Yesterday, taking a picture of the sky, I heard people whispering. Saying, "He's not doing that, is he?" "He's not taking a picture of the sky?!" And I turned around and there was no one sitting at the table where I'd heard it come from This happens sometimes (that I'm
I love them <3
(From a discussion with my GF) A terrorist, a murder, a writer, a lover—all communicate in their various ways The terrorist by shooting up a school The murderer by sneaking around raping and torturing his neighbors A writer by distilling words into six—into five—into two A lover
M. Scott Peck writes about neuroses versus character disorders—taking too much responsibility versus taking too little. A person with neurosis tries to fix other people's problems. A person with a character disorder doesn't even try to fix their own! What if this relates to whether a person experiences their
Thinking of faces, wondering whether an eye is a surface or a hole. Everything else on a face is either a surface or a hole—cheek or nostril, chin or ear. But an eye is a hole! It's a light hole—letting light in or out of the face So
In an intellectual relationship you're attracted to someone who's bigger and smarter than you—a subject matter or a person that's interesting to you is a subject or a person that's more complex than you Maybe sexually this is the case, too—you're always attracted to someone who is more
That's part of the deal! Since I was in the psych hospital for my suicide attempt 11 years ago, I haven't worked a job. Any job. Haven't earned any money. Live on disability now. Will keep living on disability That is part of the deal, I am coming to understand.
It's is my belief in (and my feeling of) your emotion that makes it real to me. That's what makes you real to me—that when you cry, I feel it Otherwise I'm having a psychopathic experience with respect to you. If I don't believe your emotions (if you're not
Someone texted this to me once. It impressed me so much I used it in a story. When I asked her about it later, she didn't remember texting it to me. Anyway, it means a lot to me Tell yourself a new story about life— Means that you as the
Everyone is growing, everyone is moving, everyone is incomplete Everyone deserves to be treated gently, as a conscious adult treats a child Everyone is learning—and the best way to be a teacher is to not be one at all (your example is all the teaching anyone can stand) Everyone
When was the last time you smoked weed? If it's been a while, stay calm. Smoke weed or vape delta-10 soon. You are not your best self right now. It's ok—your current self is the same, just more susceptible to mental and physical anguish (disease, malfunctioning)—This green is
I mean you could rail against it. You could fight your way out. But all you ever have to do is wait until it's over Waiting is a most powerful sort of fight. When I wait until it's over, then at the end, it is gone and I am still
The Buddhists say this. It used to baffle me completely. But over time it has become a common thought within my head. Follow me here— Waves coming in and waves going out—you need them both to make the sea My GF sometimes keeps an empty pantry—sometimes a full
When focusing on news, sensation, gossip, and everything else— What I'm avoiding is almost always that I'm sitting here, nothing's going on, that the moment is plain and boring and simple and uninflected When I get out of all the drama, this is what I find— Nothingness No urgency. No
Jesus (in the Sermon on the Mount) updates the ancient idea of Do not break your vows—instead fulfill them. He adds Do not swear..at all, [not] by heaven..or by the earth.. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or
This saying Battle not with monsters lest you become a monster—Nietzschemight as well not be about monsters but instead be about mice. In one sense, the essence of the statement isn't about avoiding becoming a monster, but is about the fact that in conversing—in dealing with, in battling
When petting our cat, sometimes I think—Am I petting this cat too hard? I don't want to pet my cat too hard (or too soft)—And then it strikes me I am petting her with the right stiffness. Why? Because a cat lets you know how hard to pet
In trying to figure out life, it strikes me that the part doesn't need to know the whole in order to be the part David Mamet states this idea well in his book On Directing Film. He says a scene doesn't need to do the job of the play—it
These four words—as what we do in life We have great moments but we also have great moments And there's a lot of empty spaces where there could've been moments—but actually there's only a few moments here and there. And maybe that's what's being explored in this whole
Like a movie is a dream within this dream—or a philosophy might be a dream containing this dream Then being in the present moment is paying attention to this dream While being outside the present moment is paying attention to the super- or sub-dreams There's no value judgment to
This re-occurred to me today as I decided to live through shoulder pain. That this pain isn't mine—I'm just borrowing it. That this idea is not mine, I'm just borrowing it. This ego is not mine, it's just mine for a while I don't have to take it seriously
