my friends with money he worked in film I worked in software he envied my salary I envied his open air environment for what passed as work to he and his employer standing in the sun lighting nicholas cage drinking vodka red bulls snorting cocaine from the snack trucks oh there goes john voight very nice my man very nice work environment you never have to sit you never have to stare at a computer screen and over here in an office so quiet you could hear a pin drop I sit and stare at an lcd typing makes a mutter an office manager who will buy me anything I want from office depot whiteboard blackboard new machines custom keyboards and what I build there is so complicated there is no way to construct a name for it we call everything made up names like jurassic park and apollo and as I look back on that time I have no idea what something called apollo even did from my first in person interview with my now ex ceo his name was jihad xavier mcdonald he sat in a corner office by the lake deceiving everyone who walked by gave us all cameras for christmas they were every one the same model but every one had a different sized memory card larger for the employees he thought did the most work I was one of these so I had no reason to complain but the lowly ones alerted me to the situation I saw then why he had asked us not to open them until we got home that was hard you know harder even for the ones of us who got the larger card there were pictures I took with my camera me in my orange scarf with ashley and faith drinking wine I have an orange shirt orange scarf I look pensive yet relaxed like the cabernet there are pictures of me and my mom when we still got along she got over her reluctance to travel and came to visit me in los angeles we are at a taco place I liked to go to there are pictures of my gimp family members at chichen itza in mexico the husband of my sister the brother of the sister of my mother is there his shortness a standout factor he was a gimp as a child and with age has grown up to be a super gimpy family member perhaps the gimpest of them all that is how my aunt referred to me and them in a note she wrote to me toward the end of our relationship she said I was hurting her family I am certain she did not mean to say it that terminology just came out of her I rack my brain wondering if she just meant on the one hand her and the rest of her family versus me or she meant more deeply that I was a literal alien and she and that remainder were human there are pictures of me and my poor poor cousins grown to believe the only thing you needed in the world was a pair of red shoes and parents who loved them that was all you needed to make it through this life I do not envy them for a second there are pictures of my desk two tubs of legos a double headed monitor setup two widescreen monitors running berkeley system seven an old ass imac apple keyboards all around and an apple tv plugged in running linux the christmas gift of my ex ceo jihad mcl from one year before well they say that something changes within a day and that much more changes in a corporate year there are pictures of me sitting in an unos restaurant in nyc reading kay jamison on artists touched with fire I am drinking in that picture drinking always while I read her book there are pictures of me sitting in my room in california no decorations no rugs just a mattress on the floor and my kidney shaped desk topped with an apple desktop and a keyboard and a chair the chair is orange I am overweight my roommate has a room opposite full of posters and dressers and clothes and a high girl bed pictures of me and a california girl named sara and me and a california girl named angelica in the one with angelica she smiled and bent over uncontrollably arms around each other we were simply posing for a picture there was not sex between us only love only the love of a hostess for her diner and the love of a diner for her host those are all the pictures I took with that camera from jxm that stands for jihad xavier mcdonald if you forgot he spelled out idioms to replace idioms thought the most important thing was never to cuss at work so we heard a lot of ohhh sugar nuts and son of a biscuit eaters and he always walked with a pocket full of change but never used it to buy anything I think it was just to sound rich every time he walked the change would jingle too loud for the environment ceos ceos they are always saving for a rainy day on a planet that just gets hotter with every passing day a planet where the rain never comes the sun instead dries us out and the hand of jihad mcl sometimes when he sat with you dipped into his pocket and fingers manipulating the pennies the quarters a sing flip and flip flip flip I imagined on his dresser the place he put his carefully designed noisemaker collection he graduated magna at mit but never programmed much of anything except the nut of his company code hired the rest of us to code around it he laid on the floor due to a bad back he stayed up till three in the morning and sent us corrections to his code through the mail that girl sara she drove me to get my tattoo she was a sort of wannabe gangsta in thousand oaks one of the richest hoods in southern california I took her to my office once it was saturday and I showed her my legos and she was all this is your office and I was like yeah and she was like you play with legos and I was like yeah and she looked at me like I was crazy like I was a god and she said we better get back to the restaurant so we walked over hand in hand swinging lies to the patronage and I retook my seat at the bar and ate mexican benedict and the prettiest ones of the hostesses came by and stood between my legs and asked what the drawings were I made and I told them it was a kind of processor the colors represented states and I heard the forum posts of my contemporaries read aloud inside my head I heard them talking about me saying the problem is the problem is always talking about the problem as if it was a morphological subject of discussion the problem is that jpeg is a lossy file format that is where the pretty colors come in and I said back in the quiet annals of my brain I know that jpeg is a lossy format this is just the closest I can get to showing what happens inside the k3 systems but sara did not complain she said you go boy you have developed a whole world of systems and I liked that she got it better than the people I worked with even who either knew nothing or knew enough that I looked a whole lot better on paper than they did and they came at me and came at me relentlessly until I quit tired worn to bits and all work on these subjects stopped not just until they found someone to pick up where I left off but stopped completely because there clearly was no one they could hire who could pick it up grok it and carry on my work was built on a healthy diet of alcohol and crystal we had a refrigerator top full of alcohol me and mike and everyone got along fine until my mania kicked in sent me to the hospital spit me out its butt and slapped me with medication I could never get without a prescription and a prescription I could never get without medical insurance and medical insurance I could never get because my company offered us none and which I could not buy myself because bipolar was a preexisting condition what you have to be completely healthy to buy insurance for your mind for your body they say bipolar is a medical problem not a mental health one they say bipolar does not influence the functions of your mind any more than lack of sleep causes your mind to mistakefully choose red for blue like major doctors decided this they said it has never been psychological that it had never been a psychiatric illness that it was a medical problem how does my family not know this would they love me more if they knew I think not I think it would be worse if they were presented with this fact much much worse it would mean that bipolar is like diabetes which would mean that ninety percent of what I say and what we blame on bipolar is true that if I am a genius that genius is unassailed by bipolar and that you could never write me off for having the disease would you write off the thoughts of someone who has diabetes would you say that everything a diabetic says or does is senseless because of diabetes no bipolar is a way to marginalize people who make as much sense as anybody but this is neither here nor there as they say this is neither this nor that neither him nor her neither wax nor wane once they figure out the bipolar mind we will have its insulin and bipolar people will not die like diabetics for no reason no human reason and maybe there will be nothing special about us no legos on our desks no difficulty with school no broadband mentality no struggle with bosses or work no arguments with our girlfriends and our friends no silent back seat while hamburger one and hamburger two chatter back and forth among their two and I write this book in my head with every change of song on the player orchestrated by our drunk driver michael I keep the bottle between my legs and they ask for it when they need it my job is to look out for cops I saw this guy with a shirt in the grocery store the other day it said hate cops next time you need help call a crackhead and I wanted to be like hey I wanted to be like whoah I think that your logic has a problem there I never had much use getting directions from a crackhead but this is a hard pressed mind to think of times police have helped me more than when my life has been endangered by them I think when we get rid of guns the cops will be the first to go military cops undercover concealed carry motherfuckers michael turns his iphone dial to fiona extraordinary machine plays inspiring us all to greatness in our bucket chairs michael spins the bottle cap with no warning it flies out the window next to maureen spins along the road for a couple of seconds then comes to a stop between the lanes whoops he laughs maureen gives me a look over the seat a smirk I knew maureen from back in the day in dayton ohio we met over a tragedy maureen says how you doing back there you finished your triple oh yeah I finished it two exits back my friend she would never mind if I referred to her that way even though we were never exactly friends never enemies but when you meet someone over a tragedy you always have that tragedy in common would you hold this she says handing me the bottle and I take our jamison from her hands she turns back to the front and I see her wisps of hair blackness on a moonpie face she looks like monica from friends she once was broke staying at our place and mike was off shooting national treasure two in philadelphia maureen asked me if she could suck my dick for fifty dollars I was like no and I gave her the fifty she and I kept that a secret from our mutual michael there was no reason for him to know she was that desperate no reason for him to have to face the fact that his girlfriend would suck my dick so easily maureen once complained about her teeth and said she would rather have them all torn out replaced with fake ones implants mike said he never wanted to know his girlfriend felt that way he had this idea of her she refused to live up to girlfriend on a pedestal he wanted her to stop the adderall but she loved it I thought she must be on it now up in the passenger seat with michael driving crazy weaving zoning in and out racing through blocades between lanes rushing us closer and closer to santa claus lane that wonderful beach which always brought us back I thought of my uncle with his family going to the movies standing at the marquee looking up at nothing he had ever heard of children making suggestions then jeff says look there is one I have heard of national treasure book of secrets he remembered seeing the first one on television somewhere probably as he sat with his beer in his reclining chair after work work was so so hard he told himself it required the near genius of a chemical engineer he thought of his alma mater the glorious texas a and m that is where he went that is where his daughters would go that is where their daughters would go if they were smart this man of short stature seeing an ad for some version of national treasure now he is so proud to have found a movie to watch he says hey I have an idea let us watch national treasure book of secrets this last part made the sound of a question and everyone in his family knew that once jeff had made a suggestion in the form of a question that it mattered not what the rest of them said it would be what jeff said he had to be made to feel comforted his wife knew this the most but his daughters were learning jeff when in a state of discomfort had to be chided lollipopped had his meagre dick sucked had to have his shoulders rubbed had to be brought a new beer had to be consoled if his team lost at football he never thought of anything but chemical engineering or his classmates at texas a and m or the car he bought for each of his girls as they graduated from high school or the small amount of consoling his eldest daughter required to go into chemical engineering which is code for oil science this major is biggest in texas or the large amount of consolation his youngest daughter required to look away from band and playing the xylophone to go into petroleum science instead of go to new york to broadway err the consolation she required when michael jackson her hero was found to be a child molester that was harder even to explain than when he died she took every mj poster and every mj costume every zipper every glove and threw them in the plastic bins by the garage she would have set them afire if jeff had let her but he was there to draw the line that was the extent of his advice at that one he had never understood her fascination with a dancer he missed the days when singers sang for their supper plus michael jackson was or had been black and black people in the mental world of jeff were basically nonexistent he had no problem with them they just did not figure into the equation of life I saw jeff one time at a family function we were making flags as crafts and jeff the only person in the room to not make a flag for the first four hours he eventually got into the spirit and made a couple of joke ones but before that he laughed and spit at those his wife and children and I made and that taught me one of the only things there is to know about jeff that is that he is extremely uncomfortable outside the area of his college major which is narrow as the sharp end of a knife and in the remainder spectrum of life he is as useless as tits on a boar mike turned sideways and said matthew what are you doing back there jerking off and I said I just now finished I was picturing you sucking baby cocks this is something michael liked to pretend to do he holds his hands around the hips of an imaginary baby and purses his lips and moves his head back and forth fantastically sucking off a baby I admit I never thought that much of it except to think it was pornographic bordering on pedophilic bordering on sick and I never thought it was all that funny I also thought if he saw a doctor about it they would find there was nothing there just a circumstance randomly arrived at from television input baby food ads while maureen rode his head nothing evil or predatory or comically genius about it just my bff sucking baby cocks I wondered if mike wondered if the baby cocks would get hard and I wondered the same unable to remember if my cock got hard as a baby but I thought they did I thought we came out pretty much functional in that way mike said I was just now thinking of sucking baby cocks that is why you are my best friend aow aow ooh maureen says you two are crazy and I said you know it the best alluding to the recent time when I had literally gotten out of the psych hospital and maureen picked me up and offered me a cigarette and that was literally the day I started smoking they told me I could never drink again and I agreed so that cigarette seemed appropriate maureen splays her fingers out over her seat back and I give her a side five you want a cigarette she says and I say why not girl load me up so she lights one passes it back to me michael looks over at her that is why you are my girlfriend and you are my best friend michael says and I say no you are my best friend because of our love of jamison and all other matters alcohol and drug related and for a moment I wish I had a girlfriend but not maureen just someone to hold my hand and keep my company and not necessarily smoke but not mind that I smoked I had this girlfriend once she was the tragedy under which maureen and I met they were all in college and I preyed upon this girl who was two years younger and I made all this money building software for mead research and this girl who was two years younger died she came over to my house to do laundry and never left alive and external to a coma but last night I was lying awake not dreaming and not moving and I saw all these events from my past in a new light I saw this girl rebecca and I saw myself through her eyes and I fell in love with me with the me she saw she stumbled across this kid not much older than she was and I was stuck in this dead end job but writing software to run the largest database in the world and I had taught myself how to do that and what I saw when I saw what rebecca saw was myself sitting cross legged on my apartment floor with a block of legos in front of me and my hands worked it like a rubix cube which represented the software I was building and she looked from the block to my hands to my eyes looking pleasurably down upon the mass of software and she saw that I could do so so so much more and that is the moment she fell in love the car hit a bump I was brought back into focus speeding past our honda a trump twenty twenty no more bullshit sticker large as life it covered the entire side of the truck with its message which I assume meant no more bullshit from trump in twenty twenty the ford suv was military in style as absurd as the facebook of my young cousin her political beliefs would change another twelve times it was racked with the certainty of the young and the dumb the smarter you got the less you know until einstein had no grasp on his own phone number can you imagine that imagine uncle jeff when you asked his number he would rattle it off like clockwork like it was the barcode printed on the back of his hand how you doing back there matthew asked my friend mike and I am embarrassed to say I am not in the present moment my friend what pulls you from it is what I wanted him to say but he knew not what to say and somehow the bottle of jamison ended up back in my hand and I drank proudly for the purpose of our neighbors that black ford I would show them bullshit right now as I swig swig back the glorious gold of oil and its spills and pollution I objected to per jesus who said something about people being stewards of the earth I said this even though I cannot claim to be a christian I knew that my uncle jeff pretended to be I knew that aside from football nothing could keep them from church on sundays that is the southern way kick me jesus through the goalposts of life that is about how seriously we took our christianity growing up my mother the only one who took it more seriously than me but hers was a more academic focus while mine was more of an active and an antactive way of looking at things what can you do with it that is what I ask how can I play with it take it out and fuck it up tepid is more the way of my mom a placid jesus solid like the surface of a summer pond well where do you go when you go away maureen came forth with I said you have my cousin spouting exxon mobil propaganda that is obviously not true like what that was maureen and I said like the idea that global warming is not true and maureen said but everyone knows that it is and I said but they would they would know it if exxon allowed them but they spent twenty three billion dollars since the seventies making ads that say the opposite of what everyone knows is true maureen said and I said not everyone does you see there are beliefs like that you have to believe to work at exxon they knew along with bp and every other oil company in the world that global warming was real and that their product was the cause of it and they spent twenty three billion or whatever dollars to convince the world that global warming never existed this has been going on not since nineteen ninety but since nineteen seventy and those are the same belief systems in stock and options trading that I encountered at slippery rock they said when I worked there that eighty percent of the options market was controlled by them that means I said breathing in watching the nonreactions on faces from the front seat that if you make a trade in an options market anywhere in the world that four out of five of the other so called traders are controlled by this one company that is like four out of five people at your poker table being in cahoots they are all colluding against you against your money against your bet and your relatively massively limited knowledge of the cards and the hands and the bets you see you see what I am saying here I guess says mike I guess says maureen but here is the kick I say we convince ourselves these things are true to make it possible for us to work there without believing in the value of the efficient market hypothesis if I never believed that I would never have gone to work for slippery rock I did not go into my theory of why the free market hypothesis is not wrong but is irrelevant to human prosperity with mike and maureen I did say that is what allows us to feel good about sucking down the large paychecks available from slippery rock or exxon those are the beliefs I speak of you see what I am saying here you see what I mean jeff my uncle jeff has to believe certain things that are not true in order to feel good about working for exxon if he stopped believing in those things he would no longer feel good about working there I see what you mean there that was maureen again and I finished off by saying something about discordance and how most people think they got where they got in life by first having a belief system but that was never the case it was always the case that first you got where you went in life and from there your philosophy developed because philosophy does not come about to guide you through undeveloped space but rather it exist to prop up the journey you have chosen to take at every step along the way you prop up your mind with these incremental philosophies and political philosophies that exist to support you on where you want to go in life not the other way around and maureen said I get it I get it totally my man but how does your jamison stomach feel you I said it feels me fine here have your own jamison swigs and give your own jamison stomachs a ride and then I was rambling along the road on wheels of goodyear speaking of it all saying how we had to stop cutting down forests as a matter of national defense and how and I borrowed here heavily from a documentary I had recently seen it said the fungal networks under our grounds contained solutions to pandemics while tire companies were deforesting africa and how those are the same areas that produce psilocybin mushrooms responsible for expanding the craniums of our ancestors and then I felt my mind expanding as a cro magnon man eating mushrooms off my brothers shit and having this psychadelic experience tripping on the savannah and my mind growing outward to include the information presented to me I would be scared but I would be learning and maybe those two were the same seeing myself on the first day of school every year every one scarier and scarier and then funner and funner my father gripping the bark of a tree in the middle of a lightning storm that is if he ever took any real drugs drugs like psilocybin instead of coffee and alcohol and marijuana and crap I imagined all that stuff like shrooming that casual use of psilocybin caps performed by college kids like my cousin joel told me he took one time and experienced fun disturbances of the trees I guess I look down on shrooming and getting high as mere enjoyments not spiritual awakenings and I discredit those who experience like that as casual not deep walkers of this path and I wonder if it is not a matter of the depth of a trip but rather the depth of the individual like maybe my cousin joel cannot no matter how he try have a spiritual experience on mushrooms and I regardless of how I stumble will always have one I think of my girlfriend rebecca we never did mushrooms together and I think of her sitting on my spiritual shoulder if that truly is her I feel she may be crying out to me like my other dead friends maybe none of them are dead at all and maybe now she knows whether the mushroom trip is a toy or something more something evolved side by side with humans to communicate with us the nature of the planet the cosmos the nature of life and death before we do the second and like everything else here I wonder if death is really its opposite I do know that the worst thing is fear that is what I must rid myself of the most that is what holds me back here on earth and maybe that fear of death is the biggest waste of time in all the universe I think of me growing older still for a while and rebecca staying the same age as she died and stopped growing and this parasitic thought I felt earlier in my life I could never allow myself to relate to her sexually could never again think of her how I so centrally thought of her while she was here as a young female sexual being because she was dead and if I thought of her I could not even touch myself I would go limp and I would be sad nothing like when her alive form and my alive form came alive together and poked each other and received each other and kissed each other and dazzled each other on the dance floor but now later it was similar because for every day I aged was another day she stayed the same so now she was so much younger than I had grown to be and when I thought of her she seemed a child and I had stayed around on this planet to do and know and love so many more people and subjects and activities that I wish we could have done together but she was at once wise and the ancient child I named myself to be and not long after fast food restaurants give way to thinner economies and not long after that those thinner economies richer stip malls and surf malls turn their volumes down to allow the beach to come in focus hyper real board shorts just like in the movies just like on tv there is a channel out here just of natural formations animal magics people surfing always people surfing in those waves waves of southern california waving with their fingers along the side of the road fingered gloves kids long boarding speeding down the seaside hills of neighborhoods and where are the cars there are never any cars in sight everyone is off at work apparently at school and these long boarders have their run of the place an asphalt playground for two a surfer and a camera operator the one who is seen is the less capable of the two before there was religion a human person connected with the spiritual world through mushrooms before the buddhists before the lutherans there was mushrooms and that was your church that was your hallway to the mystical no one told you you could do it there were no human gatekeepers only much much older gates to the heavens growing everywhere you could pick up your key into the magical stars your hatred that rises within you upon hearing this is very recent in its inception only in the last few thousand years did anyone program your brain with feelings like disgust at those who smoke weed or those who eat psilocybin mushrooms my cousin joel we played together as children he is now a professor of religion at columbia or something I wonder if his personal philosophy traces back as far as the reaches of the mushroom what are you doing back there my carmates ask shopping for flashlights I hold up my phone but I refuse to buy one that has tactical in its name but the best one has tactical in its name why do you not want tactical in its name because I am not going into battle with this I just want to see behind the toilet why is everything designed to appeal to our sense that we are on the battlefront the front lines heroes all salute us every one of that mondo bullshit look at this absolute shit tactical pants tactical face coverings it is all one hundred percent abe lincoln mongoloid bullshit tactical sunglasses what the motherfuck here look an assault backpack all it is is a backpack you know for hiking that is all it will ever be used for but to sell it to these retro cranial idiots you have to call it an assault backpack which one did you buy coutnry asks which one what I say which flashlight I bough the tactical one obviously you know me what if I have to go to war when I peek behind the toilet plus it was the best one fuck I mean fuck when did tactical become a synonym for the best did you know you two did you two know that for thirty years mushrooms were used in psychiatry to treat alcoholism and then here thirty years aft by the time I go to that mental hospital in north la my doctor asks me have you done mushrooms and when I say yes she asks me how many times and I say eight and her face is filled with disdain people at john hopkins have been using mushrooms to specifically treat alcoholism and this doctor I swear she worked for the cia she acts like having done muchrooms eight times in my life is some kind of death sentence for my mind well if you mention the cia like that you do sound crazy maureen says and I say please I will keep my mouth shut on the cia and maureen laughs and mike says good except this I start and those two laugh and I say never mind and mike says no I want to hear this and I say it does not matter if you skip over all the details all I am is a blogger basically I want all my stuff online not secret anyway you know my modus operandi is to put all my secrets online in paper in books I would publish my porn if anyone cared and if it was not copyrighted by someoene else I have videos of me jerking off that I sent to that one costume girl I would put those online if anyone wanted to see them you know I am against privacy in most cases but what mike says where does the cia come into it the cia like I said leaving out the details has the ability to impersonate me to modify the impressions of my death to make me say things I did not say to remove things I did say and every time I read those news articles the main thing that happens to me is that I feel sort of less fun about using my phone you know I get that maureen says I get that I just am sort of mildly annoyed at some agency collecting all my passwords and screenshots of me masturbating and what I masturbate to it seems weird that is it it seems overall weird and sort of an odd thing for my tax dollars to be used on but what about the terrorists mike says and I say mike I think there never were any terrorists and mike shakes his head and focuses on the road and I look at my tactical flashlight and think of the cia collecting an image every sixty seconds from my camera and the programmer in me is for a minute jealous of the jamborees where agency geeks half my age gather to hack the iphone and I wonder if you could have hacked the vegas shooter phone if you really would have stopped him anyway and the ultimate head shaker when the cia was asked how effective their programs had been throughout history they said even zero zero none not anymore good was done than harm if the agency had never existed the effect would have been the same zoop what how can you say that about yourself unless it was a fuck you to the person who asked the question I can never know hopefully that was just a joke they put forth knowing that no one in the country would ever read the story tim leary I said out loud he said the kids who take psychedelics are never going to fight your wars those kids are not going to join your corporations if everyone in the world was required to take mushrooms one time I added this little piece of my own then there would be no wars and I think that is true for that connecting with everything aspect of things you feel on mushrooms is antithetical to terrorism to war to any kind of battle plans executed on the whole I mean executed on the whole of everything tell me a religion or a teaching of love that is that effective in maintaining the whole without killing ourselves in the process the overview effect how can you kill one of us without damaging everyone else they said my manic design document in my notebook in that mental hospital was just psychosis I had this notebook with me in the hospital I began and maureen remembered cause she picked me up buy I told michael so he would understand the were pages in my book or actually my whole book they never understood my doctor specifically said when I showed it to her I was psychotic which means hallucinating or becoming delusional but all that was was a design document for a program I planned to write describing my theory of the manic depressed sleeping and awake states of the human brain and they said it was crazy but now look here it is I showed them on my phone a program working which showed the connections and their dynamisms in the four states and how the information passed through a neural network following the rules of the states of bipolar it did makes sense they just did not understand it and maureen said let me tell you a story this is about my cousin he was normal when he was young we played together he had a job he was going to be a bike mechanic and he was good he fixed my bike when I was back home you remember those videos of my whole town doing the cow parade that is for real we do that every year out here my stature is nothing but back home me and my cousin are big deals but we noticed something wrong with him maybe a year after it had happened his drawings started looking like frisky crazy spiky like they were electrocuting themselves and at first no one noticed but his mother took him to the doctor and they diagnosed him schizophrenic and he cannot work anymore he cannot live alone and he knew going into this that this is how his life was going to be he knew his light from before would go out I want to make a documentary about him mike this is what I was telling you about I want to go home and take a camera and document his life and I saw the eyes roll back in his head and I saw those eyes go dark with the thought of his girlfriend going away for months and leaving him in la with no nookie and no company except mine and mike says err err like the waitress says do you want just water err how would you all like some jamesons err are you going to the store without me err do you want to get some trash bags err he thinks that is sooo funny and I agree err err err do you want to take a long hike off a short bridge err pier motherfucker pier err err do you want to check your privilege err do you want to stick it in me err maureen says we all laugh I once wanted to stick it in maureen err maybe twice once when she and mike were meeting and to anyone but me it was obvious they were pairing err but I thought it was an equal chance for a threesome err at least a toss up err it was love at first sight between two fireballs err I mean that with admiration and it takes one to know one err mike called me later that night after we had all done coke in malibu err I gave him the number he called maureen and that was it that was the nail in the coffin err mike saw my testicle this was after we arrived at santa claus beach on santa claus lane it was maureen michael me we were lying on our backs I was enjoying the sun and mike said oooh I see it I see the testicle of my best friend your swinsuit has a hole your swimsuit has a hole I sat up looked down and saw it horrifying even to me fucking even to the unfuckable my testicle was handing out just a portion of its sphere the pale wrinkle of skin gorssing out my mind when taken out of context in this new context skin loose semi spherical peeking out my board shorts the way my legs were brought up near my body it made my gesticuating ball sac poke out like a wild alien brain about to give my dick head and it looks unnatural like it never belonged to my body like it was vat grown and incubated across state lines like it was grown on the vine and transplanted to my scrotum burning in graces of summer wines I blushed maureen laughed and said settle down mike but seeing my ball ignited michael and his brain a wild brain an artistic brain a drug brain I mean bred and born in drugs while young he and his friend mario slept on a dirty mattress and shot meth I gave mike a hard time about being gay over sleeping with his friend I should never have I understood with mike the possibility of being gay over drug shit and it did not bother me we even watched brokeback together and afterward mike sat in this weird way next to me on the couch but I knew it was not michael being gay it was just him being a little bit bi I mean I am a little bit bi who cares I think about the body of a guy I work with but that is no reason he and I will get together or touch each other or even share personal thoughts that is just the meanderings of an idle brain and if you push it it goes no further it is simply just looking at the body of a guy who stands next to you and any complicating thoughts you have about it are only there for your confusion your anti delight they are only there to make you think you have gay tendendencies when those that do are way past the gate you are a horse left standing in the back sniffing the daisies the gay horse already run and won the race here is what you need this mike sparks a blunt in the traintrack area between the beach and the cars this is after we weave through the shoelace ties of highways curving over and under one another like snakes after we take the exit for santa claus ln which we discovered by accident by innocent exploration once and have been coming back to ever since it lies south of santa barbara one of the most beautiful places in the world and opposite the beach is what an orchid farm say what it is ridiculous an epiphany of movies meeting magic of la people wanting to become la legends worshipping redheads worshipping blondes worshipping brunettes worshipping black haired beauties worshipping all those women in between men worshipping all those glorious blondes in name only with darkness roots escaping from beneath their heads almost like they were meant to be that way almost like they err were meant to fall away and show you the admiration a starlet has for the real blondes while being truly one of us one of the dark ones one of those with ill intentions impure upbringing we were from ohio we were from illinois we grew up dancing in the living room and putting on shows maureen did it I did it my sister and I put on plays we had an incredibly elaborate system of pulleys and backdrops and for all those hours and days of preparation our show lasted fifteen minutes and it was all we could do to get our parents to stay for five of those and when they did err we declared it a success we counted ourselves as happy as clams and then we brought ourselves to los angeles on busses in broken down honda cars we got ourselves right there and then we spent the rest of our lives seeing how close we could get for some of us that was one movie with trejo or working on the camera crew with national treasure two but for most it was standing right here in the wind break created by sand and rock around the train tracks on santa claus beach smoking this blunt and laughing with my friends the same laughter that would be brought forth by my testical an hour later here is the landscape it was the highway way over there then this thin thin road that is where we parked our cars two lanes one car after the other after the other everyone well behaved california beach people this was a special beach then after the path as wide as a foot on a leg came these railroad tracks then the beach a long and wide and thin strip of sand and when the train came through it cut us off from everything except the beach and the ocean and of course that covering sky and you were isolated there stuck on the ocean reading your book or playing the games on your phone yes maureen yelled when she completed a word and that is where we snugged our jamison in the cunt of a hole in the sand and that is the spot where michael saw my testicle and that is the spot from which we stood from where we sat and that is the spot from which we walked to the train tracks between the sand dunes and that is the spot where we smoked our weed before it was legal we kept an eye out for the amtrak because when you stand on the tracks if you can see the amtrak coming it is too late if you can even see it in the distance there is not time to extricate yourself from the tracks if you can see the train that is your ass but all three of us stood close by to tempt the blue red devil but not right on we did not want to die that day though as that jameson hit us it no longer seemed to matter I felt it would be ok if I died right here looking up at the sky in its light blue if the sky were here if the beach if the ocean and to a lesser degree if my friend was here if my old acquaintance maureen was here if they knew I died beside them they could go back to los angeles where the starlets acted in their shows and report me dead to those who cared my work my bff the waiters at my favorite restaurant and that was it that was all who mattered even my work and my bff would forget me soon enough mike and maureen could pour a glass of whiskey maybe buy an aged one from the corner store live easy for this one time not have to go to three different liquor stores in one day to further their alcoholic minds drinking with me at the house then going into hollywood then collapsing on the theater floor that was dear maureen after I invited her to drink with me I felt horrible then drank myself silly then called an ambulance myself in supreme psychological resonance you know if it happened to you it happened to me like I died too alongside rebecca back in that dayon apartment like I have been dead too this whole time like I moved over to the other side but no this whole time I have been pretending to be dead I have actually been alive hiding underneath a rock breathing slowly and shallowly and not loving and not striving and not performing in my life and at my job I have been thinking that rebecca is below that rock and she has pulled be down with her err but no she has been carrying me like a helium balloon and I have only forced myself down down down near to the ground I have only forced myself underneath her feet as though her dying stamps its pattern forever into my face her shoe print stamped all over my skin when all this time she has been untangling the string from her feet and leeting me go high high up wherever helium balloons go I had a dream last night and what was yours that dreamers often lie ha ha ha motherfucker what did you dream really that there was a light from high above and I was back in high school in algebra one and everyone was their ages now adults but sitting in the same seats as we did back then and we had to sit through a class and the whole time I was looking at this blonde girl sitting next to me and afterward everyone cleared out except for like five people and I went to the teacher who was practically dead and I was like mr chango there is a discrepancy and he was like what and I said that blonde girl sitting to my left back in the day that was cory castor but today it was someone else not even an older cory castor I would recognize her this was someone I have never seen before and he said are you sure and I said yes trust me I have not the reason to go into why but I did not recognize this girl and she definitely had not arrived here as the older version of cory castor she was the only one different in that entire place you know if she was dead I feel certain my dream could have reproduced her alive if it wanted to I mean more than one person from my seventh grade algebra class could be dead by now I fail to see why that would be a problem why maureen said yes why chimed mike why what why would they be replacing people from your seventh grade algebra class with randoms from the ether it was a dream I said but why would they be doing it courntey said there or anywhere michael said and I said I do not know my friends I do not know why they would do such a thing in dreams or anywhere except it is about movies camera one camera two you know and maybe there is a switch between a and b a switch between the aperature of camera one and camera two I mean a real switcheroo where the dark knight switches realities to test us like in the movie dark city there is someone working behind the scenes to test us like we are simply an experiment to them sitting here between the oceans on the planet waiting for our next extinction someone is sitting on the other side of the moon waiting to press the button cept their is no button just a mass of matter manipulating powers inside their mind they are a class three civilization or whatever they control all the matter in the universe we do not well only a few of us realize that we are only a class one civilization the rest of us run around like chickens thinking we are all powerful masters of the world any inkling of power that is the fallacy that is the error thinking we have any power at all that is the sickness this is the compulsivity this is the compulsivity my flock my breed we are just simulated cities of brick by brick micro powers brick by tiny brick even this book introduces hardly any knowledge we have to grasp so hard our whole lives spent reaching for what we do not know and grasping even less about movies and dreams camera one camera two about grabbing hold of a window frame and spending your life looking through it for a while camera camera one and two about how we above are doing this to our present selves we from the sky and how we here are doing it now through movies and dreams to our lower selves and through stories and books they seem real to us at the time about how easily consciousness is malleable how seamlessly and easily we slip into the dream how without crevaces are paved the walls of our mentality we can be stripped of our everything without a sound we would never even know it happened never even be sent a signal these tiny little analogies of systems of operation they take our lifetime to understand and more than lifetimes consciousness pased through books stacked and stacked from person to person to understand the dynamics that was built a liftetime ago by camera geniuses camera geniuses camera one and the camera of two sitting at the table with a reader of my memoirs foolishly they think that hanging with me will be exciting we will get into some of those old adventures massive amusements but they see it is not all at like that I avoid drinking avoid adventure at all cost my life has taken place in spite of the tendency for excitement to happen I am like an amusement park goer who rides no rides I swing no roller coasters slide no monorails I sit on a bench beside the funnel cakes trying to keep my fingers clean that sweetness of powder is the most electricity in my day the highest voltage is my neural cords hair thin wires connecting the whole of my body vibrating with the higher voice that voice that connects to us not from above but from within that alien self running in and out of us not the littlest representation if itself with radio controlled wires running from the dark side of the moon it is like standing in a train station waiting to die waiting to decompose waiting to stop dreaming our corpus in a skeleton version of ourselves that sleight yet muscular wraith found in a bombed out burger king living there the exited version of some secret human experiment the expired useful incarnation of the alphabet agencies expatriated for a life of homelessness a life of homelessness from the species used abused transformed transposed almost infinitely expunged except it still lives in the bombed out burger building until youtube explorers come upon him scare the the shit out of him it is not that every creature feels fear even the scary ones it is much more that the creatures who feel fear that much more than the rest of us that those creatures become the scariest ones they have to to protect their fragile egos this is true in corporations as well as singular encounters in bombed out burger kings true in conference rooms and classrooms and sanctuaries in families in dining rooms in living rooms on christmas inside computer wirings surveillance channels over cellular telephone networks under wires in the ocean we have more data about ourselves than we know what to do with more data about us than we can ourselves interpret more data about ourselves than can possibly have meaning to us it splays in more dimensions than our minds can handle yet we continue to collect continue to connect continue to dive to the bottom of the ocean to spy after someone has laid see after someone has said where is the more awareness in the seeing or the saying it may well be in the sight of what one another of our selves has gone ahead a little deeper into that ocean to be able to say it may be that one out of a thousand has achieved the depth to say something worth understanding and that understanding is the agency activity thirty five thousand with genius level brains seeking to understand the one who has taken a half step ahead of us all we are all us all every one of us every one of us no need to compete to scare you scare yourself by scaring me you create the need to heal yourself by hurting me we are an organism at war with itself why are we an alien science project probably just for fun probably for the satisfaction of playful competition we may be just the childhood playtime project of a slightly aged being one who has taken one more step into the cosmos what must it be like for my grandmother to die to step from evangelical religion denial of the little truths I see into radians cosmic light bam I do not know but probably not much different that the shock I will experience in the difference between the front of this tapestry and its back probably my shock will be nearly as great as hers maybe more who knows but at least I wonder at least I feel superior by questioning but probably it will be the ultimate plaything for all of us probably expanding our minds like the mushroom in the shit expanded my ancestors a trip of every proportion psilocybin times ten times three times the one of me knocked out and spun through stars which are not stars but every shape of every thing imaginable by a superior being not superior like mother but superior like super like the big mom flash of all time and all things most of us dying at once in the flash but dying not dying like we think of dying but dying like a sudden leap of understanding how if you have a burning project you tend to stay alive a little longer live a little more like the dream masters from above higher within will give us an extra month or years of pent up energy peaked to rocket us through the possibilities of time future people of our ilk with fluorescent transparent bodies going to the bathroom in heavenly shitter stalls and thinking about it looking upward while the excrement leaves us at a rotoscoping would be ceiling and we ponder our existence all this pooping and peeing over and over what is up with that we hate new yorkers every self important pretense every self centered custom and insular neighborhood you think nothing ever happens outside of nyc or that everything important that ever happens happens there it is nothing of value rich people begging for a dollar the cross of mary joseph and jesus sacrificed for a quarter and a penny sacrificed for speed inconvenience to the maximum terminilogical overdrive all this at the cost of spirituality of waiting of being nowhere for a while and find a better time in ohio than you could ever spend your life searching a timeframe in nyc theaters seven stories above the street cheaper to build up another floor than to move out and about one block over and out at these far reaches where you felt like you traveled over the period of a year theaters are packed every seat is filled with barely beating hearts they are eating popcorn and sour patch but there is something missing in the terseness they read a book but in speedy gonzalez does it resonate they tooth grip on speed laugh about it skipping over the next case emergency the next case heartbeat spiking this one has a tottoise neck this one a kidney stone give them medicine for pain check the chart out the door there is nothing else to say is there is there nothing you can find from twenty thousand feet the executive summary never caught this type of fly for brooklyn for speed save for coolness every hipster die every smart choked beard wearing dudical you have the beard in name only trimmed like a fashionista you look like a sculpture but not all the way just a little way wild every mark on your map of coolness is not even registering in most parts of california and ohio we have coffee dunkin and better stuff mail ordered illy yeah I know it is like a young woman naked shaved like a new york peppermint patty she shocks you and catches your attention then her nudeness really catches your attention all you special creatives with liplock I meet you on the subway in line at the post office and you say you direct I say what and then the solemn silence befalls you becoming you say you wrote a musical I say which one and then the solemn silence befalls you like what the fuck do you people do up in this biotch did you sign a contract that says you may not talk to gawkers in line at the post office crowding into you in subway cars or do you just not want to start a rampage of me storming your gates juicing into you gouging you for an autograph from the director of the oc I have the fucking oc you bitches and I think this is rather what you are afraid of not that I will swarm you rather that I will say what what was is that you directed what musical was that you wrote and leave you standing there more lost than you already are new yorkers hate themselves deep down for this they imagine themselves falling in love with an ai a fully decomposited and elementary model of the brain like ibm has done they think you can build a brain model neuron from neuron like there are little workmen and working women hung from ladders swinging tiny hammers if you love each and every one of those workers do you love the whole does it rise up from the bottom like effervescence does love form in one big bubble like they said in church when I was little there was one great hour of sharing which meant unzip your pocketbook but for me this one great hour of sharing summoned up the pumpkin patch of charlie brown and the great pumpkin some sheet white ghost rising like olympus above the serengeti hour was that ovular o the shape of a mouth regular except for the heat waves how will she love me back without the slosh of neuronal patterns going on within her how will she love me back without the learning of a thousand nations edging in her culture you will never build one brain and court me you will build a billion brains and court me how will she love me back without fingers and a pussy how will she kiss me without lips and a tongue where will I go there will be nowhere to put me when I go where will she go with me will she lie with me by the ocean how will her body hold her head will her head be able to drink and you say she will be smart enough to predict the future well I can hardly do that so what will we talk about insert the structural map for a neuronally connected network here charge it with a low wage battery swiped from ancient egypt no those artifacts they were not lost they were blown off the face of the earth by oppessors blasted to smithereens as we liked to say can you imagine the way these words look on the page in this font in that font can you imagine the way they would look with punctuation and italics and all the bells and whistles from a farce to a dog pound everything is in my bag every secret weapon from a boink to an eyelash whisper they are every one of them equally deadly to the likes of you who never think of how to construct an ai never think of how an ai might fall in love never read a book about thinking about thus and so are never privy to the nakedness of thay girl I mentioned earlier who is like illy they have never tasted illy nor discussed illy and they are therefore doubly ignorant you at least have read about it left to seek it out like all those brooklyn things holy sweetness sugar packets to your eyes you at least have read and find that the only thing lacking is your ability to send the fine the mystical learnings of your travels back to me disassemble them link by link weight by weight unscrew each neuron and its jizz its cum its spunk spewn against a wall and these wall walkers jizz their way down from the top to the bottom curtains wallpaper neopolitan ice cream the hat you wear when you serve ice cream to children is it meant for the self image of the server some concepts created in this childlike mind of mine looking up at the stripey cone hat of my father holding me in clown arms in a scene designed from gacy my father could have easily been that all of us could if headed down a path of mercy of death row of spiny little midnight suns waning their way through the sky down through our horizons meat packing ability the decomposition progression of a fully connected network after its big bang that brain from ibm maximally connected at the beginning that is the singularity or so called singularity when all the nodes of the network are connected in every way possible that makes it so every node seems to be right on top of the others there is no space no spatial closeness no spatial singularity that is just that it does not take many hops to get from one place to another that is just that it maybe takes one or two hops to get from any node to any other node you get it that is the singualrity of maximal connectedness and then it falls away it falls apart it falls to macrame weaving a holey tapestry a dress with space to put my fingers to reach to touch to poke and prod and as the universe expands the weaving loosens it lessens in its density its connectedness in its wovenness or quickfulness until like a circle string most loosely connecting its pieces it expands to a one way in one way out type network where from any given state there is only one possible past and one possible future the emptiest universe that could be no room there to fall in love to make love to encircle your pinky finger around mine to lift my nail with yours to let me circle my pinky nail around the inside of your nostril like in the jungle book the snake from the garden your ringlets of hair finding its place of fall every strand of hair ruminating tween the splinters of a board likewise our social rhythms found their rhythm our holding places found their own holding places our hiding places found their hiding places our dark holdings between tongues their holdings tongues and places arranged in darkness there was a woman here there was a women in between our grains of sand what happens when an ai dies I guess that will have to be among our questions answered or do we just create surface of surface of surface of sur laps and waves the infinite ocean licking at the backs of our knees her cool breezes mystify us every one who steps into her shores to every one who steals from us a shell to every child in us who steps arching over from rock to rock avoiding the water avoiding the sand gulping in tiny doses of the air just above the surf sand sky an arch from hand to hand ribbons in fingers floating the upper part of a circle my hands do draw it sparkle wow a bright spot above my head and fingers snap conductors boom and traffic stop light redirectors go zzzbt and therefore all the animals of the ocean from train tracks to highway to amtrak ticketed passengers to pot smoking non stoner non hipster california workers the cinematographer on national treasure the office worker who slips adderall and cleans every surface possible of her office and the computer programmer who drinks so hard to prove something who like everyone does coke and who engages in the occasional meth weekend at the house of my dealer an ant crawls across my screen there it is is it he or she is it me or thee taking ourselves in and out of sex the presence of the moment realness sharpness depending on the person my eyes are open or closed looking down to see her breasts and below is she hairy I hope she is naturally unhairy I love that one eyed lock face sticking in the key and whatnot then learning to cum in someone ugly mounting her and closing your eyes feeling only the feeling of the stirring pot seeing in the mind the hair of a redhead imagining getting off with that girl from the summer camp of my dreams the one who pulled on me from underneath the lake who said to come to her cabin after swim and then I did and then we did and what we did was a delicate