Remember this always—to actively not function as the humiliator (as I was taught) But even (or especially) in my hardest relationships, to act as the cheerleader, the encourager, the hoper, the one who brings light and joy and cheer! When I fantasize, do not fantasize humiliation—fantasize cheer! When
This struck me last night as I was sitting in the living room with my GF and her friend That in addition to meditating on physical things (like my breath, or a wall, or a rock, or my heartbeat) I could meditate on a thought—an angle of emotion on
Because I was bored Because my work, and the whole concept of having a job, was so bone-cold empty and below easy that I comforted myself by taking a break to type a sentence about how bored I was, erase it, and type it out exactly the same way again
Boo and I got Chinese last night We got three great fortunes One for each of us—and one to share This was mine
Be without response. Break the rules. Yes—even that one. Make yourself a cauldron of love. Love everyone. Love the checker at the grocery store. Love the birds. Love your landlord. Love the cat around the corner. Have no memory. Have no limit to your depths. Allow yourself to choose
Whatever it is, breathe it out Let it fucking go Let it truly go
picture by my GF <3
Of late, this is my motto It is my thing I say instead of arguing It's my bottom line— I am happy to be here In every situation, pleasant or un-, this is what I conclude, this is the point I come to. When someone pleases me, I am happy
When spoken— You can freely take what you need of mine as long as I can freely take what I need of yours So if you need to read my writing, you can do that as long as (in the same breath) you agree to allow me to take/use/
On one of the true crime shows we watch, a schizophrenic killer was asked how he knew that a certain young girl was going to be his next victim and he said I got a tingling in the back of my neck and I knew she was the devil who
I heard this summer the idea that— A student learns not to blame others while a master learns not to blame himself Some truth in this strikes me. That I might start out learning not to attribute consequences to other people as a way to be fair to them. But
Self-consciousness is a universal trait. It has nothing to do with how good you are at something When you're not good at something, you might think, If I was better at this, I would be less self-conscious—or—Someone who is better at this than me must have also mastered
Let it go is a phrase and a lesson suggested to me by an early teacher and those words echo in my head to this day "Let it fucking go!" is actually what this teacher shouted at me It means all sorts of things to me But one of the
This is another idea I associate with AA, where the model is—everyone who wants to, talks, but there is no discussion (no commenting on what anyone else says) and all you can talk about is your own journey, your own experience and your own truth All I can say
We try to understand the world (which is very complex) with models like psychology, political science, and and mathematics (which are relatively simple)—and what happens? Some understanding—lots of confusion Some of us try to force the world into even simpler models than the ones above, with this effect—
In The War Room, James Carville says There's a simple doctrine—outside of a person's love, the most sacred thing that they can give is their labor. And somehow or another along the way, we tend to forget that. Labor is a very precious thing that you have. Anytime that
I remembered something yesterday, that I learned in NA/AA (years ago) that has helped me since It's something I do intrinsically now Which is to live one day at a time One moment at a time It's the only thing I can do—it's the only way life works
There are places in my life that are uncomfortable (that nag at me)—I can choose to ignore them and I can choose to follow them down each of their particular rabbit holes Sometimes they're physical—a stomach ache. Sometimes they're mental—I'm listening to someone speak and something they
On crime shows, in the media, there is always this phrase, "innocent victim"—which is thrown around, used almost every time a victim of a crime is first referred to. There is a need (for some reason) to make sure we know that the victim of a crime was also
This is the view outside our window. I love the colors of the houses/barns and today there is a red truck to complete the palette Fifteen minutes after I took that picture, it snowed. This is what it looks like now An hour later, the sky is blue! Here's
This is our percolator—we used a French press for a long time, then switched to this Each morning I make the coffee—clean the parts of the percolator one by one, reassemble, pour in coffee grinds, and set it on fire! I have read the news by this point,
Word. magazine was an online literary magazine created by me and my friend in high school. It never really got off the ground <xhi> was a graphic design company I started in high school. I did one job and the company ended This is the one job I