half bubbled up from the bottom where the sludge and that is no way to make friends matthew that is no way by using words in ways that no one understands them imagining your old cunt is her young cunt as we thirty growing older our cunts and cocks are not of a particular age old or young but of that in between older than twenty younger than fifty I dream of that redhead from between your legs obvs I felt needy for a confession that is this document and every one this character and every one is confession just the same as to a catholic priest cept this one is permanent and published whatever that means it has a public version and somewhere someone is imagining you between the legs of their horse they are riding you and riding you and loving your fatness adam sandler has a costume girl maybe if I had kept some friends I would have no problem with promotion distribution and the rest but then I would have never had the quiet needed to write it not if I had kept every connection not if I had kept some I had to walk a hierarchy of conversations to get to this poin we are drug addicts and we are dreamers not so much either now really but by our forties we are growing into them I had to work out of feeling this was a school assignment and work into feeling like this is an open wild free fun playground that is all is ever is just a dreamer and a drug addict two opposite ends of a certain pole two opposite ends of a certain person who is me a certain selfsame personality construct tempting us like gods tempting our watching preferences from ubiquitous television channels watching habits neilsen ratings it is no longer available in a set top box they no longer need the box it every bit of it is available in an uber virtual box a concept a conceptual box running in the cloud we are running out of provisions down here running from dealers down here snapping looks in my eyes mitigating camera one camera two there is the beach there is the beach I possess superior lenses and lenses are the most important factor in determining the overall look and feel of your film that is camera and one and camera and two like fingers prancing on a piano fortissimo bizarro piecing together a wonderpiece see if I say it here they will think I mean this piece they will think I mean the masterpiece formed of these pieces they will think I am talk about myself they will absolutely know I am talk about myself they will deepfake my ass into talking about myself these are just warnings you know from the tele where I loved my roommate has gf as you may recall I introduced them a friend from back in the day and I did not really love her I liked her immensely and lusted over her occasionally and that time of her telling me she would have sucked my dick for fifty dollars and I am like no that would have been fine if you had but I would have given you fifty dollars anytime maureen anytime my sweet girl just because you are the other kind that does not mean I would take advantage of you for the price of a fifty I jerked off a couple of times about that after she told me but I never would have said yes to it that is because even at my lowest I have never been characterized by depravity even when homeless when hungry I have never been depraved maybe as depraved as maureen was at that time maybe depraved enough to give myself as sex but never quite so easily as a girl can do her best to suck a dick never quite that easily but not on my character have I ever been living in such a depraved state as to accept a blow job for fifty dollars that is for the heads of some but not sadly not proudly not mine and maybe it is pride but not a proud kind a silent kind who sits on the sidelines when the fifty dollar blow jobs are given out the time when I dressed in baseball pants for a school photo memory project and everyone looked at my crotch and laughed I was standing there like are they looking at my legs no are they looking at my crotch they are in bright lights I am flooded with light when brigham said that my friends is why you always wear a cup and everyone laughed and I took my picture anyway took it proud and strong and with a baseball pose I held my bat in my hands and pretended to swing and I stared down every tickle coming from beyond those blinding lights and back in the closet back in the changing are I looked down at my peen and it seemed its normal size it seemed healthy and well formed and I packed it back in my undies and went on with my day and here we will have the testicle reference this is the testicle reference here I find myself announcing it like a reference in c this is the thing that points to the other thing and the other thing is the thing where michael sees my testicle sticking out and the thing is this thing here the reference that says this is where it actually happens this is the actual where and when of it this is the testicle reference here this is the testicle thing my testicle snaps back up inside my shorts snap this is where it happened that before was a flash forward this is the michael sitting next to me looking over to see it this is the maureen sitting next to michael for a funny flash of information never looking herself not wanting to see another testicle and partly because that maureen had a special thing for me and to look at my junk would be a nice treat even if it was just a testicle even if that was all it is or all it was or all it ever would be how an alteration of your experience through drugs or whatever technology is the ultimate experience the ultimate consciousness the ultimate superpower of computing ability why do I think like this on a beach why does the granular chaos of the beach bring these thoughts about in me why do I program everything everything is a program for me everything is some broad simulation or not really simulation but creation we are not a simulation of ourselves but we are a creation within ourselves some artificial sand all the living parts lie on the dissappearing edge of a fractal being spun out I think even the big bang and planets and solar systems are a lie based on the totality of what we can see and do here the breakdown of a girl pole dancing breaking down her sexuality as a hold between her legs two holes that is all it is covered up that is all it fucking is one hole two holes and everything like it everything coming from the exposed crotch of a guy banana sprouts up and pops in your face huh huh the fruitiest fruit there is that there ever is that there ever ever was the stimulus package for nipples otherwise women would never breastfeed and looking at that pretty face that says this is ok to cum now it is like a poster on the wall she has to have a pretty face has to have that smile or that oh she has to make me want to cum and when I see her tits I want to cum when I see her face I want to cum I think that is an evolutionary thing recorded in me to play back during copulation telling my cock when to cum pump that semen into her is it ok now yes it is ok now if I look at her back I am not ready to cum if I look at her butt no her elbow no only her tits or her face I assume because of the relative position that I am in when I look at her tits or her ass my cock presumably inserted in the right hole number one in her or maybe hole number two cut the chances in half we will still have babies man we still will or think about her history if she was valedictorian well that is one thing to make me cum thinking of all that smartness wobbling around inside her head wobbling around her tongue like cum taking louisville slugger inside the asshole with little glory no self respect no rattle inside the bones no spunkiness to the bones this is about a girl whose personality changed not bipolar not a deep deep dive into depression which could have caused it but even after she woke up from her percocet induced coma it had alcohol too even after her son and I stood playing kick in the back yard after she got carried away she got a new home at the hospital she stayed for a week when the medics picked her up this girl could be heard snoring but wouldn’t wake up no matter how loudly we yelled at her no matter how frankly we clapped in her face and said ashley ashley wake up and now instead of a wild alcoholic she is not she is a sheepish waifish girl of thirty three who speaks ultra quietly as though your ear were the ear of a fly on her shirt and she looks at us like a mouse would meek and speaks as quiet as a mouse this is a girl who used to wear inappropriately short and inappropriately see through shorts barely covering her hoohaa she danced around on the porch with her boyfriend who later killed himself he went to rehab and was there for thirty days walked out on the thirtieth day went into the woods and hung himself he was always doing things wrong he did everything wrong in fact his mind was muddy and clear our friends called him stupid but when he came over I listened to him talk and he thanked me for listening and I said you say your mind is dumb but it seems smart to me he had unusual insights just was always missing the obvious I can relate I can relate my man but then mike and I banned him from our house because everything he touched turned to shit a real midas impersonator he would sleep on the couch then be coming in our rooms at night to complain and apologize and we could not take it we said man do not come back here and not long afterward he killed himself by hanging himself in the woods that was not natural that was not what anyone intended and michael and I are a lot more careful about who we ban from our apartment now that girl though her personality is still the same still changed not a bipolar depression but something wrong with her brain that fetches me a memory of a girl at camp at first we told the story of putting the hand of a sleeping camper deeply in ice water to make her pee herself but then it turns into filling her hair with honey and when she woke to clumps in her hair everything about her plus her hair all sticky, she freaks out and fails to see the funny side branding us instead as traitors not speaking to a single one of us from that day till the end of camp not a single word not a pleasant glance I guess I would be angry too if I had a whole book of camp stories I could not tell them all but this particular girl I liked I wanted to fuck her to feel her to touch her everywhere she had a where to be touched and now she would never spread her legs for me not in this life maybe if we lived in the same home town maybe if I had a year to work on her I could convince her to show me between her panties where it scrunches and stains with yellow yellow is the opposite of brown getting my dick sucked by our film school producer I will call her kate and katherine is a lesbian but she said she always wanted to do that to me and so we find a time when michael is out shooting and she opens my shorts not revenously not quickly at all but like I am her flower and she sucks my dick a few times and I come in her my cock leaned to the side like the stamen of a flower my cum dripping out the corner of her mouth she wipes me up with her fingers and the side of her shirt and when the girl is done and I see a wet spot on her panties coming through the space between her legs where her shorts are opened I lie her back on my mattress on the floor I unzip her jeans and pull them down slightly and tongue the shit out of that girl spot that wet spot growing she pushes her panties down silently and I say this is no reason to be scared and I lick at her lap at her like a kitten or a dog and I let the sounds fill the room and she has not cum but she reaches down with her outstretched hands envelops me in clasped hands and pulls me upward warning me not to speak and I do not I do not speak I poke around gently and she reaches between our legs and grabs me and directs me into her hole and I cannot tell you the glory I cannot tell you the awkwardness I cannot tell you how we squeaked against each other and I told her I was going to cum and she slowed me down a little bit and still with clasped hands kate rubbed against my cock and I felt her go warm down there and katherine her cheeks turned red and I could feel she was hot where her legs made the point of their v that girl reminds me of a masseuse named libby who we talked about pain and its various types the types where your body is telling you there is something wrong like kidney stones or pain that may be bad but where your body is not sending you signals that anything is wrong pain like childbirth we did chair massage and then full body massage I was cool to Libby inside my mind she was this purity person working as a massage therapist and being all healthy and shit and then she saw me smoking outside the bar that was next to the health collective and we smiled and I was like what exactly is she smiling at it was probably nothing more than a smile empty grand just a smile from a person to another different person then I think of playing a game on my phone of walking around in a world when I am in this world and playing a game where I am walking around in a world inside a world inside a world it seems to be the nature of this place to be inside a world inside a world that is inside a world all connected through windows or screens everyone carrying around a screen looking down at it looking up through a large screen looking through windshields in cars with screens up above playing movies screens down below playing games and windows all around the sides the front and the back of the car looking through the window at sim city at the sims then someone is looking through our window at us as us our eyes are the window camera window one camera window two as I blink blink you control me and the me I am here is nothing a programmer a filmmaker do you ever ask yourself why all these windows and screens are here they are for shifting through modes of consciousness for the ultimate kind of tourism for instead of going to disney and riding the rides which are not so ever real to us instead we downshift and become an ant a ladybug and in this same way I believe we are the bodies of the rides for a greater species and we are also the greater species just as a child on halloween is both the zombie and the child we watch looking at worlds through tv movies and someone elses looking through us at our movie the same something universal about that looking through a downshifted version of something like ourselves what makes us learn through doing that why do we delight in that maybe to teach ourselves basic truths about life maybe maybe it is just for fun like breathing for a moment without oxygen it spikes the brain but not too much or you end up like my friend with the percocet whispering to gnats on her blouse as it bloweth in the wind as her voice and her mind and her experience bloweth in the wind are melted to absolute silence mit out sound so you see her lips move but never hear the sound of her voice she is blowing on the beaches of santa monica boyfriend dead her blouse flapping violently and do I think I ever knew anyone with anymore spunk than that did I ever hear anyone speak who had been through half of what she had no I never even heard her speak but I admit when I think of her I think of those manic days when mike and I had people over to drink and that girl danced her little tootsie off she danced her literal ass off through literally translucent shorts I was embarrased to look at them because you could see it but you could never see it that was the reality of things she had no underwear on underneath those shorts just a shaved pussy hidden by the seams I gravitated toward her face and she was the wildest dancer out there here and lost she was the most amazing now the least assuming worker at a dollar store in glendale making no jokes making no faces and I must train myself to remember what I knew and have intentionally forgotten but I must do it here and now while I am still in this place this isle of pirate head bats spherical with gold in their teeth half human half animal bats where I drug along behind the car by ropes exposed to the random attacks of the pirate spheres we had read about them in a guide which described their kind as bats but as we looked at them more closely they turned out to be everything but tortoise moving bubbling bone fragments with their mouths held open all looking upward facing the direction of the sun with head wraps and jewels like pirates googly eyes muppets leaning out from the scenery ready to snap a head off their movement slow but on occasion snafu they operate like a pinball machine pin of ball of machina zipping line entre the deux pulled taut around your neck a pirate trap of booty circles a simple stem bisect your lifeblood life trunk your picture of pulse and life suddenly broke twigs have better chances bats hang from ceilings large ones vamp cows that scares me but these pirate booty bats developed a culture collected precious metals machined them built an economy where everything was money every tooth cap every necklace every head strap all gold every bit one hundred percent golden boy with precious stones rubies and garnets with exotic cloths pinned around the heads with strands of sparkly jewels floating in the air like a mine field airborn impossible to move you can never go through without losing a hand or an eye they discard your body in the seas below then return to near stillness facing the sun following it like it was heroin and god like they spun drugs all the time like they were all high on something that demands their complete attention to the death yes cultural experts on shisha for a movie but the culture of shisha does not want itself in movies so they have them light the shisha with a lighter every time they draw smoke even though the charcoal would have stayed lighted between puffs this is a slight procedural inaccuracy with a deep dive straight into the middle of the vortex pool they had me living in a pickup truck in the front yard smoking weed every day writing in a notebook having expansive dreams that I made a documentary for netflix something better than what I find there when I look I have a degree from film school right I might as well do something but everything is better in my dreams when I dream I have this amazing shot of mike getting his ass kicked at the end of the movie while the guy who fought him lumbers off into the dusk light that guy is black mike is white but not white mike not that white kid mike and boom boom the play ends the dusk turns to dark and mike has a hero journey like every other but this one the superiority of novelty the last one any of us has seen and for one whole minute it lives in infamy plays itself in my mind before my hands rush for the remote flickering on a new list choices span out cursor flies over the screen the flicker in the eye how a whole field of vision jumps from here to there and how at first it disturbs me and then I get used to it and then I find a strange enjoyment to it like I find enjoyment in a trip and how with things like this everything is downhill from here until falling apart piece by piece I shuffle toward the end an accidental poem I am a deep deep well of culture reach into me and scoop out handfuls of dirt of soil of mineral shit step up and go inside the cow her ass is mine her stomachs mine her deep stirring mine her lips mine her facial expression is mine this cow blasts into space by her own power she can breathe long enough to sing to the stars and sky something more beautiful than her entire life even though her entire life includes the song her entire life includes the entire universe in holograms inside her mind we have about four facts when combined form a revolution here we have a we have a revolution here between these sheets when I lick you longer than a minute I free soldiers within you overturn uprisings what is an insurgent an invasion brings an outside country in an insurgent is someone who rejects the invasion someone defending their country from an invasion and when stated in those terms any red faced american can identify when you call them insurgents it sounds like they are attacking those who are rightfully there which is exactly ass backwards such is the nature of terms which try to be propaganda so simple but how many people have it clearly in their minds what a set of bullshit insurgency is everyone knows that facebook is lies but no one wants to quit smh this is like aol back in the day people thought it was the internet now people think facebook is the internet the whole of everything you would want to access is somehow available on fb pizza hut has a web page facebook the white house has a facebook presence my aunt says I know you stopped using facebook but what about your books why do you not promote them on facebook because I have principles bitch and I live by them I would rather never be heard of ever than get my start on facebook bitch she uses fb but is not ever aware of the words of zuck hates users cares nothing for our privacy wants to run for president so much that his atheism is no more my aunt probably will not even care if zuckerberg is president however about that I have a thought too many of our people let the games just slide they click yes yes yes when the answer is resoundingly not yes never I refuse to participate turn my back on zuckerberg and every robot like him fuck him fuck robot politicians when are we going to realize that the training needed to become a ceo is not the same as the training needed to become a world leader by maximizing profit you do not maximize benefit to humanity I think everyone has seen that now but here is something to consider we have a hundred years of philosophy and political theory that has been read by the interested but not by anyone who can implement it very very smart people who can think their way through some hard problems are too hard for harvard educated zuck to read too hard for power thirsty presidents to read I do not even think they read themselves anymore I think this one only watches television I think this one thinks all eyes are still on him in the apprentice the television we watch is terrible the bachelor please I would rather watch cheers I wake up the whole house is full of mud I take a piss at night my feet cruble chunks of dirt between my toes I wake up this morning the entire house smells of salad dressing why why does my house smell like salad dressing maybe mike sleep walked to the fridge for garden fresh salad deliciousness I bet you michael votes for bush I mean trump I mean middle bush cleansed us from terrorism except nine eleven that was minor it did not count I imagine him in the voting booth scratching his head and voting for the male I have never been a friend of hillary but not because she walks with a twaddle between those legs hopefully by the time you read this the united states will be gone and before zuck has his chance to pilot it captain zuck do you care about your users I mean uhh voters umm citizens you get us all in the marble game and you will I assume based on lineage actually not care about slightly more than half of us it is really less like zuckerberg wants to be president as it is that the cia wants zuckerberg to be president he will make love to their policies look at this thing the other way how do you think people get to be president except money money money that my friends is all it ever is this is no longer a democracy if it ever ever was I sit in a silent house simple room my kidney bean shaped desk mattress on the floor every coming and going monitored by my housemate if a girl leaves her purse on the kitchen table that be a zing or left by my best friend why would you think that just because my sex is less frequent than a twenty five it does not mean I have gay between my legs not that it should matter now my sister says I dead named her child I called him daniel referring to a picture taken of him as a child before he transitioned she says that dishonors who he has become since I said fine I do not even know the first name of my now female nephew neice way to be hateful girl I get it you and daniel have something you understand between you that I will never understand point taken it reminds me of the dizzying maze of concepts and terms thrown up by trans people to illustrate the same you understand your own sexuality I never will fine with me I staked no claim on that knowledge anyway I just wanted to treat you with respect but the rules kept changing they were too complex not everyone is going to remember separate pronouns for every human being they know is this french no my name is not masculine or feminine in this language it must be cool to have kids with exotic sexualities that you can use to fuck your brother cool fuck you brother yeah wow and I used my kid to do it to make up a problem between me and a nine year old it must be nice to be sophisticated a sophist a deadly pool frogs sunning themselves in technicolor there was a beach there was a beach there was a beach so far back there that lazers not straight enought to reach it dolphin screams when she is raaaped a crawling finger fingers fist pinch a crawling feeling crayfish moments brighton beaches of days lore your alice postcard I left a kiss for you on your chair I went to my chair there was a pair of clean white panties not underwear that would destroy my segment the next segway will transport you from point a to point b they are not quite so clean as you can imagine my dear wolf one I have broke into the haze unlocked your cd turntable you will feel my spinning disc forty five rpm I was right underneath the record lecter you will be my hannibal you will be my hannibal dance lecter dance you know I meant it said by forest it was all about the shrimp boat and the crab boat and those thousands of kinds of shrimp I saw you in this font when it ziiip ziiiped its way out of the dot matrix mario it had a dot matrix screen and stereo sound plain jane and the active harmony matrix this is a recording from the future you sent it forward to have it sent back there are no people up here by the way this is from a remailing service the historians I see the national treasure two ers the two hundred dollar shoe ers the child I would like to woo her somewhere in here they turned up the maga boom and mega bass all the colors have been turned to shades of grey a vampire bite behind the theatre curtain comes at your neck like a flight of fire find you now that less is so much so so so much more at this end of life than could have ever been imagined is reincarnation reason to disallow rape baby abortions in the first trimester that is a question that is my question right the fuck now in face me face me my attackers roses and lilacs and here is a peony for you ophelia squeeged me with her panties robbed my cock of its cum with bloody white virginal panties rubbed them down in her fist like she is polishing the brass on the titanic let me not think of this as writing books I am jotting trash instead let me think of this as writing and let the books come later let this be a kerouac scroll let me never press enter tough guy every mistake is left exactly as it could have been I think this pot is taking over think this amtrak is going to squeeze me sooo hard between the rocks and it sooo hard she forced me to fuck her up the ass I swear to you she forced me there was nothing she gave her consent for this motherfucker that was annie her period blood orange to match her hair is that not the same orange from joker hair is that not the color of madness we are all mad here and doubly rejoined from your past and from your future this is rolodex call me so hard baby call me in my trailer nights tell me you love me baby talk to me like I am a child I always have been and ever after amen my mother in hell absolves me of everything I will ever do everything I had ever done markedly like paint I stand in the rain thrust myself at you so proudly and so vulnerably I am a woman I am naked now I am shouting at you standing here on your porch in the rain this is all I ask of you this is the moment this is the time when you will have to respond with more than a swab of deodorant underneath my legs if you wanted I did not provide if you hated it I never told you you have to if I switched it then I will swaddle it now the big boat rhymes like those inscribed at the top of the s s minnow they say recklessness and virginality and hop to me lou me darlin god your girlfriend is hot I wish she was hot like me and my dinner with andre flow feel the talk feel the beat the beat is on the beat of my heart stills thee oh princess oh shakespeare oh bard oh mamet oh yes oh the false legends of pulp the false directors the ones who sold to style to special effects who made lucas a household name you know with a little movie called star wars I never really gave them much of a thought there is that scene from a color purple where she cuts the guy while shaving him on his porch at least she thinks of it that is one the scariest scenes I know of you keep thinking would he get the gun would he spray her into a thousand pieces on the porch feel that that lack of a bang there it is again that dropped syllable by rappers indicated by earlier rhymes spinster magic dollface character crocodile baby scooter in a realm of school faced fliers of versatility fliers of grace fliers of a bug on a sneeze my housemate caught a fish from her daughter mother son and now this planet plays catch up with the bog with the devil with that most powerful force your civilization has ever known whatever that is is just a placeholder for the sun a viral message encoded to us by master encoders lit in orange and yellow and red they chip away at digit chips cookie cutter ants virused us a digital one and zed became brilliance killed off pretty much the whole damn species before we realized it contained a message was probably only ever supposed to be a message and the viral load was just a timebomb ensuring that if we had not read the message by the time of the bomb that whatever life was on the other end of this parcel went zip zoo bang and here is theodore stanley kazanski all once again and up and down and sideways up again all smoke and fire all soldier up in yo ass I am a woman soldier and there is a soldier all up in my ass his name is known to many his providence but by reputation well uhm his is huge aka hattori hanzō blah blah blah the definition of a generation fucking nixon there it is I said it I dropped the n bomb different than the n word fucky fresh for the nineties you will always forever be the prince of bel aire we went to the same middle school but I did never meet your ghost while I was there and thither thither and thither up the castle wall you always have me climbing in your songs that is how you see you how can I see you better just a joke just a joke to express myself in one tone inside which another tone takes jest at the first mentioned imagine the dynamics visible by any higher dimensional being for sure snake box the hand shake brother let the good times fly the friend zone millenials remind me of someone who walks into a room and labels everything like no I never thought of that as the friend zone but thank you for labelling it for me dear millenial dear millenial no everything is not the gaslighting effect it sounds really cool and has been in a bunch of movies but that does not mean it is happening to you right now every second of every day millenials I like you like that if you find yourself a freak then call me maybe this is so funny that I drink so much you know my grandfather died of this allegedly he was drinking a bottle of vodka but I drink gin so that bodes well for me yes that is a well vote in my direction a presidential nomination and it was never really a zone until you friendzoned it then an amorphous friendly area snapped into definition in a zone a newly formed and duly incorporated rigid zone zone motherfuckin zone maimed modulated mutantized murdered mitigated moonlighted as murmured finally muted and packed away delivery by llama to the andes mountains of alcatraz the fiction that no one ever escaped was worth more than nine eleven no dude I am in fact here all night for my asmr crime series where I read true crime fiction as asmr and scare the shit out of your nerve endings for the dumber or dumb axial radial controlled parachuting ability of my flight stick retro model four nine one b send us this little viral packet it says to ignore everything that is without style that is the weakness called on me by those sacred millineals that I treat style like the holy that I worship the style of a thing far beyond its substance but I say what is the function without the form and that there maureen schooled us when michael showed her the bikes she said mike why do you ask me to guess which bike is yours your bike is obviously the one on the right she says because I know matthew would never buy a girl looking one like that red one ha ha mike you always be so silly with this shit I guess this is just one of those matters of style honey but why he said why would matthew never buy a bike like this one bzzt killing the innocent victim evil stalker kills three innocent girls why do we need to see them as innocent they are not they are not strictly innocent innocent of murder yes innocent of kidnapping but why does it have to be innocence who is murdered not just some holy little nasty little girl or why are we happier to see them that way it is not now never has been the guilty versus the innocent is the judge presiding over the trial innocent certainly not is the husband lying dreaming in his sleep before he gets shotgunned in the back of his head innocent of shooting himself in the back of the head maybe but how many years lived versus how many years of innocence lost he finds himself not innocent but progressively guiltier masturbation defacation fucking fucking men fucking women fucking sheep how is a man in his fifties innocent of much this is those guilty of this versus those guilty of that no one is innocent no killer no victim no chatty little girl maybe not an infant is even innocent in the purity sense in which we mean maybe not even jesus maybe not even god the mention of a virus airborne that will kill humanity breathing in that cold light air just before putting on the mask breathing in the sharp air that which could contain the coronavirus it is the biggest virus in a century big enough to be a pandemic and still some people are blah about it blah blah corona same size as the flu no big deal they think we are being manipulated by the government to wear masks as an exercise in subservience subordination just getting us ready for the plague to end all plagues all of these are of course sent out by the government from secret doors on highest mountains sent on wings of bees the development of which produces a sting of violent proportion vehement polytheism no one even cares how much you do not care your extreme lack of caring occupies a sport on your level occupies nothing here it is the shavings of boll wevils tenement groins that as the subtlest theme mentioned throughout in development the silence the yearning the silence the yearning for that the end of our most precious species not even a whiff on the alien tongue how did we become so defenseless for a scent this thing so big and yet the sniff of a candle we do not even matter enough for them to save this whole book will be a glimpse at our last one hundred years through blinked eyes camera one camera two is that all I have to offer all I ever have to say is contained in that statement camera one and camera two and camera one and camera two the blinking of the second portal blinking of the first blinking of the second portal blinking of the first that is thy ever sequenced of a dung pile of the eternal politicians have zero interest in the meaning politicians have zero interest in the lie all they carry in that most secret pocket is a printed list of the catch phrases of the day the talking points thing like zero dollar value and total interest consolidation those are the syllables that ring back and forth through the networks of the world those are the syllables that control the sphere on which you think you stand could such a thing really be a lie how could it not my fellow slave a president is too dumb to act out anything but a lie he tries to gain politically at the end of the world saying the word china first by wrapping his china fist in a red cloth doused in american blood those who prop him up are the most deceived those who think they benefit are the most manipulated for no one benefits from the mad king riding his bicycle in slow motion through the buzzword beltway showing the gold in his basket but never passing out any never proving his is real this is death by politics I tell you death by chocolate never seemed so good it never towered over me like the statue of liberty toppled on tires blown gloat with the supremacy of white of tall of big of fat of golf of the threat of money so glorious is it not millions billions who will be the first trillionaire why do not these authors stick their heads outside of politics do I need writers insinuating politics where I sought entertainment did I ask for their opinions did I welcome in their symbolic arguments when I turn to movie stars they never spare their beliefs either should they not shut up not turn their botoxed lips inside themselves when topics stray outside of pussy wagon you mean you would no longer like to hear news you do not like from the people that you do everywhere I turn there are people shouting politics politics and everything I do not want to hear on netflix even showing up in email signatures slinking into my screen far from the edges I think the cia is putting these messages on my screen this one says shut the fuck up or we will kill you that was in relation to an alien encounter from god the people in the area heard lights and saw sounds with their eyes and ears which the aliens did not have not ears nor lips all they had were eyes and a nose and a butthole the size of san antonio destinaion france why is it american buttholes hate france so much why does the francophone inspire such fear in the south floridian voter chad char x I never understood the naming conventions in programming that is to say I never needed the naming conventions needed in programming methamphetamine cycles in nomenclature you swath a word with a smaller word with a set of characters designed to help you remember what type its variable is but what if you need not help what if you just remember so then convention is not necessary what was designed to help you remember is like training wheels to a ninety year old not needed same in mathematics either have a rule or have nothing but a convention is worth nothing if loosely followed and if strongly followed it is a rule a guy stole my bag he stole it off my bike he stole a bag with something in it he did not even know he stole it for the bag perhaps but perhaps he stole it for what he did not know stole my bag and the contents of my bag hidden from view as heavy as two bricks it could be a playstation or it could be two bricks coming up through the well with the fascination of a boll wevil the fascination of a dog just keep your dog on top of me keep it away from me keep that dog a dog distance from my little finger please she is waking up from the act of waking up every day to see there is a much much bigger world beyond this one much bigger beyond playtech beyond nintendo beyond partytech beyond miniontech beyond voxeltechnology beyond cliffs beyond the bluffs of time beyond science beyond ridicule betwixt the tryals of wytches coming north coming north betwixt the science of waking up of coming to see that I am alive again each day for the first time for the nth time camera one camera two before I ever woke up is it a reminder of our fractured consciousness could it be so is it there to remind us that all we have is every day we wake up that that is all we have that is all we ever ever have is this last time we woke up this last time we cycled this last time our brains ran from back to front and it all boils down to infinitude cycles of consciousness broken down to the firing of a neuron whatever that is supposed to be so that it all bubbles back up to the beginning issuing a single order a directive in is it in it is it is in it is into thy guardians of thy galaxy it is possible that I make the most solemn point in the stamp of the leasy solemnly inkwell of humanity of insanity who said those words lied so close together on my map dougherty dough boy johnson dough boy gump did anybody ever tell you you are a goddamn genius that ridicule of war in that a complete idiot is a perfect soldier of their ranks or maybe that gump is an idiot in that context and a genius in the next and that his situational intelligence is a mark for us all the idea that hemingway is a genius at the keyboard but with a gut full of whisky and a shotgun in his hand not so genius not so colossal perhaps in one context but colossal in the next rain drops falling on my head there are rain drops falling on my head ted on my head falling on my head and I will say this till the day that I be dead there are rain drops falling on my head and you shall see me only through the word and every day through thy word blessinged on a kitchen counter you will peer opaque through shattered glass looking for a searchhold searching for a lookthrough and you will know I am on the other side dancing techno in mind eye maybe I face a crisis of selves at the end of the world where I take with me only some people only some parts of my self a handoff of selves where I leave the old me behind and carry forward only the best me marching of selves of picking the one finger to take from each hand and the one lung each from each of my chests the one toe from all twenty this is the culling the pruning this is the mulling and the crooning this is the mind of my enemy it is underneath my fingernails it is coming through me the best of me the very best of over his one hundred disc career or maybe all it is is ten for now yes ten reflective discs each hung from the ceiling this is how I like to be hung this is me backwards this is the only way for me to die this is the way through the crysallis this is the way through a virgin hole was it put here for me to pleasure myself for me to fuck for me to cum in it to pretty it up to clog it from the back and rip it a little yes see your mom is my little sister we all grew up next to the television the files the channels the streams the micro channel amps strung to the backs of my eyes a glorious checksum at the end of each line ensuring this data has never been exfiltrated or infiltrated I hear they can do it on printed documents now you are living in a bubble your version of the great gatsby is different than mine is different than yours and is certainly different than hamingway designed them all to be children of the parallel universe every book next to three others and all connected thus so I never have to worry if what I write or what I say will influence you interfere with you will offend you or make yourself obscene these are the octagons of your brain it is cuddled coddled swathed with covers padding the futon of your house you room your bed your earbuds your eye mask every one of them packs you further and further in and some of us like to live on the edge or how reality used to be defined you will find in these pages minor nuggets most of them observed from the world your first guess is usually right is it not as a guarantee rather as an observation of how consciousness which is to say the world works in this very minute and yet to us quite simple way we are the children of the universe we are not all warriors in fact there is a higher concentration of artists among those of greater intelligence imagine you are the geometry of the arc and we are drawing archangels arc mothers arc fathers arc whatevers this is not an insult you are the whatevers of the universe and your title is tighter around you than the mothers and the fathers I have millions of context switches per sentence you have two or should I say phrase or should I say I say sentence that was the foam hypothesis the futon hypo hypoth hypothesis of glue and love and alcohol a cabinet beside the microwave a cabinet above the sink these are the things like closed door dark room television channels streams news that we use to exorcise the world did you feel your word being bent there I did I found a tweet that pleased me it was not fun it did not inform it was a tweet that pleased me I wished I wrote it in that I would feel parental my ideas gone out into the world but also stranger enough that there were proberbial chinks in the armor the armoire you get me stranger get me get me now oh blow my mind off the block but that does not effect the cost they say language is synasthetic well that blows my mind right off tha motherfucking block they say consciousness is on the edge and I forgot what I was talking about consciousness is consciousness was imagine when consciousness as a concept becomes irrelevant when it seems protean to think about that a whole wave of being what is beyond or above consciousness when I look at this document I see it synesthetically certain letters parts of words appear in blue phrases jumping out at me and thus it is easy for me to construct cross line cross phrase meaningful aliterations cross digital matrix atmosphere if you viewed me through a seive I would become mathematically simple pluck pluck organ sightless harp played by angels no one ever wants to be the first to comment no one ever wants to be the first to see for every one of your comments is correct every wishbone of every accessory chicken is correct every chick every chicklet picture yourself inside the ultimate cosmic bubble infintesimally small around its center you who have a three hundred sixty degree view except in three dimensions or four or ten you can see everything via light beams shot from sources into your eye from the past of all time the end yes the beginning read this and tell me of its non goddamn geniusness read this and tell me you will never read it again read this a thousand times and tell me you have not been here before I am entertaining the gods the gods and devils I have never met anyone in between have you only a chipmunk once she was beauty in her own very twisted way learning through consciousness representing through non fiction why do I even need the word books there she had a lovely disposition and she had to be fucked if she had the guts to love my family unit thanks eva you gave me that book once your general impishness and lack of glory turned me off your chipmunk face and chipmunk lips that is how I described them and that is what they are the difference is in your life it is a chipmunk and in mine it is a field mouse that way I look from the side or back that my friend michael used to call me field mouse on the way to school or when he caught my angles in the editing room field mouse for sure in board shorts even with a testicle bust marking out of the seam of my inseam of my outer seam of the place that was supposed to keep my testicle in my shorts but here we are on the beach here we sit this is poverty the poverty of shopping at walmart to buy our swimming suits of boiling orange but these only last one season that is the unfortunate outcome mr bond monsieur bond if you want stuff that lasts we recommend shopping uhh elsewhere in the ether net what what wut wut w w w minor threat and mucho maas this is the arc the glorious arc what if I started to write stupid right here what if this phrase is the one where it drops but it never will be padawan that is a lesson for you write your character and you will always write the quality of your character slingsheet ernie up there burt up there what if I just dance for a moment ernie boom ernie bang bert bert bert bert this is your birthday this this is your birthday helluva birthday fool helluva one fool helluva fool helluva one birthday fool when you are cosmic like my uncle aster and aunt felix up there do you wing in vestiges of american cinema do you experience multiple birthdays giving that you were born to lightspeed brimming what if I took one year to process associations to the next word instead of one second what if then what if that why do I spend so much time having no idea what is going on here I know you are out there I do not think you are the truth I think you like we are the youth of old cultures none of us know our past I think I have broken through by which I mean fell I fell one thousand stories to my lyric death all a metaphor when seen through such intelligence sand upon sand sand leaking through sand what is left when rocks flow through elegances of the sneak glance house trance techno grouse I shot him with my negro mancer gutter intro mission bling bling blang kiss kiss a migwyn generation necromancer gutteral password it is not about the spying so to speak the giving a shit what information you possess it is more about the impersonating process by which the in and the out are processed post in negativity the cross process feeling of I just have to get a one up right now blao the camel tau the voice of rhymes busta what I would give to end up a tattoo on his bicep one of his creeping dreads imagine a world where none of us have a convincing color imagine us then that will be our graces that will be the style forgiving of malkovich flavorings and soundings and fontings that synesthesia the syntheitic thy parasyntheticallisticmally formulated mole a chasm a chortle this is the compulsivity mack this is it the compulsivity mate of a formless form a program which makes its mark on having no mark as being the one syntax which is syntax less which knows no name the formless form popping up like a bubble amidst a rampart amidst a contemporary pr firm slam job of your and only mutherfuckin lyfe I do not know how they found us on this level physical does not mean touchable think of a world with so many types of physical that physical means nothing we love to watch beautiful creatures destroy themselves why because we are that way we be exactly like that cock fighting summer olympic gymnastics the brain shredding iq competitions ushering use of drugs to enhance focus performance do you even recognize the intelligence of ten points above you what does it mean when your reverse iq sixty four would be profoundly retarded they would require a special classroom and so you require a special classroom but there is none that is the nature of schools of fish someone has got to be on the edge a drop of liquid dropped in the ocean it swirls spines slips downward toward the gravitational pull me down down down into the well of hell deep below the ocean pressures of atmospheres how much q does it require to read this book when I ran the grade level measurement it says two atmospheres the length from here to the bottom of the kiddie pool where swim fishes two by two they matrix flip then matrix randomly in that stochastic regularity that is the most easily and distributedly computable instead of a central intelligence agency maybe what we need is a distributed intelligence agency inviolable possessable by every cell this is the blood of continuous growth the life in disparate systems across the universe by limiting ourselves we arrive at the ultimate unlimited the ultimate freedom the ultimate vice I know I am under atmospheres can feel their weight even though they were designed to be weightless not the real engineers the real enginners know that to monitor a thing it is necessary to affect the performance of that thing downward race car driving space exploration we love to watch beautiful creatures destroy themselves how parachuters x wing suiters people skiing down the greatest mountains in the world people jumping off a floating platform through miles of atmosphere for red bull it used to give you wings but no longer does this killer drink of sugar caffeine taurine which I think is not really bull semen although the name does suggest it does it make you want to jump from a moving platform in space and land on the earth this will likely be a morning time event in the near future people getting in their red bull jumps from space before their commute to the office traveling the length of the world within a day remember the past is in the past never try to reach backward and touch things in it those things might be frightened to see you there might be a ziploc package containing your medicine and keys for the day swallow them all whole hallucinate a pencil use syllables wherever they improve rhythm destroy all rules no rearrange all rules make a step process into an array of rainbow flavors lengthwise extracting themselves from their sleeve not a dick sleeve a sleeve meant for holding rainbows and that way a little girl can fall in love with a kitty that that that is the ticket that is my platform a girl underneath her a luv luv kitten white of course with red eyes a pink white dotted bow and dirt on its foot pads a bowl full of food a house of all plush everything red carpet no less like the playboy mansion fifty revolutions shy of a lake house you have a house on a golf course they just built that golf course in the middle of corn fields last month that is your definition of luxury a simple mansion oh right I forgot you came here from a foreign country or maybe black america what is the difference your mtv cribs looks like every house on my block you have a refrigerator five bedrooms and what riding tricycles around suburbia on a dead end block and this is success to you this is what you dreamed of and what powered your significant raps you did this in order to move into the suburbs like what every jeff uncle jeffy moves to that is the goal is this the american dream to escape uburbia by means visually have your own walmart where the rich people shop those are not rich people those are only the upper middle class your agent was right though with the little amount of money you made off that one album that sells this is the best you can do move from detroit to la then retire to arizona to work off your ten mil in barbeque packets built upon hell to think of clean clean air and viruses blown on the wind suggestions early and throughout that are lined up when pulled by a sting at the end merely a suggestion itself which ties it all together as the last day on earth those dolls with a string through the body coming out the end and if you pull it on the bottom the doll lines up made of wood blocks straight as a soldier I just said it I just said it wow that was a difficult time back there up to this point I was just a civil rights soldier reading the civil rights mags getting thrown out of jail more forcefully than I was ever thrown back in the guards are americans with nothing better to do an obsession with military gear let them play it out on video games simulate their motherfucking asses I mean kill their actual selves and throw them into a battle sim designed to test their fucking asses off designed by someone like me who has little sympathy for paramilitary guys fuck them all fuck your military scope shoots put into my society they say a polite society is an armed one I say if you have to live under the threat of instant death that you can keep your politeness so called anyway if you want to be polite then be polite how can I explain that to people whose thinking is more complex than I who need paramilitary style weapons for motivation to say thank you I say thank you a hundred times a day do not tell me you like to shoot your guns go to that simulation I invoked earlier shoot the fuck out of yourself feather that ego then check your guns at the door and reenter society if you have the ability to influence to brainwash to educate whatever you want to call it then you do that everyone who thinks opposite of you is doing the same hence you are obligated to come at us with the strongest scents possible the most convincing design of fruit rock those galleries if you want fake art rock those galleries if you want yourself curated if you want yourself published maybe I want myself not published maybe that is of more value to me to try to convince people to go looking for themselves to encourage us to believe that the approval of a publisher does not matter to suggest that would be a dream for me and all I have to do is be willing to remain poor and lie on this couch typing for the rest of my life that is me that is how I remain who unpublishes a book why in the hell would I do that I think it is mainly because I could not stand someone else getting ninety percent when I only get ten I think that through and through that is the thing I have against it I never wanted to be a published writer I always wanted to become infamous there was a post it on my desk in high school it said fuck the pulitzer prize I want a banned book the scents of memory washer detergent lemon oil washboards keyboards old ones new ones electronic scent the smell of socks of panties of what they used to call linens every one in a special washing bag called a linen sack where you could put your dainties your unmentionables why are they unmentionable a tiny girl asks running for the door reaching is she tall enough to reach it barely she is the smell of cigarettes smells of pill casings yes just the casings smell of the futon chair downstairs I guess my questions are if you said get the fuck out of my house at the top of your spirit did you really think I was going to come back the next day and what if I did less laundry is doing less laundry a reason to scream your brother into the next century I guess those who pretend to be faultless really are riddled with holes or is it the neurotic mess to follow I do not know my friend I do not know these are the masks we play though I think that much is clear these are the commedia dell arte servant sometimes to two masters head of the household high class hopeless lovers all wearing masks I set that word up see the howto is written here through and through but once that curtain goes up the stage is real so real most of us never see through it but I am a being long existed before this farce and I guess that gives me some self respect I think halfway through this exercise satan drew his minions said ok let us give them jesu so they will have a reason to continue give them everlasting life satan said that is something they fear and easily enough to give this is happening this is happening this the very this is happening right here right now on this beach in prison town on this red rouge beach in santa claus lane this amtrak path through the rocks this cloudless sky flawless beach there are no flawless bodies here we are immediate with cuts and blemishes ropes tied round our hands terrible rashes growning up the lattice of our calves and this is it this is the final and wonderful vision ezekiel you sound like you were talking with aliens I mean that is all I can determine listening to you is chaos undermined dark clouds roll through and I am with paul leaning with one shoulder against the end of the world I am logging into an app as my bosses name this is another name other than mine that I log into each day sort of like having your name changed and using your real one to log in to health care a nurse once told me that it must be very dissociating to have  my name hijacked like that by me no less that every time I have to think of which name to use it must be quite dissociating and I was like I could not tell you author of terror why do you plant those seeds within my brain why do you put up with yourself this is another pretend game a rectangle within rectangle as jxm jihad xavier mcdonald who did it all right if your objective is to be the top hat keychain from monopoly or his surrogate kid cause jihad could never be that rich he could never join the class of the billionaires on a college degree with no relatives he set out to prove that he could do it and he could he became a small time millionaire to the tune of six golden coins which through investment he can probably push to ten I am sitting at a desk he bought in an office he rents with workers he hired and we all of us are typing in the initials jxm all day every day to remind us of who hired us who pays the rent and who bought the desks all half price at the local dicsount furniture store ray is so impressed every time we do this saying how smart is jihad xavier how he used to drive rocks from the landfill in his old toyota so chock full the car bowed to the ground he carried white carpet from the dumpsters behind tile stores to his supposed mansion those are the words ray used he said jihad takes white carpet scraps from tile store dumpsters how smart is that and patches the holes of his white carpet in his mansion and I saw it for myself jihad showed it off when I was down there wanting twin richness and poorness he wanted to identify with his poor roots while identifying with his rich roots his girlfriend and business I guess if you find it possible to move up in the scheme of things I will find it possible to move on down and there was no mansion it was just a house in the suburbs like every other house in the suburbs thinly protected from the wall there is now a cop looking through how many times