Psych Lithium 300mg 4xday (bipolar disorder)Escitalopram 5mg 1xday (depression)Tardive dystonia Austedo 9mg 2xday (specifically for TD)Baclofen 10mg 3xday (muscle relaxer)Aleve 2pills 1xday (pain)General Multivitamin 1pill 1xday (generally advised)Loratadine 10mg 1xday (allergies)I also take cannabis in some form every other day. I currently don't
Having communicated with the manufacturer, I obtained a grant that will pay for the exorbitant cost of my alternate tardive dystonia medicine (Austedo) I'm excited but nervous to try the new medicine, as I've been taking the old one while I worked out payment for the new one (and I've
My desktop widget informs me thus I keep an eye on the moon Because my life follows a lunar cycle For sure On full moons I experience catharsis, cleanliness, evenness—problems resolve, always, on the full moon Today is no exception My desktops are clean—folders organized—subscriptions streamlined— Relationship
It lasted about a year It ended intuitively, with my wanting to re-install writing software I'm not sure what if anything I'm writing, but for now I started with a clean slate and I'm writing down ideas. Leaving all old ideas documents and documents themselves—alone So this is me
This is a fortune I got last week I was the first to pick of the fortunes. I ate my entire cookie before reading the fortune (a sign of commitment to the fortune regardless of what it says) This is the perfect fortune for me. I am driven by dreams,
I would think this would be the most obvious lesson on planet Earth, but—according to the number of people acting to the contrary—it is apparently not that obvious There is no other—there is no other country, no other person, no other side. There is only an increasingly
From the little I remember of the art of palm reading, there is an indicator—the mark of the prince—which indicates that its bearer behaves nobly around nobility but in the presence of more basic folk reverts to his most basic behavior—someone who behaves well when he is
Transactional analysis is a theory by Eric Berne from the 1950s that introduces a model Parent, Adult, and Child. It says the Parent mimics how their parents acted, the Adult objectively relates to the world, and the Child acts how it acted in childhood. It says people switch between these
I was going to say "I don't wish suffering on anyone" but I felt that wasn't exactly what I wanted to say Because if someone said that of me, I would disagree. Because the only way I've ever learned was through suffering. And I would want to have learned, but
Uppercase Announces—lowercase understates Uppercase Noisily Starts—lowercase quietly finishes Uppercase Pretends—lowercase is Uppercase Shouts—lowercase barely whispers Uppercase is the Day Shift—lowercase is the night
The Jiu-Jitsu master in David Mamet's Redbelt says this to his student on her first lesson. I don't know what he means to say to her, but I know what this phrase means to me—and it has become increasingly relevant to me in recent days I don't know if
In my 20s, when I drove, I wasn't always on my trip. I left the house to get groceries, someone did something to anger me, and at that point my steering wheel did something I hadn't originally told it to do—it turned to follow the person, through traffic, sometimes
This is the first time I've driven such a cart. I drove it due to my tardive dystonia and it helped me not move around a whole bunch during our shopping trip—which was easier on my body My arms remained stretched out (hyperextended at the elbows)—that is their
I saw in the news yesterday that the US took out a terrorist leader. He's dead—gone! Waiting for the next to replace him. And one will. One did before. We took him out. Now we will take out the next. Will fear of death stop these guys? Hardly. They
Riding in the car today with my baby, to Montrose to get her license, I am free Of my extended family, who with the exception of my cousin, are political and familial morons, wrapped in the clothes of patterns created before I was ever born—I am free of those
un-awkward hellos and goodbyes. Elegance is being able to greet someone completely new and welcome them into life with no reservations or hiccups. It is being able to say goodbye to someone (forever) with the same decisiveness and ease Elegance is moving from one position to another (without making mistakes)
I wrote before that I had ended the war—I had declared it over It occurs to me that, of two parties one of whom is armed and the other is not, that only one can declare the war is over! Only the unarmed party can declare this An armed
This is one of the most fundamental beliefs—whether you think there is one truth or many. Do you think there is one god or many? Is my truth valid even though it differs from yours? How you answer this question has huge downstream effects on the rest of your
Yesterday my GF and I drove to Salt Springs, a local park we've been to before We drove in our new car—it was fantabulous. Driving through the snowy back roads, swishing this way, swizzing that—and finally walking in the snow at the entrance to the park We were
The war is over with anyone I know or will ever meet I used to associate this phrase the war is over with my drinking—my war with drinking is over But as I move away from drinking alcoholically, the war takes on different meaning. It is the war of