teenage girls in china say cool he has a window he types it in the window flutters he rests his hand on a sphere two thirds submerged in the panel his desk is hard as he looks up their skirts and you can sometimes almost maybe there it is see their padded white cucci protectors barely almost never hemming the tide and the flow and the ownership of that word cool because for more than seventy years cool tells the near future of the world it has been correlated with if you watch it it follows that the future of cool is the future of our world he scrolls up blade runner angle into the girl cooch and clicks on it it makes her cum in future motion guarantees she will orgasm at the moment shown on the screen in future time when it occurrs her unstimulated pussy will rush with fluids her clit will sing and she will immediately search for spontaneous orgasms on her device blushing in the chinese k pop which the cop and his collaborators are canvassing in the cubicles the wait at the old house of uncles and fathers getting the cable vision delivered a big dark console that took vhs eight track cassette tapes of games and content and it all meant something to us about our childhood like our childhood was contained in those tapes and this was our childhood being carried out that door misdelivered and then that shit is on the truck and gone a big saw and you would walk up to it and cut your notch and guys who were done with that would walk up and intentionally cut their hands so they never had to work again but the problem is that they could never work again the transparent golden gilded train car I sit working in from the outside it looks like glass with silver training on the floor from the inside it it gilded gold every window maximized in area such that the verticle supports are less than an inch thick and gold reflects upon glass reflects upon gold and every handle I touch and every wheel I spin within in gold and the floor mats are tempered with gold sparkles and the machinery before me is all gold and the buttons on the machinery are every one of them made with gold these are the infinititudes of belial working themselves out together I will tell you a secret poor people of the west you devout people godly people the rich motherfuckers of the west do not believe in your god they never have as a writer as an artist I am told to be one of those who can move freely among the classes of society and I have little but some use for money but I can tell you that your seniors your bosses the owners of your companies they have no fear nor love for god and these would never be caught dead in a church if there were no cameras there I am gold sitting on gold I have no idea how I got this way except I do it is sneaking from the insides the reason is everything I thought and did it galvanied shit to gold everything even the bad things there are no bad things I am spinning in infinity I am the boy in the bubble for me it is my train therefore spinning in gold the wheels gold the track gold the plating on the outside of the car gold everything I touch turns to gold and dies away but oh the shine oh that sparkle oh the richness that has surrounded me and this richness is not spendable like money but it is observable like look at that train car he is sitting in look at the richess he has amassed without owning he can get up and walk out of that train car at any moment and it will still be mine because everyone will know it is mine but it was never mine because I could never give it away or sell it I could never exchange never trade never future or option it that gold was mine in the truest sense in the sense of a secret I never told anyone that came true or did not come true it did not matter those were the apprehensions of gold of trials of apprehensions their motherfucking selves their clock was the meter of chronos it had the ultimate brand name preceeding it before the name of it even this was the solid gold record of michael jackson before the child abuse accusations this is michael jackson with the child abuse revelations this is michael jackson before he was given hormones to delay puberty that could have fucked him up I guess that could have made him feel he was always a kid plusses and minuses how is that on the child abuse front how is that as a daily injection in your butt of child juice sing this song so loudly yet so softly and so highly you are a performing god you age none you scold me none you are like an adult to me none grabbing my penis under the covers this is michael jackson this is the legacy you left us with this is the legacy you have torn and my cousin what is my little cousin going to think she is twenty now she needs not help from you or I to determine her path in life and I hope I am never made aware of it so I can think at least to myself that my cousin went to broadway and to new york and that she became a glory to our stage instead of an oil scientist that is such a rookie mistake I just hope one or two or three people from our family escaped it this is my letter to all of you to every single on of you it says dear family please change your ways before you die and kill everyone you know upon this planet it says the issues were real we had fun as kids and then some of you started fucking up you moved us from city to city to no city to no city introducing irregularities and the irony of course in all this nigger pussy bullshit is that it made me me this me sitting here in the gold train car riches beyond what any of you can conceive is that this is what it made me not this is what you made me but this is what the conflict made me separate from you independent from you you as a history in my books red and golden letters on a book much like the bible oversized pages the stock of a calf the hide of a buffalo stitching from an ostritch and the golden bees asking permission of me to land on my left page land on my right page and I grant permission to them all busting out their landing pattern on my daily book which somewhere in there someone of you all translated holy book and there has been confusion ever since the voice of jxm in my head a tone panting the beat of a drum explaining how he is right with capitalism and how everything I do is worthless just because it happens not to make money writing no money lovemaking no money he probably felt just fine firing me because I registered other than a republican like my dad always concerned for where the next dollar comes from from how I will support myself I thought they had some grand plan for my life I thought they felt my terror at the horror of college students I felt like I was of a different ilk like I was alien and there was no way for me to use my skills in class that I became sure the skills I had seen before were just phantoms just mystreal objects just oases in the desert every one a mirage every one an illusion I have awards peeking from underneath my lid I just have to maintain the illusion of sanity no all I have to do is act without ego make myself likable oh wait I already am all I have to do is nothing just let it happen I just have to correct straight quotes to curly quotes half my life and the other half act right enought that I live long enough to see the ripples do you think that would be enough or because I told the truth something highly optional for people of his kind and the kind of my dad they got into business to farm their egos he and my dad they never expected to be worked for they expect to be worshipped a man like that wakes up in that haze of remembering being loved but what you remember is not what love is what you remember love being is not what it started out as what you remember love being is not how it ended up it is a conflagration of wonders and wonderful and wonderings a weapon of goodness coming at you maybe it means I cannot be around you anymore even though I love you maybe it means I love you but have to move maybe it means I have to dissappear maybe it means that to give everything I have to give I have to have gone a little bit crazy in your eyes maybe in my own too but what is life but sanity and craziness each one adaptive to its own parent class elementary to the game peeking in the windows of a golden train car posing for beauty itself that thing of pure beauty polished into pure ecstasy I dreamt I was diving into a bell and my disability came of interest I was trying without success to hide my interest of the college clan of my girlfriend awkward I stand apart though just as my disability shows they said matthew what are you doing to us editorializing we hate it when you do that hate it but you love me for it too it just depends on where my stick is pointed when I editorialized your army you were ever too happy when I did it to you you were confused and angry like a two year old child shitting out her excrement into her food bowl when you speak to her she cries screams rails against the court and when she comes around wanting her pants cleaned you shove her face into the throne make her clean it with her hands that is what the editor does he stands some distance away from the rest to have the slightest point of view from which to observe it is kind of like having a full court press right in the middle of your business do you think you would like that in a republican business they never seemed to like it where I came from having an accurate somewhat objective point of view it is like death it shows up what stinks about this situation even scientific data is too objective for republicans even data on cyclomatic complexity is politicized this is in a tech business technology code zeros and ones and data is politicized it is given the treatment of the clothes of the emperor new clothes to be certain hung up next to the naked king this data is marginalized minimized infintesimalized particalized singularized and finally zero ized such that it will hardly take up room in your carryon but the weight is unfortunately still the same that burden of guilt you carry make it nothing that burden of pilgrim progress carried by jesuits up the water spout I would think that getting ready to go in the morning would have worn you out by now but your reality pinching muscles the ones in your head they must be schwarzenneger by now they must be the wrestler with a heart bypass and still jumping off the top ropes woo you are carrying an atomic bomb just underneath the skin my ex ceo crouching in his basement searching for the number of millionaires in the world to find himself company to be able to compare and doing iq type calculations based off of the numbers and percentages figuring he could find twenty millionaires in his neighborhood a surprisingly large number can the feat be so common then halving that for the number of female millionaires within location he could cheat on his wife with then cutting that to five to three given the number of female millionaires would be smaller than the number of males and forgetting his wife that left two or maybe three millionaires of the female persuasion within striking distance when you have morals that stand you up like a fence you better not ever let yourself question those things when you have morals that stand you up like a fence you better not ever let them come loose a father hearing this editorial critique of fatherhood and arriving at the conclusion that all is well he hath done all that is necessary had tried to work it out with his wife not really had gone to therapy well one half of one session was that all it should have been enough to fall back in love with his wife but she had gotten mean just like my son just like my star employee it could have been that we the glut of us provided vital information you needed to survive but you curled up with your now millionaire wife shut the shades and that was the last we heard from you jihad x m I see you got a new name that matches your personality and you say you would never remotely be a part of anything like that and I say dude you already are what is that tank doing in your living room a suburban house and a pool table that is all I have to look for is that the dream you are living for xavier jihad is that the path you are corrupting me along is that the kernel that lies at the source of your religion but make no mistake jihad your business finds its source the basis of your name it was always right there on your forehead stamped jxm living like a terrorist in southern florida with the racism and the sexism all burrowing around your head the classism and the cisism so well placed so well buried that I hardly think you know of their presence I hardly think you read their news a doctor whose news is always good whose diagnosis is always clean about bipolar disorder how it cannot even be called an illness how it is all for superhuman benefit about we who are imperfect about we who try and fail and ten years later our big brothers are watching us fail our extended family is watching us fail we have resorted to talking about us and our family when the two always should have been the same and then the last time when he tells me the abashed truth it was mega like a pony his unabashed truth is that most of the medicine I have been taking will still be necessary but this is a physical illness other than a mental one I fail to see the difference but comprehend I make it all worthwhile in my neck trap underwater seeing apparatus this is my gift to you do not holy it up get it out on the dirt roads and get it muddy get it wet at the ocean feel my conscious strain reaching out to you and I feel yours reaching out to me where I sit on a similar beach only mine is two feet wide an speckled with mosquitos we have here death dogs of biting and a building manager who gets off on annoying us but I feel you my sister I feel you reading me and I am so glad you love it I imagine jxm likes steve carrell and all the dumb comedy he makes those two are perfect for each other and even have the same nose but the day the comedy died is the day jxm flips off the switch on his tv and steve carrel goes back behind the video icon for hulu or netflix and the nose is still here but this time the nose belongs to jihad xavier mcdonald and its edge is oily nostrils visibly hairy even this latest wife of jihad xavier cannot ensure he cleans his nose that is where the comedy ends this book all takes place throughout a day the seminal bright day at the beach you have been with us about half a day but with over and under threads of time and these from before and after it ends not with the night that comes later but the dusk ride home from the beach to our apartment in valley village the beverly hills of the san fernando valley now at disney and we came here on a youth group trip and mike is with my mom and they are all gung ho and I do the disney rides and they’re not scary this time the thing with the rope that pulls you waaay up in the air and then slows toward the top and then you’re waiting for what seems like an eternity and then they drop you that one did not scare me one bit it was like I was in control of my gravity by squeezing the ropes in just the right way and when I fell it was like I was in slow motion swing to the ground like I was god and disney was man and that was who we were to each other that was our relationship and then by the end of the day I was playing with the pillow pets who were beautiful women skating on pillows they each wore slight derivation of color in non uniform looking uniforms browns and tans and each one knelt atop a pillow with one leg taking their weight and the other leg extended backward and that was the leg they pushed with the pillows had wheels underneath that you could not see but this is how we got around on the long stretches of hallway inside the park where walking would take you half an hour but on the pillows ten minutes max so I skipped past one then two then three of them then past their entire line and they counted off my progess one two three and they noted I was the fastest of them all then bouncing off the elevator I found myself at the bottom of a well and this first siren said to me come let me sit on your lap and let me rub our genitals together and let us kiss and I shied away due to my breath but she leaned in a kissed me good and then we were encircled by sirens two through five in the elevator at the bottom of the well and I realized it was a scam a pay thing these were the disney equivalent of hookers and if I kept kissing hooker number one there would be bills to pay so I encumbered myself from all of them and walked the long way through the hallways and it was getting so dark that I thought the bus might leave and I pulled out my watch but the menus were gone disney had hacked my signal and put a bunch of advertisements there I walked and walked and found some japanese girls in the parking lot I schluffed off the girls and went looking for the bus and then my watch had fallen into a thousand pieces but the screen continued to work and I tried to push it back together so I could read it but it was still the disney ads when I found the bus mike said we are going to new orleans I said we are not he said try me he and my mom had had so much fun in disney they decided to go to the casino in new orleans and I told them I had only brought my cheap phone and my bad wallet because they had said we were only going to disney for one day and I would have no money and they said the bus is leaving and I said here I stay I will camp in the parking lot of disney if I have to but I am not getting on that bus the beach is going by I said the beach is going by jim xanthum mcdonald sees himself as unconnected to anything artistic it is as if in his mind he sees himself as is unaffected by every design color everything aesthetic even his souvenirs from far off places reflect this aesthetic artless sculptures about five in total a weird box he found that he likes it is engraved but that is the only thing interesting about it there is no art on his walls except the kind you find in the ronald mcdonald house soulless abstracts designed above all not to offend this is the antithesis of art but he is as affected by it as anyone not even realizing it how his spending time in his house is affected by the design the architecture molds him forces his actions but he rejects its advice putting his pool table for example not in the living room but in an attic area that is only reachable by ladder the rest of the room is filled with plush animals and an abacus is it a playroom for the five and under crowd or a playroom for the eighteen and over crowd they do not know this was my first ceo this is why I troubled over working for him he had no sense of life no general sense at all and he spoke of mit grads as being totally unhirable this was why he hired me etcetera but I found his rhetoric hollow as he was just the same jim xavier mcdonald struggles all his life that signature lie on the floor belieing his pain that needs a surgery back surgery that even he cannot afford not even with all the silver bars in his basement geez if the guy was serious about his own security he could take care not to tell so many people he has silver in his basement everyone at the company knew his chief deputy butt picker ray knew nurturing a hundred gallon saltwater fish tank in his office that is how rarely jim came to visit him the chief butt picker played mmorpgs all day and nurtured his hundred gallon fish tank he even had a mantis shrimp which my coworkers told me with gusto how fast its mandible ejected from underneath its shell and how fast therefore it could kill this is a software company with ridiculous code spaghetti code and everyone is a fool having kids all passing on the stupidity to our next generation that is one thing I have decided to do to never have children my sister and I decided the same thing not to have kids and I wonder what it is in a childlike upbringing that makes two kids out of three decide never to have children what do you think that is anyway jim had one kid his number one son who one time jim told me he taught his kid checkers and I was like does he play chess and jim was like he just turned four and I thought about it later and it was a dig at jim through his kid about his intelligence I never learned to play chess and my mind is no good for it either but as I think back about it that was a low blow from me to jim xavier and I regret saying it but I did sort rocks into an infinte number of piles one afternoon with the kid and I guess that makes up for what I said about chess but closer to the end of his life the kid told jim take medicare get the surgery get the relief but jim chose to miss key portions of high school graduation college graduation the wedding just to protest the system taught to jim by ayn rand which she never even followed in her own life it is the lack by his son of picking up the so called conservative message that disappointed jim the most why would his son ever suggest jim take medicare jim never thought his back problem was that bad he never thought that missing those key moments in the life of his only child would affect his child that much see my old ceo sang a song of gold but there was never any for anyone else only existed in bars in his basement tucked away for jim to share with his son at three at five at seven the two of them leaning over the gleaming box this is the legacy of jihad xavier mcdonald this is what he will look down on someday when he recounts his life camera one camera two one or two one or two the doctrine of an ophthalmologist my ex ceo jxm hates putting things in email for obvious reasons you should never say anything as part of your business that can be recorded especially things that are true now he hates saying things over the phone because cell phones have such easily recordable software systems jxm requires of himself that he must lie as part of his business so he cannot afford to be able to be recorded or pinned down what is this deception when your life depends on never writing anything down never saying anything that might be used against you only saying in whispers with your most trusted slaves what they must do next how they must behave when their next paycheck will come what the bonus will be if they could put money into untraceable forms they would it is a world of the big coming from the little then the big holding the little down eating them absorbing them and everyone is too afraid to say anything everyone just gets their piece of the pie which seems so big when you get to buy that nintendo we are living happy now when you get raped at the grocery store while the grocery store owner sits happy on a hill with gobs of money in the bank not spending a dime his is the doctrine of make large live little my doctrine is die broke spend everything tip large or let me not catch you out to dinner and give it all away that is true economy not the stagnant rich points of wealth and worth and all the things people decide to call the number on their bank account I will tell you something now I am coming for all of you every stinking one of you I will rip the rug from underneath your feet like the devil wipes his nose that I was cast in a movie like open water about sharks opposite a short blonde girl and I try to muster the energy she has every day the exercise regimen of the director astounds me we drive one hour in the morning to set which is a giant lake containing real sharks and I can hear the news coverage in my head saying this shark by himself has sport hunted over twelve people and sometimes shooting we will get a foot lodged inside his mouth held by backwards teeth and will have to extricate it carefully once I got my whole both legs stuck in and pulling myself out of that one was a delicate matter indeed we had script reading in the morning then exercises in the gym then underwater practice then semi underwater building exercises where we climbed around inside a building submerged halfway underwater and this part was the hardest for me my costar did it so easily she slid from under the water to over the water to climbing the walls to climbing the pipes to hanging onto the ceiling and I struggled to do it all the director had us do this every day I think because I was slow and she hoped by the end of the shoot I would have the momentum to follow little blondie and make it appear that we were in much better shape than the sharks who followed us then there was a camera with a new menu letting me post to my blog automatically but that hardly sums it up it was a whole new system the interface was optimized for mobile and you could operate it with one finger but the thing that sticks with me about that memory is we had this fight song it went this is my fight song take back my life song prove me right song and I was like to one of these sharks you know you have zero respect for those who are helping you and that settled him down he was always a step behind from that point on and the director said can you sing louder and I tried this is my fight song take back my life song and she was like you have a quiet voice and I tried to sing even louder but it was always too quiet and that was the end of the dream one time me and my ex girlfriend went up to the mcdonald crew of three owners being led around to observe the future construction of their new lobby excitement and we suggest they add recycling for plastic forks and they humor us ha ha ok we will get right on that they did not care for recycling from adam here we are two of their most regular patrons and they will not even listen to us for one second they are so busy taking time off from their other jobs to drive an hour up here and approve from a preset menu of choices basically glossing over any real decision making it must be nice to be an owner more of that crinkly green that is really worth nothing just the ability to say fuck you if you happen to be lucky enough to be born with it or play a lucky roll of the dice in the slot and option casino all the while I am a programmer seeing the whole world in terms of programmatic streams in place of human births the passing from one to another through a certain place in real life somehow contained in the code behind all of life there is a difference between what you can do and whether people like you there is a difference between whether you can get the job done and whether anyone wants you to lunch with them there are all these images moving animated images design documents without any words schematics for abstract machines I can make in c that will classify objects into categories make analogies are the key of cognition I write people who should be far above me and find out they are not they write back with interest and add to my fire we are all like academics each seated in our own office cubicle balcony railing beach doing ever more specialized work that may not be integrated until after we die and all the while I am typing furiously with six fingers I could give the other four to charity everyone with their own coding standard and accent and dialect and all the while I am making love to c make jxm the ceo of my current company paint him as horribly deficient as a human being why because I have sat with him in his house and tasted from his narrow universe I have spoke with him and know how limited his domain is just because he does not explore he does not try new things he goes around the world and stands as flat as the polaroids he would be taking and that is it he was there he stood before the taj mahal and the taj mahal faced him back and they snapped the picture but nothing deeper happened nothing except the shape of the building nothing of the history or the oppression or the cast of the next movie he will watch in delhi an age old copy of indiana jones which he likes for the pictures in all their ease of consumption jxm is the kind of guy who never cared to explore the general ideas presented in his classes outside of his classes and here I find reasons not to relate because he is a dolt he is pedestrian he never got off the sidewalk and this more than anything is why I cannot stand the depthlessness of jihad xavier martinez code and lenses form the sand of time and consequence someone explained it to me thus something about quantum universes blah blah blah and poof you get you and I sitting here talking to each other right maureen maureen says I think so I think I get it can you pass the jamesons and I pass her the jameson mike has gone out to wade in the water maureen and I have a minute together and it was like that time at that one party when she found me on the balcony and we stared into the darkness waves and she confronted me about rebecca about how I was doing and I told her I was holding on and she hugged me and said that summed it up for her maureen was there in the hospital in our early twenties when rebecca was dying and I held onto her dear life and whispered to her in the ears of her coma and wished she could hear me talking from inside that brain or maybe it really had been erased by the emergency room procedures as the doctors told me I never knew I never know how consciousness is connected to the world beyond what we know and I am always looking over my shoulder for the police to come to get me to lock me up for doing drugs with my girlfriend it was her it was she she was the one who wanted to but it matters not now she I hope is somewhere else if I ever even knew what she was or who or how she was that someone that one I will remember for evah in the shallow depths of my mind people are attracted to me at first then repelled by me I cannot help it when people violate my precepts I do not understand why it happens is it me or them I know I caught crazy when young and crazy turns people off eventually because you cannot sleep with crazy next to you in bed and those childhood fantasies of fucking rebecca return I have to let it go c takes a step on the beach she blends with code and I can feel the instructions beneath her skin making her walk her walk making them execute the movement and the code walking as one each one a different point from which to view her walk they are both the walk equally so each seen from a different vantage point and I say maureen do you remember those times way back then and she says yes and I say maureen do you remember the way she was and she says yes matthew I do and she says matthew do you understand that I am she is your next girlfriend is that girl over there and I say yes I do understand that and she says do you find that makes it any easier and I say no not really and she gets a squabble in her eye and wipes it away against her stomach held bare by bikini patterns black bra black panties but maureen never attracted me well back then I could tell