Like, in the case that your belief is everyone's experience is like mine and then someone commits suicide, you have to change reality by saying their experience was just like mine and they still killed themself [for some reason I understand] or you can change your philosophy to be everyone's
I said earlier that experience leads to philosophy, not the other way around This is not an original idea (it comes from Nietzsche)—I'm adding to it the concept that the reason why this is the case is that it's easier to change your philosophy using reality than to change
Once, there was a headline that suggested in cases of schoolyard bullying, that it was really important we get counseling for the kids who got bullied A good idea—counsel the victims of violence—but what about (I suggested at the time) we get counseling for the bullies! Counseling for
Sometimes there comes a division in the path where I can go ahead further or be scared! This can occur in the line of a roller coaster It can occur at the precipice of political paths It can occur when about to make love with someone The decision to go
Some people think their philosophy leads to their experience in life. That because they're republican or a non-drinker they have become rich in life—that the philosophy of being republican or capitalist or reading Atlas Shrugged has lead to their experience in life (of being rich or well connected)—Or
because the fabulist writes the stories that are read into the ears of little kids who grow up to be bigger kids who grow up to be the monsters and the angels of our world!!
When I'm in ego, I want to be taken seriously—as a writer, as a patriot, as myself When I'm silly, I eschew seriousness and my ego. Wearing a silly hat does this. It says, I'm not interested in being taken seriously—There is something more important than my ego
A book about the male and the female (in a way) being perfect balance but more like the light in the dark—like the light brother and the dark brother. Not racially, but morally and racially. You know how there's the dark and the light and they can live perfectly
I was in a classroom. We were planning a trip The trip was a surprise to me—but I decided to go anyway because I'm adventurous I didn't have enough money to go—but I was going to go anyway because I'm thrifty But a kid two seats in front
I like when she sits on my back when I'm lying down I like when she purrs I want her to have a warm place to sit My aspiration in life is to be a good place for the cat to sit
Most of us have some anxiety about dying That makes sense since it is mostly unknown to us—what happens, where if anywhere we go, whether some aspect of ourselves will remain But it occurs to me that none of this anxiety is necessary We do everything else well (even
My sister once told me of her struggles with ballet instructors over the years. She was a good dancer but she struggled still—she struggled because ballet dance instructors tend to be middle-aged Russian women who are strict as hell and they're always poking you, moving your body to their
But when it's done I don't feel that way because it's not important for me to feel that way anymore I have to feel, when I'm writing a book, that it's the most important thing in the world—otherwise I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able
Today I have revolved around the sun 44 times. It has seemed slow at times—fast at times—but in our universe I would say 44 revolutions around our sun is a very short time! Today I thought about my birth family—just a little bit. I feel excellent about
I read the news this morning. It wanted me to worry. It told me that So and so is threatening to remove democrats from committees next year—I clicked on the article and the threat was to remove three democrats from committees. The threat is real but the title wants
Truly our cat—she licks beer from the tip of the bottle and then takes a nap picture by my GF
Some days, I find myself right when I wake up Some days, I get derailed right away (with thinking) and I'm lost the whole day Today, I had to come to the sink excited to wash dishes—and I found the sink was clogged! And I had to find myself
Does your political self (religious self, educated self, inherited self) cause you to love (people)—or to hate them? That is all I need to know about your politics. Do they bring us together or pull us apart? That is the whole thing Which do your political ideas do? Cause
Bottomless capitalism is capitalism where you can lose everything—your house, your car, every dollar from your hot little hands—and there is no net to save you, to return you to the system Bottomless capitalism is the kind we, the US, have We have some social safety nets, but
In a society so obsessed with productivity and work, why do we so often hamper ourselves by scaring ourselves out of the proper state to do work? Sure, some work is cushioned away inside comfortable cubicles, with lifetime workers tapping away at business programs—their lives are paid for, their
After "Promise not to stop," this whiteboard drawing says, "That's what I need. Not the good choice. The brilliant choice" That's what I needed at the time. For my writing. I decided not to make any more good choices—if I eliminated them maybe I would be left with fewer,