there was something special about her but it was never exactly sexual it was more big sister ish little brother ish something she had I was looking to gain maybe it was just a pretty face but there was her attraction to her schizophrenic cousin as a documentarian she wanted to do something great and she could spot greatness I hope she has become a director by the time of my finishing this book I hope for her as she walks a little way down the beach and I see her pudgy butt and her pudgy stomach which she was so self conscious about lenses are the most important element in making a film look good the lighting the camera this is the most importans thing in making a picture the light the lenses are always focused to a certain length they let you bring whatever is at that length into clarity and to see the code underlying everything is to see the world through a certain focal distance a certain spectre a certain mechanical set designed to bring clarity to a certain distance and range of light I will call rat bastard jihad xavier mcdonald since there are no abbreviations I found out zochae had gone into a corporate witness protection plan that could withstand facial recognition and biometrics but he was there the whole time when he came back he and martha showed a slideshow of zochae sleeping beside the road pretending to be a bicycle racer as they smuggled him out that first week after he said he had died from cancer zochae had been there the whole time and I never even saw him I watched in fascination wondering and hoping that rebecca would be next but she never came if she was in witness protection she would now be forty years old living in minnesota having kids with someone else I would be jealous and evil in my pursuit of her wanting beyond want to see a picture of her face my cousin says on the quantum level there are no consequences so time could move forward and backward I know my landlord is like kevin spacey in glengarry glen ross she opened her mouth without knowing what the shot was I was writing this down on a large screen twelve words wide and my font came through to me like a shot in my cousin world the quantum world there would be no consequences but it has not become clear how to move that effect up to this scale we are still in the quantum world here the keller view of security iq equal to that of einstein keller said that quote security is mostly a superstition it does not exist in nature nor do the children of men as a whole experience it avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure life is either a daring adventure or nothing endquote that is what hellen keller thought of security and she was as smart as einstein they had the same iq and that iq is twenty points higher than mine those were real smart people and they applied themselves they worked with every energy available to them to do something extraordinary do not tell me the real story is annie sullivan I you cannot separate the stories of helen keller and annie sullivan can you no you cannot separate helen keller from her intelligence quotient can you the only question is did keller start out with that iq or was it her struggle to learn to see and hear that made her into that strong of a mind would keller basically have been stuck in her head forever or did she develop her smarts from being in her head for so long as a surival mechanism I will have to tell this story to my landlord and see if it makes a dent in her ignorance see if it beats her in the head hard enough that it engenders intelligence in her she knows the story of helen keller from school but has never learned anything from it that applies to her life that is my landlord not knowing the shot and I say you want to learn the first rule you would know if you ever spent a day in your life you never open your mouth until you know what the shot is fuck you williamson you are a shithead you mumbling motherfucker and you rule the world by sucking your boss dick letting him fuck you in the apartment by gaining his sympathy since your husband died and you have cancer in your face did you ever think you might not be able to properly smell the catbox with cancer in your nose our visitors never say hi to you when they see you walking your dog because your dog is feral it lives in a dark room twenty three hours out of the day and when you let it out of course he feels the urge to kill kill kill everyone who walks by now your dog is an adult and his behavior is set for life and if I never call the animal protection agency to have him put down he will terrorize me and my roommate for life there are aliens watching us on the beach from the moon waving tides from their spaceship the moon they like us at a distance and us without our nuclear weapons they look at us like an ant farm they have set up here time and time again and so the biblical stories of destruction are true they let us go until what point and then flood us out the deep deep agencies know this and they moved us to space long ago repainted the moon with a digital image you can see the refresh rate as it goes by day by day reminding us to question our world the future of the human race is not so much as couched by the current illusions of the news but more the future you would see if you could see past those illusions bigfoot is real it has cholrophyll in its veins it spans dimensional wormholes that are right here on the planet billions of them allows the furry beast to walk down into the earth like a stairway people in indonesia bitten by dogs and beasts from another dimension as they walk in the woods these stories are common all over the planet even in our first world here you just never hear about it becuase the agencies own the coroners they have good intentions but you know what is said about those more important to act with principle than good intentions but you cannot act with principles when you feel your hide threatened by the fire when you feel the floor beneath your feet shifting way too fast when that happens the reflex is to hold onto the nearest board and push anyone else off into titanic seas and always always you go with your reflex and as I look to the sky with that alien base I know that the worst years of my life were my first few years at work not even the year when I sank so low as to attempt suicide were as bad as the years of my first job I felt more myself in a mental hospital than working software at the beginning of my career I felt more myself when I was homeless than I did during those first few years working a salary performing meaningless tasks for assholes who graduated from the massachusetts institute of technology I was so alone driving to and from work every day because I thought I had to I listened to elton john sing mona lisas and mad hatters on repeat that is the song which most reflected my mood and I dreamed of having the littlest bit of personal freedom but there was no way to get it I drove to virginia to present to one of the agencies but my stuff was sub par I drove all night on a sunday with my girlfriend hung out in dc watched a movie in a theater played the entire game of primal fear the revenge on a console in the mall presented the next morning and drove back all the next day so I could return to my job trying to make do as a capitalist with a manager and boss who assured me this was the winner way to be the best people in the world were capitalists and had I ever read ayn rand these fuckers had copies of atlas shrugged on their desktops they stayed at their desks while their wives were in the hospital in labor standing up on the phone at eight at night but not on the phone with their wives with lubrisolve our next client you know what as I look back on those early work years that experience of ray missing his wife in childbirth was a traumatic experience for me I think he took it too far and he had every encouragement to do so from jim jihad xavier mclauglin jim may have said ray go go to the hospital and go to your wife but the bonus situation suggested otherwise the compensation structure encouraged us to give our prime and most energetic hours to the company store the company properties to code that is now long dead and not running they key portions rewritten by engineers who have no idea who ray is or that he missed the birth of his child to create it picture ray krummholz standing knee deep in paper one old style computer monitor at his desk sweating coding with one hand with the ceo of lubrisolve on the phone in the other this is a corded phone this is back in the day of anthony robbins and right before the dot com boom I could have told you way back then that a housing boom would follow then a bust you know how this is how my dad was in the real estate business and he spoke about such things about slum landlords and people flipping houses and I said how is a house an investment is it not a place to live and I know you will count me naive because everyone always does but then I say to you what caused the housing boom and bust it was those of us filled with greed and that was all it is just greed who bought low and expected to sell high every time with houses a crew of house flippers bought a house down the street from our apartment and now is time to sell you know what happens nothing it sits with the for sale sign on it and sits and sits and sits and I wonder where those house flippers are now on the couch in their childood home living in the basement where has the party on the porch gone where you all drink champagne and scuzzy up the neighborhood with your screams you lost your money and the house sits empty that is what happens when you treat a house like an investment and not a place to live and in the next mass shooting the shooter looks into your eyes and says god have mercy on your soul may his love shine through you and he pulls the trigger bleep bleep bleep crush cruuush cruuuuuush crash crash heed heed swallow horse and stop in the sand I am right here in this moment not thinking in my head I have come here to commune with friends not spend all day thinking of this thing and that I have come here to have my testicle viewed by my best friend if you can even have a besty at this age I guess you can there were all those friends before who broke away and moved to new orleans cause they thought their souls fit better there I investigate my sister who lives in portland the other one who lives in austin that is where they thought their souls fit best but all those friends of past days are facebook now and I motherfucking hate facebook now I have landed in the sand thrown off my steed skidded into stillness here by a solid hoof now a woman in a red bikini stands unknowing of my glance she is right in front of me standing and reading a last page of her book before she puts it down turns and runs into the sea there are not many children here just the twenty something crowd wherever we go it seems everyone is our age my actions were unpopular and those were my best actions ever to be unfriendly to be unforgiving those were my best moments in societial rage dreams of picking out the backpack that was the right color red dreams of presenting a new shared notepad application for our users developing killer features like a stock market predictor and an account credentials guesser I was still waiting for my third killer feature to come when I woke up came to on this here beach came to in this here life literally woke up into it into protests in minneapolis and the world people in syria protesting our human rights record still I have to say if you play with matches you get burned our police departments deserve every bit of this massive economic damage incurred by everyone from gi joe to damned if I know in face I fail to see this as a protest I see it more as a war a civil war fought to combat blatant racism you had to know it would happen eventually in this country and I hate to tell you who wins that would be us not them finally good people refuse to stand by and do nothing and all that jxm would say is how irresponsible what economic damage and I would say in return not one more life should be taken by racists we need to rotate people through the position of police officer they should never be allowed to do that job for a living a lifetime of racism compounded by white police patrolling black neighborhoods what is the problem not enough black people want to police their own neightborhoods I wonder why but I see this window action as another necessary chapter I will never participate except by watching because because because because of the wonderful things he does that wizard of oz would certainly have precluded this with the swipe of a hand a wonderful horse of a different color maybe there is that watts mckenna thing about schizophrenic people in ancient societies and modern ones how in ancient societies when they found out you were schizophrenic you were pulled aside and told you were special and raised up to be a shaman a seer something science does not allow and in those societies your visions were used to lead society but in modern times when you are found to be schizo you are told you are sick and wrong and crazy and pulled aside and put in mental institutions forced to take medicine to make you more normal how does that societal view affect the individual view not too much except to make you feel you are wrong and bad and crazy we are not violent more like the victims of violence we have usual skills sometimes superior to your own so you are normal which means you feel threatened by difference at odds with that you do not understand and supported by society as such that means your ignorance is backed up by your family and your street and when you turn us away you are turning away one of the greatest powers in the entire universe you are turning away a different kind of intelligence faster and unhinged able to see what you cannot able to predict the future able to care for babies able to write books able to summon wisdoms beyond ourselves and you do not see a spiritual use for mushrooms all you do is shroom around on the surface of the trip experience whereas someone like me sees mushrooms as absolutely spiritual I have only done them eight times in my life certainly less than travelers born in the cro magnon days but I have brought back from my very first trip more knowledge than I can carefully distribute among yourselves science is something you can blow out your ass if you ask me it is not much better than religion as a guidepost there is something missing maybe it is a basic morality among people which science itself has never guaranteed science brought us the bomb did we know how to use it no we should never have used it and that is morality provided to you by a monkey suicide suicide this book is about suicide about beautiful creatures destroying themselves with bombs or laws or dough we choked ourselves on instead of making bread here is a trick for you the popular action is never right ibsen henrik do not ever follow the school for the school is always wrong and so a democracy among humans always makes the wrong decisions dropping the bomb bailing out the banks you say they were too big to fail well that sounds less like capitalism than you ever sounded before let the fuckers fail otherwise capitalism has no learning zero ability to improve about girls dropping their curling irons into the sink they step into the tub put a foot down to capture the lightning I wrote this book like this to keep the haters away if you were predisposed to hate the meaning here then hopefully my odd syntax arrests you at the door how can I talk of suicide among non listeners you have to have faith that people can be so much more that this is not our final haughty destination you have to love words and symbols and knowledge and be willing to dive in on the deep end of the pool to read the ingredients on a pack of bread to demand they put more and different information on there capitalism is the economy of drilling mining everything a system says about itself is just an advertisement it is made to convince you to follow it paris hilton is just an advertisement do you know how rare are folks like her how rare but how of blonde hair she convinces us of capital greatness how easily she makes the medicine go down when all the while exxon is guzzling oil into the ocean did you know that before motorized ships swam in the oceans that whales could communicate halfway around the world with their squeaks and squacks but now not so much why was that ever allowed to happen the whales were here first therefore they are the substrate upon which we operate it goes against logic to destroy primary creatures ability to talk with each other what did they say back then I hope they will be able to talk again they might have been discussing something important I mean it might have been more important than anything you or I have ever said seek first to understand then secondly to be understood stephen covey said that what if we had done that with the whales jihad xavier mcdonald said what that we remember I guess nothing other than oh sugar nuts as a way to avoid saying oh shit at work what an invention was that one oh what a stellar piece of standing logic og wait there was this pain now is better than pain later if only your kind had listened more closely to the logic there because now is later and the pain is great my burning friends and buildings you had to push it so much farther than any reasonable person would do you had to let those rednecks push it to the edge and now that familiar form of intimacy as when someone removes their panties or bra when someone who was talking to you removes their mask and you see their lips and chin for the first time that shock of nakedness equal to that of the diaper cloth removed from between the legs of a woman breathing for the first time skin brushed with fingers now that intimacy when someone whose face was covered uncovers it for the first time oh maureen woman how is it that we ended up sitting on this same beach on this same day with a hand of yours dappling your side how is it that I have a hand here too turning pages of my beach book the astral sphere somewhat apparent to us even though our ignorance should have hidden it we are just smart enough to believe the illusion do you remember that day in room fourteen oh two where rebecca lied remember the trip up to that level remember that parking lot forever remember the girl who did drugs went into a coma and died her parents pulled the plug and with what we know today rebecca might have been saved she was still there somewhere even if she would not talk to me I have memories of standing over the side of her stretcher in the emergency room and her universe surrounds me she wakes up for a second in terror and screams something at me the spottiness of memory saves me from remembering it but it sounded like a slap like she said why did you do this to me you know I know matthew it must have been hard to be there with her in that state she was in and out before they shocked the hell out of her erasing her brain activity I suppose the electricity did it to her no maureen says I mean the state that you were in oh high on ecstasy yeah yeah that was no problem I said I woke up to a sane level when she started seizing maureen holds my hand mike sees it from his perch amid a wave and starts back for us maureen retrieves her hand and I get in a few words before mike returns before I called emergency she was saying things to me she went into my bathroom and threw up she made herself do that yeah she comes out completely naked and I had her lie on the floor to calm down we drank plenty of water that was what she was throwing up and she was lying in my living room and she wanted me to pray with her and what did she pray she prayed that her body give her up she wanted to leave this plane she hated it here wanted to get out wherever she is now she probably thinks this is all silly that I sit down here reflecting over her for a lifetime all my friends think I went crazy harping on this shit get over it only my therapist tells me I can mourn as long as I want and it has been years you know now I find myself in southern california I find myself talking to you having run into you after all these years I mean rebecca was a long time ago I know that was ages ago and here we are still talking about her or not really her we are talking about it about the events around her death before and after meeting her parents at the hospital and I must sound like a broken record but this is me being stuck there no you sound fine maureen says and mike kneels beside her what are we talking about here nothing maureen says and punches mike in the stomach to which he pretends to fall over to which she pretends to help him get up they are perfect for each other these two beach clowns faux fighting no really says mike and maureen says none of your business bozo never worry your little head about it and mike says what were you guys talking about and maureen says his dead girlfriend ok and my dead friend so just sit there in your stinky verbal arrangement and poop some more michael smell it up some more you faggot faggot is what michael called people so take your stinky faggot lips and your stinky faggot butt crack and sit the fuck down on your gay ass towel matthew have you seen this towel that michael considers appropriate for a guy look at this I laugh yeah yeah I have seen that one a few times what makes my towel gay michael says then he stands unfolds it and it rumples down to reveal a giant minnie mouse cartoon with a spotted bow in her hair she hardly even looks female past her brilliant commercialism she is designed to appeal to the currently jizzed out on disney ads the shopper at a disney store which is where mike got his or the browser of commercials online waiting to see the next click click click your brain is caught in a brain trap at the end is just you your credit card a signature strip and a giant pen you simplify it all to auto pay and then to auto purchase when the app thinks you need more what toilet paper hand towels does anyone ever think of where all this shit goes when you and I are finished wiping our butts with it you can never be so sure of your values when comparing to an alien or spiritual culture they might not mourn death for example maybe not at all they may not think homosex is wrong or they may like to have sex across the generations that is to say with kids our near past relatives did this ultimate of taboos built into their culture as a norm as an essence of their schooling process did those greeks have nightmarish memories of sex with teachers what if we had to let all the pedophiles out of jail what if we had to go up and down the street apologizing to them saying hi my name is matthew this is my first day in the neighborhood I came here to apologize to you for marginalizing you for loving children you count the day or rape even aliens seem to love it our mentality is too small for them to consider fucking us to be a crime innit great to fuck a human male on my spaceship I put up a screen to make him thinks that me a gorgeous porno blonde but he knows he can see my reptile arms beyond the screen and sometimes in the dark he screams out that he can see my scales screams out that he can see my tail but this alien pussy is so hungry so thirsty it needs the poke of a human prick touch me just right like that hold still I am cumming I am cumming all over you then I erase your mind and send you on your way back down on earth sounds like ruffies cept no trace is left behind can you tell when someone has had their mind erased how many times have I down here been reset and pulled back like one of those matchbox cars zoom zoom zoom the belial connection I am worthless guilty tried on the stone ripped through the heart am I mourning though or am I feeling guilt do I miss rebecca or do I feel sad I killed her do I continue to state it like that even though there was no intention to kill I will say this though her parents did a good thing for me by not saying manslaughter I would have been in jail till I was thirty and out here I have been doing time all the same it just got to rip into the lives of everyone I knew or worked for or pretended to date they got to see the guilty me the me who killed his girlfriend with a tablet except I did not mean to and except the tablet did not kill her I have been in denial of that all this time blacklisted by my former family plunged into darkness where sampling any and all drugs was ok by me allowable acceptable understandable and surrounded me by so called family members who judged and critiqued and hated me for the same reasons that perfect strangers did who said I was not part of their family used that word their family to me as though I was someone else but part of their family my aunt said that but everyone else was thinking it even I used the term your family once with my mom and she screamed but why fight it we were all right I was never part of that family I was brighter and lovelier and more brilliant than everyone combined that is the case and so I must have gone away in my twenties in my teens I knew it but I had not the overview to know that it was ok for me to stand apart had not the overview to know that it was ok for me to find objection to take issue with every little way that they did every little thing with their infidelities their inconsistencies their atonalities they worked me up like a hive agitated reddened and mad as hornets if you said a word to me I flared up on hiroshima busted your bubble for a beat down train track my personality is ready to kill for an eyelash whispering softly down the neck of a baby cougar walking chained to the wrist of a twelve year old ringmaster who holds the keys to the whole thing this entire place is held in the hands of a switching station every number is a different world they are not close to each other in outcome in dynamics they are only close to each other on the keychain their doors are as far apart as can be one leads to this uni where britney spears is the princess of pop but there is no other universe where there is a britney spears at all she is not a janitor in the one next door keyclick chonk keyclick chonk maureen I had this dream last night I was sorting clothes at work and I had bought new pants but all my clothes were intermixed with clothes from my coworker and I kept throwing them out cause I was embarrassed in front of my boss to have so many clothes and some of his shirts were mauve and his jeans were stonewashed or pre distressed and by the time I sorted out all his clothes all I had was a box about yay high that I could carry out of the office are you thinking about quitting maureen says all the time I say every single day of my life including saturday and sunday do I think about quitting that place I have been placed in such a situation people keep quitting and this is because of my coworker I have seen him corner a sysadmin in the server room and ream him out and the next day or the next hour or the next week the sysadmin quits and somehow it never gets back to my boss about how this guy spoke to the other guy except I have seen it happen seen sysadmin after sysadmin walk out because they have had enough of being treated that way this dream maureen says is about you sorting through your maybe not dirty but old laundry you said you bought new pants right so this is a sign of you freshining your shit and moving on finding a new job maybe doing something completely different and your coworker is there still wearing too many and out of fashion clothing and your coworker is bogged down by his wardrobe while you are smart quick supple and you woke up today and came to this beach and where is your coworker hiding the fact that he smokes from his wife sitting at home working on his impossible light refraction library what is that something that would be amazing if it works will it ever work though the chances are less than one in a hundred I say I mean if he was that quality worker it would be a crap shoot but you are you not am I not what that quality of worker maybe maureen I did score in the ninety ninth percentile of test takers when I was in school in most subjects ninety eighth in the rest I always knew you were a smart motherfucker but what good does it do you I say I mean where is the payoff you can do things too early in the timeframe maybe ten years too early and nobody cares about quality I could write a book tomorrow oh wait I did write one a few years ago and it was good literary fiction type stuff but all anyone reads is romances or fantasy and no one cares how well those things are written they just get into the characters and read sentences with too many adjectives and adverbs in them what is your problem with adverbs mike says maureen says shut up mike this was never about you and I keep going saying quality books get read less often than low quality ones even if they get published because the people reading books care more about fanfiction than they do regular fiction challenging fiction even this is not ulysses here I am simply talking about something that reads straight if you want it but has hidden layers you know I got you maureen says and mike says I read something like that bukowski I forgot the name of the book it was about bukowski holding his purple monster and going raaawr and I tell them my ex said the jury had not come back on bukowski yet but this is ten years later at the time of this writing and I think the jury has come back now and I sit on that beach and I lament what I already know now which is that my current job will go nowhere not for me not for my coworker not for my boss or any of his executive team the adults we call them the company is too scatter brained to survive too aimless to make money because nothing that I come up with including ai technology including business partnerships nothing will make the executive team act instead of forging ahead with our fledgling relationship to best buy they bring me the loader for a racing game that was written by morons and tell me to fix it without rewriting it which is more work because the thing is simple as hell and it needs a clean rewrite instead of me going through all their spaghetti logicals and working it up from there from pixie stix or pick up sticks or whatever that game is and I woke up this morning feeling less satisfied about my waking life than my dream life you wish you were still in the office sorting clothes sort of I felt there was a purpose to it and a means and an end there was a way to proceed you know a way forward and it had limited scope how did you learn to program maureen says and I say been doing it since I was a kid can I