This is my daily amp-up song. As much as we all change, this song helps me remember what's the same about me, from a kid to now I still ask the hard questions. From youth until now, I peer deep and I peer hard and I am not afraid to
Sometimes I see myself as a character in an RPG. My view is from above and to the back, as in an RPG. My character is small compared to the screen This is a tool for getting a different perspective on myself Usually I see myself from within first-person POV—
It's that time of day again—I turn up House of Pain and me and Corky (our cockatiel) dance to the beat Corky loves the song I play—Same As It Ever Was—I imagine him a hardcore gangster rolling out his last moves until he dies The bird swings
We all do. What do I have? The ability to write. To post. To talk. To call. To share. To listen That is enough What do I have? A body (partially functional—same as everyone). A brain. A heart. An income. Friends. A GF Music—to breathe and to inspire
Last week, my pharmacy sent me an email telling me a month's supply of my TD medicine would cost $2,373.06—more than my monthly income This week, my insurance company mailed me a letter It gives a whole bunch of reasons why they've decided not to cover the
The happy phantom has no right to bitch These are lyrics from a Tori Amos song I used to listen to on repeat, in high school And this one line stuck out to me The happy phantom—has no right to bitch This super-positive song about having become a ghost,
For the last 10 years, I've been treated to this realization that everything waves—this idea comes from meditation. Thoughts wave, the mind waves. Everything that's here will eventually go away—it might even come back! Then there's this thought from when I was a kid—I had become aware
And there's no better time for a reminder— It's time to give yourself a break—even relax the rules a little bit. I'm not talking about going skydiving without a parachute, but this is a good time to have a little extra fun, go a little easy on the rules,
This is from a note from my pharmacy, informing me that 9mg Austedo would cost me $2,373 per month—more than I make in a month I need Austedo for my tardive dyskinesia. The previous medicine, Ingrezza, was priced similarly. Austedo works better. I want to switch. I was
You know earlier this year when wet wipes were unavailable at the store? That's the kind of hoarding I'm talking about here—not necessarily the kind of hoarding that leads you to end up on a TV show with 12 cats and a house full of garbage No—here I'm
When tweeting or posting or talking or whatever you're doing, sometimes you know what to say and sometimes you don't All the time (but especially when you don't know what to say) a guideline I follow is: Be sincere It's ok, when you don't have the right words, to say
because of the uncontrollable movements You might find yourself relaxing for a moment And normally you would relax for another moment— —but TD kicks in and the movement snaps you awake! So you're present in this moment (uncomfortable, but present) Who said anything about being comfortable? Is the goal to
You don't show people how uncomfortable you are—you don't have to. You can keep your emotions under wraps, and present to the world the face you want I cannot—in this way—my tardive dyskinesia causes me to shake, and shake more when I'm uncomfortable. So when more people
My GF and I watch Wife Swap—about one episode a day During the show two women switch places and the families run with a different wife/mother for a couple weeks There are always lots of conflicts and also wins (where one family learns something from the other) And
I got an Apple watch recently, and one of the things it does is measure your heart rate. I often think about my heart (is it going too hard or too fast?) and I figured this watch could help me take a look at it The first day I created
I said a while back that this would be "the age of books." I said this at the end of the age of blogging—when I wrote my ideas daily on clownfysh.com. That followed the age of notebooks which followed the age of journaling which started in the fourth
I've been programming again in NetBSD, a kind of UNIX—an operating system. And as I work, I feel something creeping from the edges: the idea that UNIX is small UNIX always seemed big to me in the past. It was the operating system used by big companies I worked
Like thinking I'm going to lose my disability or that I'll be homeless again. That I'll fail horribly—why do I think that? Part of me worries about whatever the most reasonable (even if unreasonable) thing is to worry about—because my mind wants to feel important But why do
For the longest time I was looking for someone to expand with me. Someone who was willing to grow with me, like my GF or my cousin do now For the longest time, at work and elsewhere, I was at a loss for people who wanted to grow at the
This is me on the couch using my iOS/NetBSD workstation Note the santa cap And artwork Also note how far my face is from the screen. This seems like a benefit to me And what a nice expression!
Last April, I announced that I was going on hiatus, taking a break from my novel work Eight months later, I'm still on hiatus I have resumed writing blog posts—this is something I do for about an hour a day and also throughout the day (coming up with ideas)
Or maybe bath water, or water from an amusement park The feeling of water around my ears, wet short hairs Of the miracle of a kid who learns how to do something—programming/writing—anything in this world The look of myself in the mirror this morning—contorted body, gray
We think there's some value in staying committed to our ideas of the future—and that is true when staying in relationships or building a cathedral. These things would never happen if we changed our minds all the time But for many items in my daily life, I find that
I've had many workstations in the past—none like this. I recently upgraded my iPad keyboard from the Apple pad-oriented keyboard to this real-size, extra-colorful one. The table-mounted arm-style tablet holder holds my screen just where I want it, due to where I lie on the couch. Vertical orientation lets
Confirmed by the outgoing building manager, my landlord smokes crystal meth along with his aging friends. I see them sitting outside across the street—a bunch of dudes, older than my parents, high on crystal. You work your whole life to get off drugs and then find out your landlord
Yesterday was hard for me I woke on the third day of my old TD medicine, having run out of the samples of the new one, which worked better. (My notes for my first day back on Ingrezza say: "aggravating") Then was startled by our transportation car arriving—I forgot
In meditation, you continually bring your focus back to one thing—usually your breath. You plan to bring your focus back to that one thing because you know your mind will wander away from it. You focus on it, the mind waves like the ocean, and in a moment you
The last two weeks I've been trying Austedo for tardive dyskinesia. I've taken Ingrezza for about three years now and I decided to accept my doctor's offer to try Austedo. It's the same basic ingredient, just chemically packaged different. These are my notes Day one didn't notice any changes from
When I was drinking crazily, whenever I used drugs, I did it secretly. A sister and an ex-girlfriend and I ate mushrooms 20 years ago—in secret—in a hotel room. Trips to my drug dealer's house were hidden. I did not make it a point to tell my family
As if it was the only thing to do, to respond to my body As a thing that changes my life Taking off my socks when I'm hot, moving toward my baby when I'm horny, eating food when I'm hungry and doing whatever I need to do to get food
Hilars is a dialect I use to describe people, things, TV shows. This is how the words go: hilars = hilarious obvs = obvious ridic, ridiculi = ridiculous excitemont = excitement gorge = gorgeous fantastico = fantastic disgusto = disgusted retardo = retarded brillz = brilliant So I might say: "This episode was hilars. The excitemont was ridiculi. Hairstyles
Once I was the slowest eater in the room. With my family, out to eat with friends, I chewed the most times and took the longest time to finish my meal. This wasn't due to any good health practices or positive intentions—I just like the taste of food and
Thank everyone who fucked you. Thank everything that confounded you. Thank every situation that was hard. Thank you to the people who loved you and hated you, alike There is no reason to regret these items from the past. No reason to squall with them unreasonably long. When the lesson
When I was young, at the end of a productive day, I got in bed and went to sleep. On a non-productive day, I stayed awake for hours, lamenting the day and having trouble allowing sleep to come at all I felt good at having done something productive. I viewed
Tell yourself that and you'll never have to worry Because when you start to worry, later, you'll tell yourself that again You'll say, Worry about it later And thus you will never worry, due to infinite procrastination (This is better than saying, Don’t ever worry, since planning to worry
I worked with a programmer once. I was looking over his shoulder and he showed me some code of his. He typed it out. It was quick. It took me a second to read and understand. He was explaining. He said: "You see, I don't think about things visually. That
I've done this before—sort of. Went to a software interview where I was asked about poetry I'd published. Mentioned writing to coworkers. Revealed my mental health status at work Then I got diagnosed with bipolar. Then covid happened. Attitudes changed. Now, 25 years into my work life, will companies