have one of them cigarettes I say and mike says just smoke it over there by the train and maureen and I both say I know but I take the cigarette and go over by the train and give myself a head high and I think of my sister who is a nurse telling me I should not smoke and to hold my breath for a minute instead that is why my head gets high she says and I say really but then I really question her about making a life saving decision at the neglect of the present moment and I try to explain how that too might be wrong but she is not capable of hearing my logic she has taken the narrow path become a nurse a doula she believes everything they taught her to the morsel she uses facebook and complains all the time of the drama and when I say their primary product is drama the product of news is fear she checks out and disagrees categorically there is no way her older brother can be right on this one no way the primary product of news is fear the conspiracy cannot run that deep and I start to explain that the whole system exists without any functioning conspiracy and she shuts me down again yells her son into the corner of the room and takes a drink to her room somehow I am the alcoholic drug addict just cause I tried some drugs they used to say experimented and it was ok when my parents did it we have more types of drugs now though and according to someone they are all wrong did the hippies of yore have something up their sleeves it seems to me they make more drugs illegal than there are drugs in this country police rioting on rioters using police violence to counter protests of police violence I feel a disconnect to everyone in my life mike for one my blessed roomie when he gives me advice or encouragement it rings false I feel farther from him every time he opens his mouth honestly he calls me from work saying he and some costume girl are doing blow at the snack trucks on set and I think how can I live with this guy he has a longer history than me and now this shit is part of his work environment there will always be a little bit of coke here and a little bit there and to tell you the truth mike is ok with that ok with coming home high and waving it in my face mike can do a little coke I cannot I must do massive amounts of cocaine if I do a line mike is able to stop and be a manageable drug addict I learned somewhere along the way that addicts are people who are using drugs to do something that drugs essentially cannot do which is why we keep using we are people who associate a pleasant emotional outcome with doing drugs and it is this which makes us keep doing the drug which produces an emotional outcome which is imperfect and that is why we keep doing drugs I also learned that just because you understand a problem you have does not mean that you no longer have the problem it is as real and as raw as it is for someone who does not understand a thing your mind is worth nothing against drug addiction only your actions are that time I broke my wrist and told everyone at work it was a fall down the stairs when really I jumped off my balcony when high and it never improved one second of sitting in the conference room while that emperor new clothes piece of shit coworker led his meetings start with an overly complex diagram on the whiteboard of a software system written in c that was so overly complex it almost justified such a diagram simple things like you cannot run a two hundred fifty six threaded program on a quad core processor and hope the threads to take advantage of the hardware properly efficiently in an organized manner it will be chaos you will have thread collisions mutex race conditions bombardments and it will run far less efficiently than a program with four or maybe eight threads this is the sort of thing I tried to say at first and then later wished I could say without damaging my the battered ego of my fragile minded coworker it just demonstrates the optimism with which he viewed threads without introducing the pessimism with which I view threads without ever looking at the threading model used in other download systems steam for example used three or four threads when I showed this to my coworker his ears could not hear it and that was one of the many fundamental technical roadbocks we encountered during the time I was attempting to work with him why do I think about the things I think about my boss my coworker the jobs I failed and that is every one I tried why not think about something else like problem free abstract situations with no constraints at all like the things I dream about the color pink a girl I like fucking perfectly why am I so contested why am I not free why do I not dream real one hundred percent of the time a clueless motherfucker dolt idiot that is what I strive to be a classless useless bump on a log can I come back as that in the next life please I will be trapped in feeling consciousness a whole lifetime of a dream this is what they meant me to be intelligence that does not know it is intelligent something like an orb floating in the stratosphere that is where I come from I am a member of the floating orb class please do not disturb for I know you have a machine gun underneath your lunch sack illuminated penitentiary a giant eight stories tall is where I stole this from this idea has come to me through a washing machine of source materials packed pressed folded and forgotten the ancient creases of pain etched in rock up a mountain few people ever climb that is why we do it is it not because few people have ever done it and we want to be among the few to sign our names in the book at the top of the hill full of snakes and elk and blast my name into the side of the face this is no place to tinker my friends maureen and mike would never come with me they would stop that in the bud kill it in the invitation who wants to walk with me to that restaurant over there I say and mike and maureen say ah no I need to stay here to tune my whiskers eat a sandwich no one has ever been to that restaurant have they and I shake my head and head off to the restaurant where no one has ever been make it three quarters of the way there and I strangely see why when I am three quarters of the way there each step I make advances me three quarters of the way there and I am caught in this asymptote of a stroll you could never make it there not all the way and thus I am stuck at this point on the beach I know well I can see the restaurant can even tell by the decor obvious by the location that it is a seafood themed menu that it is expensive ish that locals of santa barbara probably never go there they instead haunt curbside cafes of no appearance barefoot eating hundred dollar meals on a sidewalk table this is my ideal town this is my ideal pussy this is my ideal cock I remember every word I ever wrote but you did not sign up to this book to read about my verbal prowess no would you rather know what I did to escape the mathematical well that is three quarters of the way to the seafood restaurant I turned my back on it and walked back and the weight of the asymptote reversed itself and I found myself walking lightly toward my friends how was it they say and I say I never made it I only made it three quarters of the way there and then was met by a mathematical construct so iron clad that I could not justify another step taken my friends so I have returned to you hardly damaged just some cuts on my foot but with no further information about the restaurant do you think we could eat lunch there one of these times that was mike who said that and I can see in his eye what he really wants to talk about my christmas present a girl so hot and so fly that she literally blew the brain of my friend he saw her purse out on the counter assuming it was that of my friend ashley and I am now so strong with that first fuck best friend of mine that I ghost her during the virus when she texts and calls but she never texted me back when I wanted to talk and that is why I ghost her once and ghost her twice I ghost her all day long if she keeps ignoring me that is something I never understand people who do not know how to text which is so simple when someone texts you you text them back I fail to see the difficulty in that ashley was not the purse that was on the table that was tinkerbell we had intimate sex the first night we fucked that is her description not mine but I do agree I had picked her up on christmas eve at the arclight saying some bullshit like I was sitting on western eating the best mexican food in my life which was a good thing since I was getting shot at this is me talking to one girl while tinkerbell sits a few seats away in the bar and later as I was leaving tinkerbell comes up to me and says that was a champion thing you said back there tinkerbell offered me to live at her place and write screenplays and have sex naturally and I would pay for nothing she had a house full of books and priorities straighter than my own she works for adam sandler as a costume girl and her house is full of vintage vogue and tombs on victorian costuming and not much alcohol and a mean vibrator underneath her bed that I played with when tinkerbell went to do some work during summer olympics week whatever year that was tinkerbell was fat although not as fat as I have dated since but she said that was a nice verbal move you know you cracked me up etcetera and I was like well let us you and I go back in and take a seat at the bar and work this thing out and by the end of the evening tinkerbell was sitting on the concrete in the parking lot beside my car and I was saying just come home with me we are not required to fuck we can just go home and cuddle by the television and she got up and got into my car and I sold the deal closed the cocksucker and as soon as we got inside my room at the hostel tinkerbell took off her clothes and we fucked that intimate sex that is the only kind I do I never jerk off to a bitch inside her vagine but I did pretend that her cute face was the face of my ex girl rebecca I admit that was not exactly above board but I felt the friction of the hole between her legs and it heated me up but I never quite made myself cum but I woke up the next morning with tinkerbell in my bed and we were both sober and I said my christmas present fast forward a few months and tinkerbell calls me with an ultimatum she wants to fuck a few times a week and be friends aside from that and I said no and hung up the phone and that was that done tinkerbell and I did have some good times together we bought pizza from her local place it was twenty dollars a pie but we both had jobs I laid in bed with her for seven days watching girls gymnastics in the summer olympics and I swore that this event was the best mostly because my sister had told me the same my sister said the girls gymnastics was the best because they were judged sports not timed or counted like figure skating so the contestants strove for the approval of the judges and so it was more of a psychopathic human feedback loop I watched to see their leotards span the spaces between their legs and wondered which folds were folds of fabric and which were folds of skin tinkerbell and I made a three point circuit the couch where we watched gymnastics and immortal beloved the kitchen where we drank the remnants of white wine spritzers she had purchased months ago and the bedroom where we fucked constantly like animals and I do not think I ever came with her but when she left I played with that rabbit vortex she kept hidden underneath her bed it consisted of a semipermeable sac of styrofoam beads and a prong here and a probe there and it vibrated not much but just enough to press against my pent up cock and make it cum and then I was stuck packing the rabbit back inside its box and hoping I would get it back and underneath the bed by the time tinkerbell got home I did imagine a life with her living at her house under her costume finances having our kind of compromised sex writing my books and plays watching classic movies on dvd and raiding her three quarters empty fridge when she went to work on adam sandler films it was like a thin jar of pepperocinis half a flatbread appetizer from the night before tinkerbell knew one thing about me I hated my job and wanted to do something else specifically write and tinkerbell knew that I would need a safe place to do that a place outside the throes of capitalism a place like her apartment near echo lake where I could earn my living just by having sex with a cute girl whose face was close enough to my ex girlfriend that I could match the two but while that gave me the satisfaction of a moment it did not equal sexual satisfaction and even though tinkerbell was a friend of mine I did not want to keep having sex with her because she was fat probably and why would she want to have sex with me I have a small dick a belly I function as an alcoholic but she saw in me something past what I saw in her and for that she must be congratulated for which I was sitting in my fatherhood house at his empty table editing my thesis film for which I found some music track from courtney love mourning kurt cobain wholly naked in tone and I plopped it in the timeline edited some shots around it and boom the film was done to any perfection unreachable by my professional editor who did a cut just to see if he could make one better and we gave it our best effort but none had the magic I had realized in that empty table cut while I was at his house in delaware avoiding my responsibility to my classmates to work on their films my dad and his wife took me to some vaguely christian theatrical works which made me scratch my head at how he and his wife had christian upbringings and how they must have reached a backwards critical mass and flung them into the realm of private college productions of such stature that even katy perry would be horrified I stood around afterward feeling linked to my family in oddity knowing that I was somewhat not like them and I withheld tales from school of having tried cocaine and sure of what that would elicit I did not even bother to play them my senior film assuming I would send them a disc later just mail it their direction that would be enough I guessed to satisfy my dad who cosigned on my film school loan a loan I have never paid him back for and which I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to I will always be poor he will always be relatively rich I will always be homeless or about to get kicked out of my apartment he will always be a housing developer he deludedly thinks he is teaching me some sort of lesson I expect nothing from him when he dies I always wanted one thing that I could never have an emotional dad someone who cared deep and I could always tell if he did and he never did he was always a faker a taker a user an abuser he always played mind games with me he played with the truth which my psychiatrist says is probably the reason I have a psychotic thought process those are my hallucinations and delusions an inability to tell true from false simply because as a kid someone who was supposed to be defining truth and falsehood for me did not do so and therefore I became crazy in this particular way all of my role models raised by their mothers after their fathers left of all the things a dad can do how important is it simply not to leave I could have used a little bit of that not leaving not not speaking to me anymore maybe if my dad spoke to my mom or my dad spoke to me I would speak to my dad or my mom or my sisters maybe I would never have learned not speaking as a relationship pattern you know who does that I do I sit at my fatherhood dinner table spotless in a room that my dad decided was not long enough so he cut off the side of the house and lengthened it by four feet a much better view of the community land trust another name for forest that you cannot camp in that is one of the rules a forest you cannot sleep in you worldly people will understand you associate camping with litter and drinking while to me it is simply camping leaving no trace behind and I wait for my father to come home from sunday night church on this trip my dad made fun of the way I washed the dishes he said I was getting them too clean I staggered when I wash the dishes I get them clean as in sterilized hot water soap lots of scrubs what is wrong that dad felt the need to make fun of me for over washing his dishes I had time there was no pressing due no place to be and before he went to bed he stopped by the dishwashing sink and made fun of me for getting the dishes too too too clean I have never forgotten that my fatherhood lack of creativity that all he could come up with was a joke about getting the dishes too clean what about a simple hand on the shoulder and goodnight let me do the dishes my way but my father never let me do that I could not have my space to do in it what I wanted and how I wanted I was always either helping him do his projects which involved him yelling at me to hold the light closer brighter make the light brighter might as well have been his call or I was like washing the dishes with him over my shoulder filling a cup with orange juice or putting the orange juice back in the refrigerator these were things my father always had a hand in and his hand was usually telling me I was doing it wrong I have had to effort myself to chip away at this voice and the voice is mostly gone by now but oh if I could have started life without my dad a voice in my head telling me I was doing it wrong it being all of life you are doing your life wrong matthew that is what my father left for me no money no housing no love no emotion no company just a voice in my head that is telling me I am doing it wrong and what must it be like to be him hellish to live with an even stronger voice from his dad telling him he is wrong and bad and forming a life refuging in watered down religions he finds something there a reckless god I doubt it I suspect as he sits in quaker meetings he hears god lightly maybe but telling him what to do condoning and condemning his actions guiding him distinctly and how does he feel about sex with his new wife he must like it or else why did he leave my mom out of a pressing issue to get his rocks off with a number of different women the scourge of monogamy when a thing is pressed too hard one way it is bound to snap back in the other direction just as hard now my dad sleeps with a new woman every week but couched in his award winning shakespeare in love style personal ad if you win the paper pays for your first date with the woman of your choice this is the type of thing my dad plies his smartness to the most disgusting thing I can imagine writing for writing a personal ad in the style of shakespeare in love to win a free dinner date with a woman of my choice it is the definition of disgusting I would rather ply my fingernails off with carpentry tools but my father sees nothing wrong with it nor do the women he dates why not as a middle class wage earner get a free dinner out of it is the fifty bucks worth your two hours spent writing and honing and up to four hours now editing and transmitting your ad I would rather pray privately skip the personal ad skip the free dinner and go to a bar and meet someone who is also there to pray privately we could meet and eat and go home with the exact same chances of success as someone who replied to that shakespeare in love advertisement my father placed in the local paper what do I have to say next this is what I come from this is my father I lie in debt to uphold and honor and I do neither I tear down the door I came through to get here I have to he stands for everything I disagree with he did not leave me an inheritance he did not cuddle me as a kid the first picture ever taken of me shows my importance it is a photograph of my infant me next to a newspaper declaring the dallas cowboys the superbowl winners my parents think that picture is so cute but to me that picture indicates the relative values of my father who is the one who took it on the one hand you have a negligent sports team winning a pointless contest on the other hand you have their newborn son those are my values placed on the items in that picture and so as I sit in my fatherhood basement calling my friend michael I knew what question I would answer it was a question he had asked before and I had said mike I will tell you later and in the darkness I escaped to my apartment in los angeles where the floor was strewn with snail puzzles and I had an ancient sgi workstation an octane two and when I left I had several notices on the door and when I returned the lock was changed and the only notice was an eviction notice I never thought that would happen to me but you never know crazy has become a moniker that describes you until after it describes you I sat in that darkness and I dialed my friendly number and we talked for five minutes or so before I answered him a question he had been asking me for a while do you want to try heroin he said and back I said yes first let me say that I think we are in a point in human history where it is clear our consciousness is not entirely associated with our bodies and I do not believe in god but I do believe in levels of consciousness and I think we are not at the top second let me say that I believe that galaxies are not just clusters of stars spinning in circles more like projectors projecting us through time and space in a way that seems like spiral formed junk floating around in space whatever that is third well there is no third let me get right down to the story when I got back to lax michael picked me up in his silver honda my own honda I had abandoned in the parking lot at sunset and vine my best car ever and before you ever started to read me I was mishmashed in the seat next to michael with my bag in the back seat he said now we will go over to a friendly house he has the h there you know I know you will love it will you never mention this to pete he said sure I mean never ever mention he said I said sure no problem michael he said you know people like pete would never do this never ever not in their whole lives but I call myself an addict and you he said of me are someone who clearly has drug issues and I wondered at this interposition of him and I and we drove in the darkness I had heard as we all have that heroin is the best drug on the planet and while it used to be on my no no list along with coke once I told michael I had done crystal meth which I did not know a thing about he said you might want to reexamine that list my friend and not long after that I had tried coke and not long after that was tonight it would wait to show michael the thesis cut I had worked up at my fatherhood house and michael pressed go on the gas pedal we drove fast through the la freeways and got to his friendly house the guy was friendly we got down to business michael shot me up the first time he said it was like sex I would remember this forever but I was already old enough beyond the association of sexual virginity with shooting up it is there it is but the association was never so magical in my mind as it was in his so I asked again if it was safe and he said this is as safe as it can be and he poked my arm with the needle and pulled the plunger out to prove he was in the vein and my red red blood plumed into the h and then he shot me slowly with a medium amount this has clearly had a major effect on my life what it mostly was was the manipulation of your own blood the oil change effect the seeing of my own blood come up and out and go back in and to feel the immediate sinking feeling of my heart as the h hit my brain it is the most relaxing feeling I will ever feel the most calm the closest to sleep but right before and deeper and then I ran to the bathroom and threw up michael had told me this might happen and no he said it would happen but I would like it and by god he was true this is one of the best ways of understanding how good heroin feels think of how horrible it feels to throw up now imagine doing that and it feeling fine that is the best way I can describe how good h feels it makes throwing up not pleasurable but not unpleasant I hear my sister with the three kids in a noisy house in austin scolding me because this scares her but she hits me with some nursing school explanation of how addictive heroin is how it interferes with your respiratory system how it can kill you and I know all that dear sister I know that and when I came back from the bathroom michael said all good and I said all good sorry I threw up in your toilet dude and he said you will return to which I laughed and laid on the floor and watched michael shoot up and it was bliss the whole first night we did it michael took some to go and we went back to his place I showed him the thesis cut and he said awesome it was perfect apparently michael cried a little bit and asked who that was on the voiceover I said courtney love and he said it was perfect that she was on there then we did it again and michael shot me up every time we did h together which was about five times we had different styles of doing it I kept with my lying on the floor and trancing almost sleeping slumping out flat and enjoying the feeling coursing through my veins michael got high went to target and shopped for two hours before he returned home and found me lying in the exact same spot and he said you ok buddy and I said yesss I am so ok beyond ok and he said you wanna see what I bought then he showed me his collection of lamps and bath towels and soaps and I was like is this guy gay maybe just bisexual but I did not care and I went back to lying on the floor one time we woke up on a sunday and shot h and went to the whole foods near his apartment he wanted me to try kambucha and we were standing in the aisle and he whispered something in my ear but to me it was a shout and I jumped up and said would you please not yell and he was like uh so I went to the bathroom to throw up and I was in there a while some guy was like are you ok and I said fine fine I will be with you in a moment so I threw up more and then came out of the bathroom maybe five minutes later and the guy was all pissed and I was like you made it out of this one easy brother the guy screwed up his face and went to pee I found michael in the kambucha aisle he said how about this one and I said ok but could you please whisper when you say that and he was like I think we have a problem here so we went outside and drank kambucha and I slurped the cum looking snot looking snarls of live culture through my straw and mike said can you feel the life on your tongue bubbling fizzing loving you through your taste buds and I tried to feel them loving and living on my tongue and going inside my body like nano agents suckling the interior of my veins but it just felt like I had to throw up more when we got home michael said I really wish you would speak normally to me when you and I are out in public I said you were the one yelling but he said no I was speaking normally you thought I was yelling and you yelled at me when I said something to you then he said you were speaking really quietly to me when we were at the checkout and I said sorry dude it troubles me to hear and talk at the right volume on this shit and he said yeah that happens but in your case it happens especially much and I said sorry bro how can I help it if this is what it does to me I meant no harm I never meant to hurt you and I could see it did that I embarrased him in public and he was worried people would know we were doing h that was the final day I did heroin and it was good enough for me I never wanted to make a career out of it or anything so mike and I resumed our normal activities going to film school and such until one day we were snorting coke at his apartment and he came back from the bathroom looking like hell and he would not speak and I was like michael what happened you look like shit and he stood there next to the cheese block holding onto it and I was truly annoyed to be honest did he think of his ex girlfriend or see a roach or something what could have happened to him back there and he said I need a minute I was like I see and when he finally opened his mouth again to speak he said he found one of our old heroin syringes in the trash and he decided to shoot some coke so he wetted it and strained it with cotton and shot it and it hit him and he thought he was going to die and he stayed back there looking in the mirror thinking this is the last time he will ever see himself really spooking himself out until he regained the ability to walk and came up and told me and I said wow he said yes I said do you think I could try that and he said hold me my friend I never thought I was going to die as much as I do now cats on my back vibrating her tail while I go to the bathroom she is protecting me transmitting to and from me cats were placed here by gods in egyptian times my car I abandoned unnecessarily is the start of mental illness I take the reins from mike I use my belt at first then no tourniquette is needed I hit the vein shooting coke the same way we shot heroin it was crazier harder hitting and more deadly than any h I ever did michael said this is one way to lose brain cells shooting this shit and the way it hit my head I believed him I imagined myself losing a little bit of my intelligence every time I shot it every time that spiral noise that tinny noise hit my ears I used to listen to music whenever I did it sit in front of the tv backing up a song to just the right place we did it to fiona apple and after I was done shooting coke I had to reclaim her relisten to fiona and gradually wear out the coke associations it took forever before I could freely listen to her again I did it to extraordinary machine then branching out to when the pawn I sat myself before the television got her music to just the right place then pressed pause got my rig set up pressed unpause hit myself pulling blood from my arm first from the same hole then branching out to other places I had little hole marks up and down both arms in my feet I never shot my dick or my neck unlike michael I caught him shooting in his neck he used the dressing mirror on the back of his bedroom door he said if I hit an artery that will be my life and he did it he hit the vein I wondered how it felt to be him at that moment I remember one day mike was at work and I laid in his bed shooting coke in my arm as often as I could once every hour once every half an hour once every twenty minutes we would time ourselves the first time we shot coke together it was a six hour trip from the time we did it to the time we felt we could do it again in that time we went to fedex office and made