This is my fully integrated résumé for software work It is fully integrated in that it represents integrated parts of me My illnesses are listed at the top of the document—bipolar, etc The résumé exists on my server with my books Also on this server is information about my
Made the coffee, being careful not to spill Went with my GF to the doctor. Got my blood pressure taken, lying back on the window sill so as not to shake and mess up the measurement Spoke with my psychiatrist, ensuring that I told the truth even about cannabis use
Keep triangledirt.com online. Don’t promote. Just do my normal thing. If people find it, so be it. If not, don’t worry. Just let it go away when I die. Let go. Be empty. Don’t pretend to control. Consider my writing plainly as the artifact of a
Lisa: Monday 15 November 2pm Carla: Walker The Lilliputian Doll—title Another Kind of Unbearable—title Make my goal for every day to be as kind as possible to everyone I meet Not the same as, not the opposite of (oblivion)—but just in between! “I could, even in this
Sing the eyes in their socks a sherpa blend neshaminy creek hops in the seminal feature of our musical misgivings a cordially buttlick'd hymnal bound in gold red the colors of our devil mapbook thousands cars in backseats folding flying this is the color guard of the pillow ceo (flash'd
If your thing is worrying, and you want to worry less, some people can learn to get around their problem by somehow not worrying This works well unless you're one of the people who it doesn't work for If this doesn't work for you, you might have to worry more.
Battle not with monsters lest you become a monster. And if you gaze for long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you—NietzscheToday, this phrase strikes me like: You have to learn to speak monster if you want to talk to monsters. Like: monsters speak a certain language
There is a law. It says that the chance of there being a tomorrow is less than the chance of there being a today. That the chances of there being a day after tomorrow, after tomorrow, after tomorrow are less, less, less than the chances of today Tomorrow the world
When, "Which candidate?" say, "The usual one." There is no reason for you to derail a perfectly happy speaker when they are going happily on their way! I mean literally say the usual one, the usual way when asked these questions. Keep them going on their way and you keep
I learn something about the song—the original song—when I listen to a cover Why do I like covers so much? I think it's because when I do the same thing in multiple dimensions/imaginations, I learn, differentially, about what is. To listen to the same song reimagined, teaches
Flow from state to state easily. Make elegant goodbyes. Go from sober to high to sober again. Live elegantly with ease! Is it not saddened at the flower wilting—no, it's not! Is it not felled by the death of a love—no, it's not! That we can lead independent
I have tardive dystonia, the worse form of tardive dyskinesia TD is a permanent disorder featuring uncontrollable muscle movements. These movements can be slight or significant, making it hard to live through your day, to sleep, to move normally. Movement takes more energy than usual, causing fatigue when doing easy
I received this message while tripping on mushrooms, connected to a consciousness that overwhelmed me with laughter It suggested that silence is the best statement, and as a writer and a thinker and a talker, this surprised me At first I interpreted it as meaning that I might replace statements
They say When the student is ready, the teacher appears Slightly more broadly, I say: If I'm trying to learn, then it's trying to teach Similarly, If I'm trying to solve, then it's constructing a problem If I'm trying to swim, then it becomes the ocean They say: If you're
The fear some feel for homosexuality, for transness, for blackness, for poorness. The fear of freedom for one who is a slave. The fear of going into space All of these are fears of the unknown. They're all a fear of what I might become. If I'm straight I might
If people are capable of being evil, then they tend to be a little evil. If we're capable of greatness, then each of us tends to be a little great If something is capable of full greatness, then (in general) it tends to be great just a little. A few
Many of us have place we go, in our minds, to seek refuge. They're not always full-fledged dissociations, but we have safe and calm places in our minds and lives where we go Some of us go to bars. Others to church. Others to imginary places in the mind Our
Worry is a measure of how unready I am to feel (ecstasy). And—not just worry but doing everything but ecstasy Meaning: worry is something I do to avoid feeling ecstasy Ecstasy is the natural state—the default. We are keeping ourselves from ecstasy by worrying, by doing everything but
When I was young (in the second or third grade) I was in church and I asked one of those too-scary off-limits questions that get you kicked out of Sunday school. This was in the sanctuary, with a church full of people. Our pastor asked us for questions. This was
I've had tardive dystonia for seven years now. It hasn't gotten worse. It hasn't gotten better. It's a permanent condition, according to modern medicine. The neurologist I spoke to seven years ago said (as this isn't going away) my job was now to make living my life as comfortable as
Or so I used to think I did some drugs in my 20s and my family found out about it and everyone labeled me a "drug person" and I labeled myself thus and I was pretty much convinced this was the case as I struggled with alcohol into my 30s
You said my writing was experimental. That was my first book. You wouldn't (laugh!) possibly be able to publish it! To me, if that book hadn't been experimental, it would be worth nothing You stopped talking with me when I explained why I was using multiple tenses. We had been
We say we're intuitive but what does it mean, mechanically? I always say intuition is a different kind of intelligence. Intelligence can be measured but intuition exists on a different scale, which is higher than the intelligence scale, but not connected Intuition seems to me to be knowing first what
It's part of my larger effort to take things literally
It is a measure of how unready I am to feel (ecstasy) And—not just worry but do everything but ecstasy
I'm programming case—a library of C functions used to classify objects in real time
I love this thing
Which I sipped.
Yes, we keep a bird in a cage.
That's why it is unknown to you.
I needed to hear this today. (And if they're not your people, it doesn't matter if you're related to them—not your people means not your people.)
My GF reminds me of this. Almost all of the world is not my circus, not my monkeys. My birth family is no longer my circus, no longer my monkeys. My GF's friends and family are not my circus, not my monkeys. My neighbors are not my circus, not my
I was born Matthew Van Temple but changed my name to Inhaesio Zha when I was 23 (Inhaesio Zha means the ancient child) Inhaesio Zha remains my legal name and for a while I used Matthew Temple as my writing name But now my name is effectively triangledirt, △dirt dirt
I recommend reading Clarity;) first—it's short (a novella) and it's the best/shortest thing I've written
Consider this— I put the lightbulb in my biohazard trash and the tongs in the dishwasherNow replace my's and the's with different combinations of my's and the's (or your's and her's) I put my lightbulb in the biohazard trash and the tongs in the dishwasherI put the lightbulb in the
from level to another level. It's all here, in this time and place. No amount of learning will transform you into a totally different being.
And doing some crying today.
from this board—it was one of the most delicious things I've ever tasted!
The six-letter words are all hers
In December I wrote this message to my family— I am trying to integrate what I’ve learned, to treat you as parts of myself. But I’m lost. Not in a bad way. I just find that we have gone our separate ways, or most probably that we have
from writing. Hiatus means a "break or opening" in something physical, especially a body part. To me, it means I'm away from writing for either now or ever. Taking a break of unknown length. As part of my hiatus, I'm committing not to talk about my writing. One thing I
What if I ask that constantly: what is beautiful? what is powerful? what is wise about this moment? About you? About me?
my step-grandson chooses a perfectly themed gangsta-swerve-core track. He is 9 years old.
in order to understand something.
In addtion to personal messages, I wrote these down— It's ok It's perfect I don't know It's endless Be humble Respect Silence is the best statement Unlimited Fractal Humility Laugh
Hi! I'm Matthew Temple, writer and student of the world I wrote 42 books between 2002 and 2021. These are novels, plays, screenplays, and poetry They're published here on the web so you can read them freely I hope you enjoy!