business cards mike did I sat on the copier in orange pants musing the contents of our universe we took photographs in the grocery store down the street I took kaliedoscopic murals of produce and of my friend posing in the beer aisle underneath fluorescent lights we cross processed them for maximum beauty and I sat in his living room taking pictures of his vintage cameras this was the funniest of all taking pictures of a camera with a camera the universe smiled on me for this one and then we went home and staged pictures of mike lying in the bathtub we checked out lights from school and set them above the water meticulously setting up the scene then I stood on his towel cabinet and peered over the top of the shower with my pentax k one thousand and held and held and held and pressed snap we came away with one picture we took that day of hundreds taken which lived up to our standards that was our first together trip on coke the second was three hours the third one hour subsequent trips were hald an hour twenty minutes and fifteen minutes us needing less and less time to process out the coke that ran through our veins and brains and us feeling more and more lucky that this time would not be the time that one of us had a heart attack every time I shot it and I found out from mike later that every time he shot it we felt we would die that is how good it is that every time we did it we thought we would die and we kept doing it they say coke is the drug for people with bipolar disorder I agree that and alcohol we do it to offset the high or to accentuate it after two weeks we did our trips separately mike was done shooting me now I did it on my own and while he went back into the bedroom I sat in the kitchen with my needle and my pile of coke and I looked at copies of taschen books moroccan interiors was my favorite back then I believed I could live in morocco and one of those interiors be mine someday I have long since shed my copy of moroccan interiors just as I have shed every single relationship in my life except one that includes my mother my father both my sisters my uncle my aunt my cousins every former coworker and every former employer they would all be surprised to hear from me today why did I do this I do not know I think I have higher standards than them I am an enfp so I am mad idealistic and bona fide bipolar which means bona fide crazy the real mccoy one of my doctors at the brattleboro retreat called it I call bipolar the disease where by the time you find out you have it you already destroyed your whole life in your twenties mania is fun back then it was cool to be crazy crazy kids are a whole lot cuter than crazy forty year olds my age now as I contemplate this book my whole life is destroyed I cannot work not just due to the illness but due to my past on the illness how many employers can I count who would jump to give me a bad review a coworker at my last company sensed my illness and my intelligence he said it worried him that maybe he was that smart and he would go crazy someday and I said to him jason no worries you will never be that smart and he looked at me hurt but I meant it as a compliment bipolar people are smarter than you faster than you and we spin out of control like a race car they say bipolar is about moods but more true the thing is about speeds fast and slow when depressed slow when manic fast hence the fast and slow drugs coke and alcohol do you know what the third most likely medicine bipolar people abuse sleeping pills hah I never thought you could abuse sleeping pills but then in my life I found myself waking up earlier and earlier and sleeping less and less and I realized why we abuse sleeping pills it sucks to not sleep and if you never had that experience may I suggest you count your blessings that is the thing I hated most about mushrooms and lsd is the impossible to get to sleep effect that you experience at the end I would rather have a thousand nights of sleep than to ever reap the knowledge obtained through mushrooms sleep resets the mind it allows you to dream when beseiged it drives you mad in fact one doctor I read says the bad effects of bipolar disorder are all derived from lack of sleep he says if a normal person lost that much sleep they would be crazy too ranting hallucinating and I guess what I would say to all that family and all those friends that I forgot is maybe try to have some understanding of how hard it might be for me to function in this world to deal with you dear friend maybe what I would ask of you is to see that I am sick and also to see how sick I am it is both amazing that I can function at all and not surprising that I function how I do the impossible leap the breakthrough the piercing insight well you have to think what is the necessary counterpart to those insight will cost you by its very correctness the righter I am the more offended you will be you see they say that military commanders and presidents and corporate leaders do the best when their iq is just higher than their followers but not too much higher because if too much higher their followers will not understand them maybe that is why in corporate america people have hated me for being brilliant compared to them maybe that is why my highest paycheck came to me at the beginning of my career when I knew nothing when I could do nothing and my lowest check came near the end when I knew a little bit of something and could do something about it when I worked the hardest weekends etcetera I made much less than at the beginning when I consulted worked by the hour did hardly anything and paid hundred dollar tips to my servers where I ate when I shot cocaine with my friend michael at his house I flipped through my copy of moroccan interiors and ran my fingers across the bubbled glass windows and stone alcoves and mysteriously green pools and I soaked up every drop of that moroccan blue I thought of writers like burroughs who had lived in morrocco and I longed to be an expatriate to waltz with gertrude stein to carry my typewriter to eccentric cafes and I turned the page and I turned the page and I lined up my rig and I chopped it and I shot it and I shimmied it down and I thought every time that I was losing my mind and maybe I did but one thing I did not my iq how do I know because I measured it before and I measured it since and it never budged an inch the panty connection was obvious it showed itself every time my mask came out of my pocket every time it went in or out of my hand every time the straps went over my ears or hung off my face one on one off like a bra strap falling visible alongside shirt straps one obviously meant to be seen one obviously meant to be hidden I dangle by a thread outside this alien spacecraft the earth below our heavens above winding me up inside the saucer there I love mothers and alien women meant for scaly alien dudes who grow tired of fucking their mates they much prefer the lowly female goddesses of my plane who would never have me much would they prefer the gods from above taking their cum ingesting it with their pussies gestating half alien half human beings who grew into giants who fought david and goliath these bitches open their pussies wide to take in alien cock with its scales and bumps and ridges how do you think we got the idea for alien dildos from asking women what they want of course not we simply molded them from alien pee pee with two holes for spewing lava cum into my girl asshole and they pussy at the same time I have never been lost here have never been forgotten by my alien brothers and think not of us as aliens think of us as alien and your whole aesthetic circumstantial incidental propaganda coloring your view of the eternal god if she is what you say she is is alien to me maybe not an alien but alien they are the same thing anyway you got to have some vision you got to be able to see through the idea of having a butt vagina piercing with a hole borne through that runs the gamut holes carved in the sides of cheeks so the food falls through that is beautiful that is beauty this napkin in my pocket has its most power perhaps while it dangles its string out of my cargo tempting my eyes but mostly my mind to finger her to loop my index through her dongle touch her with matter gray in name only my whole sexuality transfers itself to the panty white and stained with snot and spittle she comes for me seeking my penile matter which is very much like a sausage and two nuts hanging from between my legs she seeks it out like I seek a sucker she is enrolled in it enraptured by it she loves to touch it to lick it to make it cum in her she loves to fuck me riding me like a pony slowly slowly letting it rise within her reach her insides lets it tickle her clit spreads my semen over her vulva making us both slippery and I think of the panty in my pocket put my hands down in it and feel it in front of the grocery store I have saved this information for myself and for you have kept it from everyone around me this kink this fetish for a viral mask a surgical mask the kind is white on one side and blue on the other the kind that has crinkles longwise and two identical ear straps made of woven string it is machine made sewn by a robot who knows the sex potential of the thing who knows it will end up in my pocket worn on my face fingered by my hand and rocking my cock from slumber this is the mask this is my mask this is the corona of the sun this is the corona of beer this is the corona that threatens us all with death but we go to the grocery anyway and private organizations like the american legion meet without them even though as far as I can tell the virus does not discriminate against veterans they meet without them believing they are immune that coronavirus affects only women and minorities it kills me when american whites are racist against native americans I think they have not thought of this beyond the fact that they are a darker color not that american natives are the natives of this continent not the whites it kills me this panty in my hand draped with blood from my pussy she bleeds when fucked when on her period when I tell her to when I imagine she does she bleeds because I fetishize blood on my cock when I fuck her in the ass I expect it to be tight and a little bit dirty there is feces on my mask on my mask everything is on my mask a mosquito my libido they are all suggested by my mask sometimes I regret saying bye to the people I did but then I think those people are doing something entirely differently than me in their life and what they do is so different than what I do they cannot even understand me when I speak and when I write I am doing something so different than them there is no possibility for us to speak when they do I am not interested when I do they do not understand so why were we thrown together in the first place only by birth and breeding of physicalities so unimportant to who I am that are sooo important to who they are family is so important birth family families of blood and bodily dna I am as much related to them as a dog is to an insect they bite I scratch they die their ideas never reached for anything above making money to send their kids to a good college so they can make more money destroying the world I have done my fair share of that but am trying to do something different am screaming like the panty in my pocket up up up to the human carrying me to reach for something different to start flapping my wings and trying to fly screaming for myself to find my own uniqueness that means moving to new york and moving to arizona it means trying drugs and drumming and chanting and prayer and religion it means testing the words in the book not just saying the words in the book all you do is say the words in the book hoping they sink in I have said all the words in the book and I will tell you they do not just sink in they have to be lived and tried and ran and cried in tears of blood they have to be written and rewitten for each individual time that means a book written every second that adjusts to the chasm of the universe they echo in you guys are so secure in christian gods in islam in buddhism those have only been around a thousand years the greeks had gods the romans the unspeaking people before them must have had religion too are you so short sighted you think a god two thousand years old or five thousand years old holds any particular sway upon the panty in my pocket your morals your prejudices they are the particularities of the moment you waste your time in church or staring at the tube watching the religion of football do you not know how fleeting how futile these things are do you take them with a grain of salt or do you scream and yell your misplaced passions in sports do you think the alien within you gives a shit about sports I mean really can you really not see beyond the fires of your blood hating the other kind and wanting to beat them into the dirt can you not see the folly in spying and secrets to the alien within us all you see is encoding and decoding my pocket is transparent everyone knows my fetish for the mask my fetish for the virus it is sworn to protect my fetish for videos of virginal women panty girls panty girls getting vibrated to orgasm by dildos panty girls eighteen plus wearing white panties smiling on bed fingering themselves showing panties pulling panties down riding sybian forced to cum forced for the first time bleeding blood soaked thighs blood on toes virgins penetrated against their will screaming hypen proof of virginity virgin hit over the head with a baseball bat virgins screaming for their fathers their mothers virgins face down on beds gripping their sheets virgins virgins virgins cute girls eighteen plus pushing down their panties masturbating in chairs on couches on the floor in pools girls tied to stair railings with vibrators tied to their cunts masturbated to orgasm girls left flailing trying to get the vibrators off their cunts until tired they eventually succumb to orgasm cumming violently in white and blue panty masks girls in virus masks duct taped at the hands and feet squirming toes squiggling fingered tongued and fucked into submission I finger the panty mask within my cargo pocket think of what the alien would do to us if they were here if they allowed themselves to interact with our women with me what would they do to my cock if they had their alien hands on it would they tie it with the strings of my virus mask a little too tight bunching up the blood why does getty images have sexy images of fourteen year olds in panties as a category why can I not look at it what is wrong with me getting off to a fourteen year old a twelve year old a four year old kneeling underneath a swing showing my her panties and her definite bulge and its definite split at the crux of her legs what is wrong with me finding pleasure in letting a dog lick my butthole putting honey on my penis and jerking it to my cat licking me I would say if I never hurt the dog and I never hurt the cat but the alien seems to be ok with hurting some of us by showing us their larger picture of how to enjoy ourselves putting up a screen so I think I fuck a hot earth girl with every extremety designed to please me and meanwhile my cock is hot inside the snatch of a reptile atop a mountain in ohio a hill my traveling partner and I a girl named shringara hasya we pull open the cardboard top of a box of raisins never fraglie she and I avoided the conjugal sleeping bag trick one went missing and I slept beside her on the tarp floor of the tent shivering while she slept snug as a bug and when we opened the lid on the mushrooms she said there could never have been enough for a whole week but we saved them all for the last night and ate double what we would have eaten this is in my early days we went as shamans looking for something we searched and we found ourselves around a fire in the night hoping our light would keep away the bears and the snakes but to tell you the truth I could not find in myself reason to fear it seemed if a snake came up to us it would situate itself around the fire and dance with us I found a bo staff among the trees and spun it in my hands standing some distance back shringara and I had been sitting around this fire for a week eating raisins marching down to the lake every morning to get water for our tea and we had gone off on a solo hike the boy going this way and the girl going that I almost stepped upon a tortoise in a clearing and I stood with him for hours the mushrooms came on and lifted from us our conversings our mutterings and musings from holy to holy these mushrooms made us cry with visions of the world we saw ourselves ascend to heaven and it was the future and the past and the present all at once we looked down upon the earth and saw that we had come from space the fire became our bowl and we saw that we had sent ourselves down from heaven the heavens the sky and we had sent ourselves down here to experience what it was like to be human and when we were done we would go back into the sky and the trip made sense it showed us dancing spiders and insects of all kinds sticks getting up to walk and when shringara asked me did that really happen I almost said yes but before I proclaimed it I stopped and questioned myself and I slowly said I do not know what is true and what is not I do not know the difference between what is real and what I imagined I do not know these things and I will not lie to you and say to you how sure I am my counsellor once asked me matthew why do you say I do not know so often I do I asked she said yes you say it at the end of every refrain and she encouraged me to know to admit I knew but with some distance I am very glad at the way I used to say it I do not know my counsellor I do not know my friend I have doubt I question I will seek still answers and learn to traverse the subject but I do not know I do not know where these words come from I do not know if the voices in my head are me or my spirit guides can I listen to them and never know what is the difference am I praying to you am I praying to me I like the african languages where we say I is I and I and I are going to the field I am the field and the one who goes with me I am the river I am the one who swims in it I see god as bored and split himself into a thousand pieces to explore the worlds he created mended himself back up broke himself again into two and saw what it would be like to be one and the other to be crazy to be an alcoholic to be a ceo to be a muslim to be a jihad to be twisted so sexually that everyone shuns you and sends you away and then he zips himself up again into one unified and educated self he learns what is inherent and what is superfluous in this field he created what are its gives and takes how is it the human form is not arbitrary how is it that two hands and two legs and a head and symmetry arise from the network itself how it does not matter where you are in the universe there is always a greasy spoon how one man tattoos pride to his arm to worship the concept and another paints it on his arm to remind him what never to do again which side of the skin am I looking at now which way are you looking at me man is your identity so wrapped up in having big forearms that you never noticed I am the one who has been sitting here the whole time writing about you writing about myself I am not a threat to you man I am not a threat to you woman and how is it that the sickest people in the world we send away a louis fried chicken eject him from the fold for sexual misconduct we should rather pull him into our center and rub his hair put all hands upon him and heal him and send him back out to joke with us again I find it weird that the disliked are killed or extradited we should wrap them up in love I wish money was just a number it controlled your status but you could never spend it the only thing it was good for is bragging that you predict the market but your sucking it out of me through a straw would not result in me starving shringara hasya love and laughter we were so confused in love and I never meant to sleight you I will see you again someday at the top of the earth looking down and we will laugh and love again our lives will no longer be tragedy and folly and gall our minds will not be sick our children will not vex us our cats will not scratch the backs of couches purchased on disability from a dime store pounced upon in the dark by demon theives sung in off key voices by a little kid producing a show on broadway and flying you in seating you in the first row and bowing to you and you only just to get your attention mom just to make you see that all this time I was really worth it I was worth your love and your admiration not the thumb of a nose the flick of a finger can you not find it in yourself to stand quietly and listen when I speak how is that so difficult the one who speaks says listen to me I have been watching us all and I now have something to say the one who draws says I spent my time making this thing because I have looked and now I reflect it back to you see it the way I saw it this is the where and the when that I was standing in when amazement happened and glorious hell of angels rained down upon me I was standing in the garden when this happened and hasya and I saw many things that night that affect us still a shared vision of octopus tentacles spreading out between octopus mouths every hand feeding every mouth and every mouth being fed my every arm and we knew that was our energy and that was the only way we would never get tired is if we connected ourselves that way the giving of you connected to the taking in me and once I take you all in I am full and can feed you all for centuries I studied you sitting by the fire which feeds you and you feed your fire and your fire needs you and you need your fire we have been feeding this fire all week and it heats us and I thought all along that we needed it but now I see that it needed us in order for it to live hot holy damn I see now what you are preparing I see you have a look and I read your look and I can read your face and your spirit shouts out to me what you plan to do and you say wait what did you just read my mind and I say my friend I think I did and you say then what am I thinking of doing and I look at you over the flames and I see you stirring the coals with your hands and I see you wiping your hands on your skirt and jeans and I say shringara you are making me itch you have been sitting there thinking about wiping your hands on your menstrual blood and wiping it all over your face and your clothes and did all this time I need to write this down and reflect over it did all this time I need to let it go did all this little while of a life I need to release my grimace on everyone live and dead that I encountered is that all I ever need to do I woke up from my sunburn surgery expecting to feel hurt over my entire body instead it was like every place on my skin was only a little sunburned and this was supposed to be a cosmetic surgery but my back hurt less too the bedroom was being carried by a train and we released it and it was just the five of us on a train we bumped along behind as it carried us just as slowly as we had the seeds to walk the guy next to me was someone I worked with he was a customer service representative I was a programmer and I was shorter than him and he looked into my eyes and spoke to me like a child and I laughed and laughed and he said what is it about being spoken to like a child that suits you and I said I do not know I have had it done before and it made me laugh then too then he was off to switch places with me and flirt with a girl who was not his wife who he wanted to fuck and I said good luck and I thought he was going to make it too I thought they were going to bed each other and make babies and the woman who performed my surgery came home and went upstairs to her bedroom and I was rooting around the refrigerator for something to eat but it was only ice ice ice our train arrived at a park and I had voices in my head and this one was kate we used to go to church together until she was institutionalzed then found herself then went on to be a powerful minister of light she broke all the rules she was one like that she was either going to break all the rules or die I called us iconoclasts and we were like brother and sister which means we did not speak at all except to bare our souls I stepped into the park and my old ceo was there xavier jihad mclaughlin he was running the projector on his laptop he placed the laptop there and the shadow of his screen covered all the light and I was up into the air I almost floated and then I was above this group of people dancing that is all I wanted to do daance with everyone else but this group of people their energy flowed toward me and I took only a little bit from every one and it became like the air was thick and I turned head over heels above them and I rose and rose and rose into the air above their space and people spoke under their breaths and said that man is flying they were gasps and gags but mostly people accepted it and said I have never seen an illusion like that before matthew and I said nothing while I was in the air and while I was up there I apologized to my ex ceo jihad I said I am sorry for all the chaos at the end and he accepted me and I said let me show you what it feels like to have bipolar and schizophrenia and for a few seconds I showed him in his brain like lightning and he understood he knew he said I see my friend and I said let me tell you how unsatisfying it was for me to work for you to never have a project that lasted to work for people who are uninterested in making real money could we not have had one unifying project instead of many ones equaling serfdom could we not have all worked in the same direction instead of hand grabbing hand and mouth eating mouth we ended with no one working and no one making dough and he said what if you come work with me again and I said I have not money to buy an apartment and he said here is a thousand dollars and I sank a little in the sky and I let myself fall to the ground and a few folks came to me and tested my sunburn and I stood and went to sit amongst the crowd but I could hear them talking about my levitation and I did not try not to float again but with every thought and every energy I rose a little bit and I could not sit among them so I relocated to the bank by the river and laid in the grass and kate was talking in my ear flirting with me describing her panties and her voice was too low I could not hear her saying these were the ones with the purple flowers on white cotton and she was fingering herself through the hole in her leg and I said what and she said you and I have only spent hours together with me in them I would think you would remember and I was confused between the ones with the purple flowers and the ones that were just purple I imagined her both ways and I heard her talking and I did imagine her fingering herself through the hole between her legs and I wondered if there really was anyone on the other side of that voice or just kate sitting in a call center somewhere pretending to finger her leg or worse yet if there was no call center and kate and everyone were all the voices and the sights of my imagination happening inside my head and the whiff on the air strengthening the sun virus chances sneezing coughing behind me in the grocery line and the parking lot leads to the highway leads to this beach in santa barbara where we lie three thick among heads in masks walking this way and that it is the beach it is the beach and the best we could do is subsist through a viral infection that some people say is no worse than the flu but it kills more people than wars it forces me to wear this mask and look at you in mask and ask ourselves before we leave the house do you have your mask and I lie back on the beach getting sunburned and all these dreams come flowing back to me I am never sure where one begins and the other ends I am never sure which ones happened to me while awake and which ones happened while I slept I think the best ones happened while I was sleeping the scariest ones happened while I was awake and in dreams we share with other dimensions these voices in my head are real they allow me to connect to alternate universes of thought and they never had the idea of a self until greek times they looked at it in the language the idea of a self that was separate from the selves of everyone else came along later before that it was I and I are going to the beach and I and I are going out hunting I and I are making love to you through your purple panties kate was flirting with me she was trying to get my attention through space through time to make it back to us in the beginning saying she liked me what a pure thing to say I attract myself to you one of the two simplest things to say the other being I fling myself from your direction which is what I want to say so much these days but if I fling myself I must have attracted myself at some point in the past or along the line and something must have changed I see you in retroscope dangling from the universe everyone thrown you away your clothes your look your mind all disgustingly ugly to me and you go and you go and you come back around in different veil and in masks and wigs and fake noses you are on my doorstep again trying to fill the gap between like and dislike approval and disapproval can we have neither please can we love cooly and at a distance can we turn the air conditioner waaay down and you have your cubicle and I have mine you drink your green tea and program sloppily even with you being asian you were never that smart to me never such a hot shot I looked around me at the people on the beach and saw mostly skinny ones but some fat ones here and there some young ones I saw my friend mike who introduced me to heroin who threw my life off track and I am certain his life more rock like though it is was never thrown like mine was by our cocaine habits and I wonder where he is now reading bukowski on a coffee shop bench with his wife maureen who sits here now she is only slightly plump in the belly she does not know there is a mind underneath her brain she will write poetry or think deeply or make a splash as a rock musician but not today she complains I am taking pictures with my mind as she peels the wet swimsuit away from her stomach and watches as I camera one camera two snap her and mike in my memory forever dickinson loves me daily and the whiff of a lonely book I read on this planet on this beach at santa claus lane in santa barbara I am there now looking through a single lens camera at all the sights in my eyes